Two snarky TV Bloggers chat the Oscars

Lorenzo and I survived our 4-hour TV endurance test, more commonly known as the Academy Awards Show. Thanks to the wonders of technology, and the fact that we could make our sarcastic cracks (about the show, the actors, and each other) from different cities, we didn't come to actual blows, so we're calling it a success.

Click below to read our random thoughts on this ultimate television spectacle. We discuss cleavage, the merits of musical numbers, new haircut ideas for Lorenzo, and why Jerry's Kids are heading to my front door right this minute with pitchforks and torches.

Lorenzo: Let's start up at 8:30, because I'll be watching Wake-Duke until then. No way am I getting sucked into a chat about the red carpet intro.

Brooke: I agree. 8:30 it is.

Lorenzo (getting sucked into chat about red carpet intro): The wife has already hollered from downstairs that Kate Winslet looks fabulous. Wake, not so much when it comes to breaking Duke's press.

Brooke: The woman from Slumdog (Frieda Pinto) also looked pretty. Miley Cyrus was a sight, but all the TV Fashion people thought her dress was great, so I'm obviously no fashionista.

Lorenzo: What is she doing anywhere near the red carpet? Miley is a year away from rehab. She's Lindsay Lohan 2.0.

Brooke: I heard she's presenting too!! I'm outraged by that.

Lorenzo: "I'm an Australian playing an Australian in a movie called "Australia" ... hosting." Nice self-deprecating line by Hugh Jackman about his acting range, compared to those of Kate Winslet and Robert Downey Jr. But I already miss Steve Martin and those Billy Crystal openings.

Brooke: I don't know. I was skeptical, but so far I'm loving this. Anne Hathway is great, and the "Craigslist Dancers" just made me laugh out loud. And the "I need to see the Reader..." number -- excellent!

Lorenzo: Nothing wrong with extended shots of Anne Hathaway. But again, I miss Billy Crystal and Steve Martin.

Although I suspect Hugh Jackman isn't the only one who hasn't seen The Reader. Mickey Rourke is looking suave. God help me if my daughter ever comes home with a guy who looks like him.

Apparently Tilda Swinton has chosen to wear the beige Snugli on stage to help present the Supporting Actress award. What are your thoughts on Penelope Cruz?

Brooke: I didn't see the Vicky Cristina movie, but I'm fine with Penelope winning. Nice speech and she looks great. Steve Martin and Tina Fey are very funny. Perfect together.

Lorenzo: Just saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona this weekend. Cruz was great. My disapproving wife just said that Cruz only won because she made out with Scarlett Johansson in the movie. I would hardly count that as a negative.

You're right, Fey and Martin were made for each other humorwise. Can someone club Jackman and toss him out back so that Fey and Martin can take over?

Brooke: Right now I have to defend Jackman. His intro was weak, but the opening musical number was very funny and entertaining to watch. How he handles the rest of the show, we'll see. Give Wolverine a chance!

Lorenzo: Not an X-Men fan, but we'll give him a little more time. What a speech by Milk's screenwriter. Somewhere, the ghost head of Jerry Falwell just exploded.

Brooke: You're right about Falwell! Oh - Slumdog's first win. How shocking. Jack Black and Jennifer Aniston are cracking me up. Jen is only about ten feet away from Angelina. MEOW! Obligatory shot of Angelina laughing. Oh, I'm sure...

Lorenzo: Someone should have fed Aniston a joke about adopting developing world babies. That would have been the mother of reaction shots.

Nice crack by Black on how he takes all the money he earns from voice work on Kung Fu Panda and other Dreamworks and bets it on Pixar to win come Oscar time. Good call, Jack.

Kung Fu Panda was pretty darn funny though. It's fair to say, though, that Wall*E should have been a best picture nominee (ALONG WITH 'DARK KNIGHT').

Brooke: I haven't seen ANY of those animated movies. That's my knowledge gap, I guess. Hey - didn't I just read that Steven Speilberg/Dreamworks basically just had to merge with Pixar? Ouch.

We won't even start talking about Oscar snubs because I will start my Springsteen/"The Wrestler" rant.

Lorenzo: So the Asian director of the Oscar-winning animated short ("La Maison en Petiti Cubes") doesn't know much English, but he slips in a 'domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.' Apparently there are a lot of Styx fans in the audience, because he kills.

I'm with you on Springsteen's snub, but the Boss needs no validation from the Academy.

Just watching that American Express commercial with Gwyneth Paltrow makes me wonder what the heck happened to her film career. I guess that's what happens when you hitch your wagon to Coldplay's front man.

Brooke: "Domo Arigato" is probably all the Japanese any of us know.

