That the cheating tiny stuntmen brothers Mark & Mike got eliminated is a surprise only to my colleague Robbi Pickeral, who actually bet me a quarter that they would catch up, despite the fact that they had received about a three-hour penalty last week.
The first team left Bangkok at 9:36 am; they left at 4 in the afternoon.
No, the action last night was about the Margie & Luke/Kisha & Jen situation. Which got crazy.
Mom Margie & her son, the first deaf contestant Luke were the first to depart for Guilin, China. They were to find a hair salon to get their next clue. They had the earliest departure and a big lead over the other teams.
We learn next that NFL cheerleader Jaime of Jaime & Cara not only can't abide by people in non-English speaking countries not speaking English, she also doesn't like crowded places. Yes, there are a billion people in China and I get the feeling that after this episode President Obama might have to apologize on our nation's behalf.
Overachieving brother and sister Tammy & Victor are excited to head to China. They're Chinese!
Jen of athletic black sisters Kisha & Jen says that this is the point in the race when she gets competitive; she's going to knock someone over if she has to. Uh oh.
There's a flight delay for Margie & Luke, Jamie & Cara, and Tammy & Victor, so Kisha & Jen, who got on a different flight end up in first place in China.
Upon their arrival, Tammy & Victor break out the Mandarin and it becomes clear they will use their language skills for all they're worth. When they talk to their cab driver, they tell him they are in a race with "foreigners." American citizenship or $1 million? No contest.
Jaime & Cara get to the hair salon first. Thankfully, their cab driver knows where it is, so Jaime doesn't have to yell at her.
The clue sends them to the #24 bridge for the next clue.
There's already bad blood between Kisha & Jen and Margie & Luke because last week Margie got her cab driver to mislead Kisha & Jen's cabbie, getting them lost for a while.
Margie says she's been surprised by her son's competitiveness. This statement will have some import later.
Margie & Luke and Kisha & Jen are at the hair salon yet despite the fact that the marked clue box is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, they all don't see it. And then suddenly, Jen and Luke see it at the same time.
They run for it and Luke pretty much body checks Jen, then throws an elbow to get her out of the way. Jen responds by calling him a bee-yotch, explaining later that since it was a bee-yotch move, he was worthy of the epithet.
In the cab, Margie tells Luke what Jen says and tells him that he can't get physical. Margie expresses disappointment in Jen for her remark; Luke says 'game on,' and something about it's a good thing he's deaf and couldn't hear that, and then says that calling the deaf guy a bee-yotch is not nice.
This last remark is especially curious because Margie & Luke say they want to prove that deaf people are capable, are equal. What's a better equalizer than profanity? If we can all be called female dogs, aren't we all the same?
Note, too, that Margie seems to at least slightly acknowledge that he is being physical and competitive. And that Luke is the one who brings up deafness.
Tammy & Victor get to the roadblock first. Teams are to get on a raft, take it to the middle of a river and train a bird to catch and bring back fish to the raft 10 times.
Jen and Luke have another encounter at a clue box. This time it looks like they are running full out, Jen tries to stop but she can't stop in time because of her momentum and falls into the box. Luke sees it as deliberate and so does Margie, who yells at Jen.
In the cab, Margie tells Luke that Kisha said that Luke pushed Jen first. He says he didn't; Margie agrees. This is a case of a mother loving her son a bit too much. TEACHABLE MOMENT: It also marks the point where any interested ladies should see Luke as a lacking marriage candidate. When the mother can't see the son's mistakes, you are in for a lifetime of trouble.
Jaime & Cara begin by yelling at the raft guy.
Luke gets bit by a bird and calls the bird dumb. Luke, it's not nice to call the bird dumb. Jen says the bite is karma. That's not nice either but I'm on her side.
Tammy & Victor's Mandarin doesn't help much; Kisha & Jen finish first and the clue sends them to the Ancient South Gate.
At the gate there's a detour: choreography and calligraphy.
Choreography means learning a dance and performing it for the approval of judges to get the clue. Calligraphy means copying Chinese characters at 4 stations and getting a literal stamp of approval for each.
The dance seems easier to me, but only Jaime & Cara choose to do it. Since they were Miami Dolphins cheerleaders they say they are trained to follow directions down to the 'T.' They think it gives them a slight advantage. Apparently, no one has told them that cheerleading isn't really dancing.
That becomes clear when they struggle to get the dance right. They are stepping on each other and the other dancers, they are off beat. But they don't know it. They think they are doing well. So when the judges don't give them the OK, you just hold your breath cuz you know the steam's rising in Jaime.
It is, but they try again. And they get the thumbs down again. Now Jaime is mad. They can't do the dance and these dang Chinese people can't tell them what's wrong because they don't speak English! Why does this keep happening!
Meanwhile, Tammy & Victor, Kisha & Jen and Margie & Luke are doing the calligraphy. Tammy & Victor are working the Mandarin, pretty much badgering the judges to give them the stamps. They call out all the stops: Our Chinese parents will cry if we don't win this race! We're lawyers, we'll sue you, give us the stamp! Maybe we Chinese people need to be controlled! (OK, that was Jackie Chan)
The three teams end up completing the task pretty much at the same time and head to the pit stop at Banyan Lake on foot. Kisha & Jen make it first and get a trip to Barbados; Tammy & Victor are second; Margie & Luke are third.
Phil, obviously tipped off by the camera people, asks about a perceived tension as they near the end of the race. The other teams starts with the more general 'yes, it's a race now' talk; in the background Margie is telling Luke not to say anything, but Luke won't be stopped.
He brings up the battlng between he and Jen ,and Jen immediately fesses up to calling him a bee-yotch and explains why and what happened. Phil asks to hear Luke's side; Kisha smiles as they listen.
Margie interprets her smiling as mocking her son, a charge even Phil doesn't buy. Margie is convinced: He's had to deal with this all his life! She even says that as black women they should know what it's like to be treated they way her dead son is. Oh no she didn't! Oh yes, she did.
TEACHABLE MOMENT: People are not thinking about your disabilities all the time unless you bring your disabilities up all the time; thus making your disabilities continue to be known as your disabilities, as opposed to just another part of you and your capabilities. Also, being black doesn't mean you are automatically predisposed to being sensitive to everyone with an issue or even obligated to be sensitive to said people. Black people are just like you Margie, capable of being overly sensitive, blinded by love for our child, overly dramatic. And wrong. Because you are just wrong here.
Jaime & Cara, meanwhile, are about to give up on the dance, and move to calligraphy, then decide to try it again, and they get it right. They come in fifth and don't imperil Chinese/American relations.
Assistant Features Editor Adrienne Johnson Martin would like to have her life turned into an animated cartoon. 
