The Bachelor: Classy girls see advantage of a grandma's cancer

I swear I was going to just write something really brief about this show, because they're all pretty much the same, right? But then there was so much horror, I can't decide what to leave out. Plus, I think some of these women are unstable and I can't resist.

Okay, first Jason surprises the girls and goes to hang out at the pool (gasp! some of them didn't even have on makeup!). Many of them seem to have religious experiences when he takes off his shirt. Their mouths fall open and they hear angels singing. But when they find out a rose is up for grabs, anything resembling angelic behavior flies right out da poolhouse.

For instance, Shannon (the stalker dental hygienist) throws ice cubes at Jason when he's spending too much time with another girl. Mature. Later, Ice Cube tells the single dad that she is like SO ready to be a mom. When Jason asks her why, she explains that all her friends have children or are pregnant. Too bad her friends don't just have dogs or something, because she could probably spare us all a lot of grief.

Jillian from Alberta, Canada, gets the first rose and a romantic date ensues, complete with private concert by Robin Thicke and some smooching on the dance floor. But Lauren, the attention-hound former beauty queen, says she is relieved she didn't get the rose because she wouldn't have had enough time to fix her hair before the date. She would have freaked.

Melissa, a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader (not very mommy-like) but who now wants to be a school teacher (very mommy-like), gets the second date with Jason. They have a picnic on a windy mountain overlooking the ocean. Romantic? Yes. Making out? Yes. Then they got to ride on a blimp, which is way cooler than having Robin Thicke screeching in your face. Melissa acts really normal and down-to-earth, joking about how eating the spicy oysters made snot run out of her nose.

The Group Date. Jason takes eight women to a fancy boutique and lets them pick out new outfits. The girls gush about how great he is to treat them to new outfits. HE'S NOT ACTUALLY PAYING FOR ANY OF THIS STUFF!! Geez.

After dinner at a romantic restaurant, they all end up in the pool together. They have a talent show and Jason does some dorky (but endearing) pop and lock style breakdancing. Someone named Molly pulls Jason aside to show him her secret talent, which is kissing. This wins her a rose. Well played, Molly. Well played...

Nikki absolutely freaks when Natalie casually mentions she just saw Molly and Jason kiss. You see, Nikki takes kissing very seriously because she has only kissed one person since she was 17 and she's totally ready to give up her whole life and move to Seattle with Jason and be a mom to Ty and be completed devoted to Jason and his whole family for the rest of her life. Sigh. To top this off, in her alone time with Jason, she tells him some of the girls are NOT ready to be a mom so he should be very careful. Jason buys it. She's a snake, that one, and she clearly hates Natalie because Natalie has twice mentioned kissing.

But there is a rose to be given out on this crazy group date, and it's given to Molly. Molly with the secret kissing talent. Molly who clearly doesn't take kissing very seriously.

Raquel, the Brazilian, who didn't get in on any of the dates with Jason, hides in his limo and ambushes him when he tries to go home after his group date. She greets him with a bitterly sarcastic, "Did you have enough me?" Jason is unbelievably polite, but you can tell he's put-off.

And Holy Boiled Rabbit, Batman. Stalker Ice Cube girl knows Jason's kid's birthday and the names of all his nieces and nephews. Jason is impressed and terrified at the same time.

What else. Stephanie the widow recounts to the other girls the whole tragic story of losing her husband in a plane crash. It's emotional and sad, but she insists she isn't going to dwell on that, she wants to get to know Jason.

Megan, the lacrosse coach and single mom (and let's be honest, pistol) who the girls tried to kick out last week, never got a chance to talk to Jason alone. So on Rose Night, when she finally gets literally like 45 seconds with him, Molly comes and "steals him away." Molly who doesn't take kissing seriously and who already has a rose and who has already been on a date with Jason. So everyone is mad at her, and when Erica is two-faced about it, there's a small cat fight.

And just for good measure, Nikki once again takes the opportunity to try to throw the other girls under the bus, constantly telling Jason that some of the girls are not genuine and not right for him. She's totally right, but guess what -- she's one of them. Jason thinks he can trust her.

This might be my favorite part. Before the rose ceremony, an emotional Lisa (I don't even remember her) tells Jason she has to leave because she just found out her grandmother has inoperable terminal cancer and she wants to be with her family. Shannon (Stalker Ice Cube) shows what a stellar human being she is by remarking that's one less girl for her to have to compete with, and Lauren, the attention hound (by the way, everytime I write "hound" I'm not really thinking "hound") says "as long as I get a rose, I don't really care."

I so wish Jason could watch these tapes before he chooses one of these gems.

So who does he send home?

The Brazilian ambusher who really doesn't understand why he didn't pick her. And Sharon, the school teacher who quit her job just to meet Jason. She's disappointed that after knowing her for two days, he doesn't see himself marrying her.

What do we have to look forward to next week? Widow Stephanie gets a date with Jason and her little girl shows up. She does the whole 'grabbing the kid and falling all over the ground hugging her' thing, the same way Jason did with Ty last season. Obvious, anyone?