But apparently it's wrong to shove her in.
Or is it?
We're still in Dubai. The guy with the tall hair, OK, Cheyne (and how precious that it's spelled that way) and his partner Meghan get a healthy lead because last episode they did the fast forward and arrived first.
They are to choose a brief case, take a taxi to a golf club and then look for a clue box.
The roadblock in the clue box tells them they must take a dinghy to a yacht where the Arab tradition of gifting with a watch will be practiced. The team must figure out that the time on the watch, 8:35, is the combination of the briefcase's lock. When they open the case, they'll get the next clue.
Miss America shares that she likes to start the race with makeup and good hair, and while, it goes away by race's end, you've got to at least start that way. Words to live by.
In another styling note, pink hair son and his dad reveal they have bonded over re-dying the pink into his hair. It's a modern family moment.
Miss America, we learn, can not take the dinghy to the yacht because, Mr. America tells us, she does not do water. Let's see, she doesn't do cold, she doesn't do heat, she doesn't do water. I think that covers all the elements.
The Globetrotters, who have become the targets for almost everyone, start the leg off badly, going to the wrong yacht club.
Meghan and Cheyne handle the briefcase rather quickly and they're on to the detour. Gold requires finding a specific jewelry store and putting $500,000 worth of gold on a scale based on the exchange rate. The trick? The exchange rate changes rapidly. The other trick? It requires knowing how to do division.
Glass, the 2nd detour, requires going to a spice market and opening a crate with the parts to a dozen hookahs. The teams must put the hookahs together correctly to get the clue.
Meghan and Cheyne choose the hookahs.
The dinghys are a little too petite for the Globetrotters. Big Easy blames his lack of paddle skills on growing up near the dirty Mississippi River. In the end, he uses his arms instead of the oars.
Meghan & Cheyne find out that the hookahs might be more confusing than division. They've made a small mistake in their assembling -- leaving out some washers, and an already-prone-to-freaking-out Meghan is freaking out.
Miss & Mr. America decide to do the gold detour.
As Globetrotter Big Easy makes his way back to the dock, partner Flight Time encourages him with their motto: "Do it for the hood!" A nearby gay brother encourages his brother by yelling "Do it for the suburbs." Cuz the burbs gotta represent, yo.
While the encouragement gets Big Easy to the dock quickly, it doesn't help him figure out the suitcase combination. Instead of reading the time, he's reading the individual numbers and trying 8 and 7 and every number from zero to 9 as the last number. While he struggles to figure it out, they are falling into last place.
The no-sex couple, who is in last place, get to the dinghy. She, Mika, isn't into water, adding to her list, which we learned last week, also includes a fear of heights.
This, of course, begs the question: WHY ARE YOU IN THE RACE?
Big Easy finally figures out the combination. He knows the hood is mad at him. Actually, the hood is clowning him.
Miss America encourages Mr. America on the gold task. She doesn't do math either. Apparently, neither does he. They head for the hookahs.
Meghan & Cheyne figure out what their hookahs are missing and get the next clue. They are to go to the Palm Resort, slide down a six-story water slide into a shark tank (the sharks are actually separate) and get the clue.
The gay brothers choose the gold task. And what do you know, they have a calculator. Sadly, it doesn't help because you still have to know that division is required to figure out the exchange rate. That sound you hear is America's international ranking in math falling another notch.
Luckily their alliance with the poker players comes in handy. The ladies know that the process requires division. They ask to borrow the calculator and in exchange share their work with the brothers. Now they just have to get the gold on the scale before the exchange rate changes.
Meghan & Cheyne hit the slide, and get the next clue. It takes them to the pit stop in first place. They win personal watercrafts.
At the hookah assembly spot, the heat is getting to the teams. Miss & Mr. America have something wrong they can't figure out and Miss America is exasperated. Finally, Mr. America figures out that the hookahs with the stripped bases have to have stripped hoses.
The Globetrotters, seeing the Americas finish and knowing the Americas had a big lead, figure the hookahs will take them too long. They switch to the gold task.
This seems like a huge mistake; these guys couldn't figure out the time/combination test. But the Globetrotters walk into the jewelry shop and simply ask for a calculator. Genius. And they know it's about division.
At the slide, Mr. America reveals a fear of heights and again tells us that Miss America is not a water fan. It becomes clear that for her, it's about the hair. But she and I both know that she has a weave and a hair dryer so what's the drama about? As it turns out, the water isn't even deep enough to get her hair wet. Her cuteness is secured.
The Globetrotters are catching up, but they are in last place. The no-sex couple are at the slide, the so-called leap of faith. But the no-sex girl's faith is weak. She comes to the slide with floaties on her arms. And her boyfriend is losing patience.
He tries to be gently encouraging, but her fear makes her snippy and he starts yelling and then when he tries to get her to just sit down at the top of the slide, as soon as he touches her she yells, "Help me! Help me! You can't make me! You can't make me!"
The guy manning the slide wants no part of this; he steps out of the way.
She's obviously terrified and we should feel sorry for her except IF YOU'VE EVER WATCHED THE RACE, WHICH SHE CLEARLY HAS, YOU KNOW THERE'S GOING TO BE A WATER EVENT AND ALMOST ALWAYS THERE IS SOMETHING WITH HEIGHT. SO IF YOU ARE THIS SCARED OF EITHER, WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME, YOUR PARTNER'S TIME, THE VIEWERS' TIME (OK, FOR THE VIEWER IT'S GOOD TV)? IF YOU'RE NOT HERE TO OVERCOME YOUR FEARS, DON'T COME ON THE SHOW, FOOL!
No-sex girl begins to pray: "God, please hear me." She says she hates her life right now. She asks her boyfriend 'Canaan, why do you hate me?' BECAUSE YOU WON'T GO DOWN THE FREAKING SLIDE!
In the meanwhile, the Globetrotters have arrived. No-sex boyfriend tells us that when a second team arrives, the first team has two minutes before they need to start the task or else they have to get out of the way and let the other team go.
Apparently, the Globetrotters know this too. They begin taunting no-sex girl, telling her she shouldn't do it if she's scared, it's high.
It would be mean IF SHE WASN'T A DOPE FOR COMING ON THE SHOW BUT BECAUSE SHE IS, it's good gamesmanship. And it works.
The two minutes elapses and she doesn't go. The Globetrotters go down; the no-sex boyfriend says Big Easy is "a piece of crap" for taunting his girlfriend. Maybe so, but he's an non-eliminated piece of crap.
The no-sex couple, Mika & Canaan are eliminated. She never does go down that slide. She says that she feels like she's let him down and herself too. He says he doesn't hold it against her; it's a reminder that people are not perfect and neither is he.
I think that's the equivalent of 'Bless her heart,' no?
Assistant Features Editor Adrienne Johnson Martin would like to have her life turned into an animated cartoon. 
