The Office: Michael catches, releases Pam's mom

Lamest episode of 'The Office' ever? It hasn't been put to a vote before the  Happiness ... blog's high tribunal, but consider yourselves on notice, Office writers.

Your once great show has devolved into the weak link in NBC's Thursday night comedy lineup, fourth behind an inconsistent 'Community' show that would have you believe community colleges have dorms on campus for international students.

But enough of the belly aching.

Thursday night's episode wraps up Michael's ill-fated relationship with Pam's mom with an uncomfortable double-date with Pam and Jim that ends with Michael dumping her on her birthday.

Apparently, it never occurred to Michael before the birthday lunch that he was dating someone old enough to be a grandmother, which Helene will be as soon as Pam delivers. Maybe he thought Helene was a child bride when she had Pam, but Michael turns a sickly shade of green as he attempts to calculate her age when Pam jokes that Helene's celebrating her 49th birthday for the ninth year in a row.

"You're 54?" Michael blurts out. Actually, that's 58, Michael. Another triumph for the American educational system.

In 0.2 seconds, Michael goes from giddy in love to creeped out by the lunchtime debate over whether Helene will go by "Nana" or "Grandma" when Pam and Jim's baby is born. As he points out in the only funny line of the night, the only time you have to be worried about a woman's age is if she's too young for you.

"I'm not robbing the cradle," Michael says. "If anything, I'm robbing the grave."

Cut back to the double-date lunch at the same restaurant that Pam remembers fondly from her childhood trips there with her parents before their recent divorce. Michael squirms uncomfortably in his seat as Helene coos as she unwraps the scrap book that Michael had put together that same morning when he was still in love.

You know it was still love before lunch because Michael plagiarized a Shel Silverstein poem, and it wasn't "The Giving Tree." At this point, though, Michael no longer sees Helene as a sexy, slightly older woman. All he sees in the harsh light of the double-date lunch is a battered old tree stump with no more apples to share, to put it in Shel's terms.

So, just as he was beginning to win Pam over as a suitable, sensitive boyfriend for her mom, Michael kills the mood by declaring that he must break up with Helene, who he now believes is too far along in her dotage to have anything in common with him.

"Who is Kafkaesque? I don't know that person," Michael says, complaining about Helene's dated pop-culture references. (Victory No. 2 this episode for the American educational system.)

Somewhere in the buffoonery is a well-reasoned argument for Michael to call it off with Pam's mom, something about Michael's desire to visit Italy, start a family and do all the things that Helene has already done and has no interest in doing again. But it's all just a set-up for Michael agreeing to allow an angry Pam to punch him after work for dumping her mom on her birthday.

OK, we'll grant The Office one other good scene from Thursday night: Michael staring in horror from his office as sad sack Toby offers Pam some expertise from an H.R. director's perspective on the proper punching technique to inflict maximum pain, albeit off company property.

The whole office gathers in the parking lot to watch Pam punch Michael, who keeps flinching until Pam decides it's not worth it. At least until Michael can't stop  himself from blurting out that it was her mom's fault because she had come on to him at the wedding. Pam whips around and brings the pain, slapping Michael across the face. 

She admits to Jim it didn't make her feel any better, but the slap does send Michael limping off with Dwight, who offers to ease the swelling by pressing some raw chicken on Michael's face.

We won't even get into the tedious subplot that involves Dwight and Andy spending the whole day trying to out-nice each other, something that starts with Dwight bringing bagels to the office with the expectation that everyone will owe him a favor then and will have to back him in his attempt to unseat Jim as co-manager.

So attention, Office writers: as Michael would say, "Conference room, 10 minutes." And don't come out until you can do better than another "Michael's in love" storyline.