Gwyneth is a victim of the Best Actress curse. Or is it the Best Supporting Actress curse? Whatever it was that killed Kim Basinger's career...

Okay, Sarah Jessica Parker leaves nothing to the imagination. Her girls are just OUT THERE.

Lorenzo: I think Goldie Hawn is still leading in the 'best cleavage' category. Looks like we'll need Salma Hayek to settle this. (Fingers crossed ...)

Man, they can't even throw 'The Dark Knight' a Best Art Direction Oscar? Brutal. Not that I know anything about art direction, but throw them a bone.

B. Cain: I feel certain you will see lots of cleavage tonight. For me? Well, I'm not sure the Sexiest Man Alive will remove his shirt, but if he does, my eyes will be glued.

Heath Ledger will vindicate your Dark Knight outrage.

Lorenzo: Sexiest Man Alive? I didn't realize John Goodman was in the house.

Are they just going to throw every award (now it's Best Makeup) at The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? That's not a good trend.

Brooke: John Goodman, huh? How timely of you!

No, they will throw every award to Slumdog if we're just patient. You have to admit there was a lot of makeup action going on in Benjamin Button. Or was that all CGI?

Lorenzo: I was going to go with Neil Patrick Harris or Frank Langella, but I went old school.

Oh man, Ben Stiller is working the Joaquin Phoenix beard and Ray Bans. This could be good.

Brooke: I love it - I think Ben may have just stolen the show.

And I actually do think Langella and NPH are kinda sexy, so that wouldn't have been as much of a joke. Goodman just took me way back. King Ralph.

Lorenzo: Goodman deserved an Oscar for 'The Big Lebowski,' but that's probably just me. Stiller wandering around the stage while Portman tried to read the Cinematography nominations was great.

Of course it could lose its sting two months or a year from now or whenever Phoenix reveals he was just working the ZZ Top stoner shtick as a P.R. goof.

And a Slumdog Millionaire award for cinematography. Give me Slumdog over Benjamin Button any day. Oh wait, time to be quiet, Jessica Beal is on stage ...

Brooke: Is your Beal moment over? I was thinking the same thing about Phoenix, except I was thinking more along the lines of "after he flames out like brother River, maybe we won't think this is so funny." But I'm leaning more toward some kind of Andy Kaufman-type hoax.

The Pineapple Express guys are fantastic. Loved that moment after Milk. Awesome.

Lorenzo: "Pineapple Express" Franco watching "Milk" Franco kiss Sean Penn was funny, as was their goofing on "Love Guru", giggling over scenes of "the Reader" and asking Spielberg's cinematographer if he ever considered converting one of his two Oscars into a pipe.

And, as a bonus, they showed a clip of "Step Brothers," the funniest movie I saw last year. (That or Forgetting Sarah Marshall, haven't decided yet.) I'm a simple man: give me Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly bunking together with Academy Award nominee Richard Jenkins as Reilly's dad, and I'm in. (I guess it almost goes without saying, though, that Jenkins wasn't nominated for "Step Brothers." The Philistines at the Academy simply don't understand the sophisticated humor of Ferrell rubbing his naked giblets on Reilly's drum kit.)

Brooke: Okay, I was on Jackman's side till this current musical number. This is the definition of "unnecessary." Right now I'm swigging Diet Sunkist to keep from yawning and it's not even 10pm. This number's a little disjointed for me too. And another marching band?!? I know you're loving this, right?

Lorenzo: That's what DVRs were made for. My wife missed Stiller's Joaquin Phoenix and Franco and Rogen's bit, so I'm watching them again with her. Guess I'll be powering right through the musical extravaganza.

Why do they insist on staging those craptaculars every year? Why even bother pretending you want to wrap up the show in three hours when you're going to insist on those spectacles?

Brooke: I knew when they named Jackman that the show would be heavy on musical numbers. What do you want to bet this lasts till midnight?

On a positive note, the set decoration tonight has been absolutely gorgeous. Best ever.

Lorenzo: Radiohead rocked the marching band much better at the Grammys.

You forgot to tell me Beyonce was lip-synching along with Hugh. Looks like we have another contender in the 'Best Cleavage' category. Too bad we sent our 10-year-old daughter to bed already, she would have been the only one in our house to get a charge out of seeing Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens sing along in that mess.

Brooke: I think we ALL needed to see Beyonce croon, "At last..." one more time. I think I hurt myself rolling my eyes.

We get our Heath Ledger moment and it's oddly unsatisfying. I was expecting to cry. At least a little.

Lorenzo: You could tell the show's director was frantically scanning the crowd looking for teary reaction shots before he settled on Kate Winslet, Angelina Jolie and Anne Hathaway.

A nice speech by his dad, though, especially the part where he said the award would have validated Heath's "quiet determination to be truly accepted by you all here."

