The Bachelor: Cue the 'boom-chicka-wah-wah' music

This week, Jason takes his three lovelies on fantasy dates to Queenstown, New Zealand, and he proclaims it the most beautiful place he's ever seen.

He meets up with Jillian first and they take a helicopter ride (ABC must get a bulk discount on those). Honestly, I missed a lot of this date because I was watching in a fairly chaotic place (vacuum cleaners, police scanners -- don't ask), but here's what I got: Jason and Jillian were on a mountain and it was windy, and I think Jillian was talking about her family. And there was something about marrying her best friend. Is she talking about Jason? Nooo! Don't put him in the friend zone!

Then they have a romantic dinner and Jason is sporting a serious 5 o'clock shadow, which looks hot, I must say.

Jillian is borderline weepy, telling Jason how much he means to her. I know it's written into Bachelor Law that Jason can't tip the girls off about what he's going to do, but these moments are always so hard to watch -- one person pouring their guts out and professing all their love, and the other person just sitting there silent and grinning.

Here's a first, though: At the end of the dinner, Jillian actually asks Jason for the overnight invitation before he can offer it to her. She reads it to him and he accepts, of course. But before they retire for the evening, they change into bathing suits and make out in the hot tub.

Let's just say if he doesn't marry Jillian, some other girl is going to be very jealous when she watches this Skinemax encounter later.

Holy cow guys, there IS a camera there, remember!?!? And it's ABC -- before 9pm! And we can see through clear water, eh?

So then America takes a cold shower and tunes back in for Molly's date. They bungee jump off off a cliff and they are both totally chicken about it, which is hilarious. Jason and Molly have lunch and she quizzes him about his favorite things -- favorite place (Greece), favorite ice cream flavor (chocolate), favorite holiday (birthdays), who would he most like to see in concert (Elvis), etc.

Next is the romantic dinner date and Jason is still rockin' the hot beard, but there aren't as many sparks as with Jillian. Or is ABC trying to fool me?

Jason points out that he noticed her parents didn't touch each other and didn't even sit near each other when they were in the same room. Neither did her sister and her husband. And it bothers him that the family isn't affectionate, because he is. Molly tries to convince him that she's not a cold fish, and she puts him on the spot a little, and clearly wants him to promise her that he will pick her. But he can't.

I guess it's Women Take Charge Night because Molly actually asks Jason to spend the night with her instead of waiting for him to ask her. They follow the Bachelor script and get into bathing suits and into ... a bubble bath! It's a little tamer than the episode with Jillian, but as romantic as such a thing can be, surrounded by a camera crew.

So I'm guessing it's literally like the morning after that the meets up with the next girl? The next girl is Melissa. She runs and jumps all over him and he can't keep his hands off her -- touching her face and kissing her over and over. But you know the bad part is coming -- the part where they discuss why her family didn't want to meet him.

It's clearly a sore point for Jason, and Melissa is very worried that not meeting them will ruin her chances with them. But she assures Jason that they are laid back and will be cool with him as long as she's happy (but you know he's mostly wondering if they bury suicidal birds and believe they are from the future).

Jason tells the camera that he thinks he can fall in love with Melissa without meeting her parents, but that "it can only go so far." I think that means he'd have to meet them before he proposed. So should dad pack a suitcase? They could put a black bar over his face.

At dinner, Melissa talks about her brother and family a lot, I think to convince Jason that they do exist and that she talks to them. Jason tries to make her feel better about the family thing by telling her that he met her friends and saw her real life, so there's a balance there. But there's no hiding the fact that he wants to meet them.

Melissa plays it cool (her mystery mom would be proud!) and allows Jason to ask her to spend the night with him. I think that is what passes for "old fashioned" on this show. Instead of going soft core in a hot tub or bubble bath, they sit on the sofa and talk and hold hands and kiss. Jason tells us that he has "totally fallen for her" and that he can't get enough of her.

Is ABC completely screwing with us, or am I right that he's marrying this girl?

The next day, Jason shaves and heads to the Rose Ceremony, which Chris Harrison promises will be the most dramatic of the season. Here's a small twist - each girl has made Jason a private video message. Chris leaves him alone to watch. He's teary-eyed almost the whole time he's watching them, maybe because he's already thinking about who he's sending home. He looks really sad watching Jillian's tape, but there's a small smile at the end. Next is Molly's tape. She says she's madly in love with him and he looks like someone just punched him. Now Melissa. Total poker face. Wow.

Jason meets the girls out on a waterfront lawn. He makes an emotional speech to them about how he's falling for each of them. Then he gives the first rose to Melissa and the final rose goes to Molly. I did not see that coming. I so thought Jillian was getting that rose. Wow. Jillian thought so too.

Jason walks her out and tells her that he had strong feelings for her but that their lives are too different - her life is "amazing" and his life is that of a boring single dad. Jillian argues with him, which is never a good idea when someone is breaking up with you. So he points out that she talked about marrying her best friend and that he felt more of a friend vibe with her (except for that time she was straddling him in the hot tub, of course), and she argues with him some more.

It's over, Jill. He didn't pick you. There's not gonna be a do-over so just let it go. Now she's talking about a dream she had about Ty, in way too much detail. I'm really wishing, for the sake of her remaining dignity, that she'll just stop talking right now.

One last hug at the limo. Jason whispers that he's sorry and she actually sobs. Shoulder-shaking sobs. Now we see her in the limo (which is a very cool Rolls Royce) and she's still crying.

Meanwhile, Jason is sitting on the bench outside the house crying. He tells the camera that he was falling for her but he wasn't in love with her. Whew.

Now the two girls left get to stay another week in New Zealand and meet Jason's family (and Ty!). I'm betting on Melissa, unless ABC has just totally fooled me. Again.

Next week is the not the finale, it's that Bachelorettes Tell All thing, where all the spurned women come back and argue with each other, and cry and ask Jason what went wrong. We don't get to see the big Deanna showdown for two more weeks.