The Bachelor: It wasn't your family. Really.

This is the night we meet the kooky, the pushy, the inappropriate. This is the night we meet The Families.

The show starts with Jason rehashing what he likes about each of the remaining girls (Naomi, Jillian, Molly, and Melissa). In fact, he thinks Melissa is so perfect that he really wants to meet her family to see where she came from, because he thinks he'll learn so much more about her by meeting her family.

Well, guess what. Want in one hand and spit in the other, because that's not gonna happen.

But first we backtrack. All the way to Alberta, Canada, to get to know Jillian a little better. They stroll around town and visit a winery, and just when things start getting romantic, Jillian tells Jason that her mom suffers from depression and once tried to take her life. She's better now, but I hope to God she asked her mother before divulging that very sad and personal information to the world. Jason is cool about it and tells her he's had some of that in his family and that he "gets it."

Jason meets the family and they're so happy that they rush him and wrap him in Canadian flags. That's the way they greet you in Canada. At dinner, Jillian's mom toasts her and says she hopes she falls in love and flies like a dove. Hmmm. Jillian's family seems extremely nice -- cool, smart, energetic, gracious, and warm. There's even a feisty granny who brings Jason some Maple Leaf boxers. Perfection.

In Jason's own words, the bar is set pretty high here.

So we're on to Molly in Michigan. Molly will never ever ever ever date another guy that her parents do not love. Period. So, no pressure Jason, but really - if they don't like you immediately, you're toast.

Molly's parents are nice, but I get the feeling they think they are more fun and wacky than they are. After the easy merriment at Jillian's house, Molly's mom's 'funny hat box' seems forced and lame. Then the Mom makes Jason draw a picture of Molly with crayons. But they aren't always "crazy like this," the mom assures us. Molly's dad scores points when he makes her promise that if she doesn't win, she won't get in the limo and cry. Thank you!!!

Molly's family is perfectly nice and Jason likes them. But I want Jillian's family.

On to Naomi's family in California, and more forced wackiness. Instead of a box of funny hats to prove how zany she is, Naomi's mom breaks out hoola hoops and a dead dove in a paper bag. She's been saving the dove, which she claims committed suicide on her car, in the fridge for days because you know in her head she was thinking, "Oh this is going to make me seem like such a character!"

So we have a true Bachelor first -- a dove burial. The dove, Jason notes, is the symbol of peace and freedom (and Jillian in love). So I hope there's no deeper meaning here. Jason is a good sport, and he delivers a funny eulogy. The best part is the little boy at the end who pats the ground and says, "Sorry dead bird." So are we, little man. So are we.

Then the real fun starts: the dad lectures Jason about Jesus. Jason's face goes stone blank and he gets that "Please make this stop" look on his face. Jason summarizes perfectly: "Today I learned that Hector loves Jesus." Right in the middle of the Jesus lecture, Hector's ex-wife interrupts and pulls Jason away. Jason is probably thinking, "Whew, I'm rescued!" but he is so wrong. Naomi's mom wants to talk about "indigos" and "truth seekers" and reincarnation and "being from the future." She tells Jason they are from the same soul family. Ooooooookay.

I'm so sorry, Naomi. I hope you at least had a good time on the show.

Lastly, Jason goes to Dallas to see Melissa. This girl is GOOD because she brings Ty a handmade Tooth Fairy box. But I guess she figures she better butter him up because he's not going to be meeting her family after all. Turns out her family is, how do you say ... "normal?" Because they don't want to play out this whole family drama in front of millions of people on television. Melissa was devastated and Jason is clearly disappointed. He wanted to meet them to see if they like him and if they are from the future or whatever, and now he has to make a decision about marrying Melissa without that information.

Maybe she has really cool friends. Yes! Lucky for Melissa, the friends are nice and come with adorable little girls who adore Melissa, so score!

But here's what we learn about Melissa: she possibly has some self-esteem issues, she has dated lots of jerks who haven't treated her very well, and even her friends don't know her family. This family is verrrry mysterious, and it's killing Jason. He's quizzing everyone about her family. I'm surprised he didn't go walking the streets of Dallas asking if anyone has ever seen them. Why don't her closest friends know her family at all? I have to admit, that's strange. Wait, maybe they are spies!

So here we are, back at the Rose ceremony, and this is "ridiculously hard" for Jason. Molly gets the first rose. No surprise there. Jillian gets the second rose. Called it. Now it's between Melissa with the reclusive, mysterious family, and Naomi with the weird, maybe-should-be-reclusive family.... and the rose goes to Melissa!! I knew it.

Jason assures Naomi it wasn't about her family, but he just thinks in his heart that they are in different places. He gives a good break-up talk. I didn't see Naom's parting words. Did I miss anything good?