If I can change subjects here to something more trite, what was cooler: nominee Philip Seymour Hoffman's beret, or presenter Christopher Walken's slicked back, shaggy mane? I'm wondering if I could pull it off if I combined the two.

Brooke: That's a tough call, but Walken always wins in a cool-off. I see you in more of a Mickey Rourke "fired my barber and lost my shampoo and will work for food" 'do.

Speaking of cool. How often do you see someone balance Oscar on their face? Never.

That Jimmy Kimmel commercial was very good (with Tom Cruise). Better than all the Super Bowl ads I saw.

Lorenzo: Walken would make a great Oscars host. He might ramble on for six hours, but he wouldn't inflict a song-and-dance medley on us.

Kimmel would make another great host, although I doubt the precious egos of Hollywood could take his jokes. But a sequel to Sarah Silverman's "I'm [boinking] Matt Damon" and Kimmel's "I'm [boinking] Ben Affleck" videos would be most welcome.

Brooke: I agree on Kimmel. But I haven't minded Jackman, I just wish they'd left out that second dance number. And maybe a couple dozen fewer montages. There's waaaay too much explanation about what all these technical people do. I know it's important but I DON'T REALLY CARE RIGHT NOW.

Lorenzo: That flaming pile of dog mess on your doorstep comes courtesy of all the key grips out there who don't share your sentiment. But yeah, I'm not going to make it to the end of the show at this rate, unless they promise to replay that Diet Coke ad with Heidi Klum.

Might be time to switch over to my recording of the Duke-Wake Forest game ...

Brooke: Speaking of burning in hell (were we?), I'll just say it - Jerry Lewis makes me ill. I'm glad he raises money for MD, but he's a tool. He's all sweetness tonight, and mercifully brief, but I recently read an interview where he admitted to being irritated that he wasn't getting the Oscar for his acting (!?!?!?!?!?!). Typical. So after I'm attacked by key grips, bring on the Jerry Lewis lovers.

If you switch over to the game, I'm taking over this post, and I know you don't want that.

Lorenzo: I watched Wake Forest dig themselves a 22-point hole, now I just want to see how close they got in the second half.

"I expect more hate calls on Jerry Lewis getting the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award.

Politically incorrect, dopey, offensive, obnoxious, immodest... But you know what? He deserves it. You HONOR people who take up that much out of each and every year for a charity. "My kids" or not, quibbles with the way the charity is directed or not, he deserves this."

Lorenzo: Couple good jokes by Robert DeNiro while introducing his buddy Sean Penn, including, "How did he do it? How for so many years did Sean Penn get all those jobs playing straight men?"

Although I'm guessing Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh don't agree with DeNiro's description of Lefty Penn as a great human being.

One of these days, I will finally see Richard Jenkins' performance in "The Visitor." Netflix sent me that movie about two months ago, and I'll get to it eventually.

If his work is anything like his maestro work in "Stepbrothers," as John C. Reilly's dad, he can't lose.

Brooke: I have to say I'm a little surprised that Penn beat Mickey, but he was great in that film. And it was a good speech - I liked it when he said he understood that sometimes people found him hard to take, and I liked the pitch for equal rights.

He deserves it, but I wanted to see Mickey Rourke's acceptance speech. I wanted to see some tears as he thanked Loki (he's wearing her picture around his neck, and he had bought her a tuxedo for the show, just fyi).

Lorenzo: Great opening line by Penn in acknowledging the Academy's vote: "You commie, homo-loving, sons-of-guns ..."

And he graciously recognized Mickey -- "Mickey Rourke rises again!" -- while wagging a finger at all the voters in California who banned gay marriage.

But the wife noticed that he didn't make time to thank his wife Princess Buttercup (or Robin Wright Penn, if you prefer) in his rambling acceptance speech. And the wife is not impressed by that.

... and in the least surprising moment in this bloated affair, Slumdog wins Best Picture. Good for Slumdog. I just wonder how this movie holds up ten years from now.

Not that it's another "Shakespeare in Love," because there wasn't a "Saving Private Ryan" out there. (And not that "Saving Private Ryan" was great after the first 15 minutes.)

The only thing that could keep me from going to bed now is guaranteed fly-on-the-wall status for whatever after-party Mickey Rourke and Robert Downey Jr. are hitting.

Brooke: I don't mind saying that I think in ten years Slumdog may definitely be mentioned in the same breath as Shakespeare in Love.

I liked it, but I apparently did not get swept up in the Slumdog Movement like everyone else. Are you looking forward to the inevitable rush of Indian films that will be churning out of Hollywood (not Bollywood) now?

I'd also like to point out that the only movie you have really praised all night has been Step Brothers. You'd get along great with my young nephews.