Add "upper body strength" to the list of things you might need to win the Race.
We're down to six teams. First, let's take a step back and marvel at the wonder that is Dubai. The pit stop is a resort, a man-made island shaped like a palm tree that is eight football fields big. On the one hand, it's ridiculously over the top. On the other hand, I yearn to go there.
Meghan & Cheyne were first again, so they are the first to leave and the clue sends them to Amsterdam. As it turns out, the earliest flight is atmidnight, and since it's mid-afternoon, all the teams will be on the same flight.
The gay brothers, Sam and Dan, tells us the difference between them. Sam is book smart and Dan is street smart. Or is it the other way around? And does it matter?
Perceptive diva Miss America notices that she just might be a nag; she's been yelling a lot. Like a 12-stepper, she says she hopes that the first step in beating her disease is acknowledging it.
The teams are having a nice relaxed time at the airport, so the gay brothers decide it's a nice moment to tell everyone that they are the 'token gay team.' Mr. America comments that now the matching swimsuits make sense. The gay brothers blame that on their mom. Pink hair father makes a nice joke; he wonders aloud whether this is a good time to tell his son that he's adopted.
In Amsterdam, Mr. & Miss America's day begins its descent. They can't work the luxury car. Mr. America is vocally miffed, though not out of control. Still it freaks Miss America out. "You dictate my mood!" Which is kinda like saying, "If you weren't such an idiot, I wouldn't be yelling at you!"
Globetrotter Flight Time notes that if he knows anyone's name on the race it's Mr. America because he wife is always yelling "BRIAN!!" That's almost immediately followed by a clip of Miss America squawking "BRIAN!!" Hey, they can only edit what you give them.
Time for the roadblock: The teams have to go up the staircase of a bell tower and count the bells in the tower. When they get the right number -- 62 -- they get the clue.
Meghan & Cheyne and the gay brothers arrive first; Meghan and a gay brother decide to work together on the counting.
Pink-hair son Matt goes it alone and gets it right on the first go, and he and dad move into first place. They quickly lose it trying to get to the next clue.
Meghan and the gay brother get it right next; on the way down, the gay brother gives the answer to the nice non-Asian poker girl.
The next clue sends the teams to a windmill.
Miss & Mr. America get to the bell tower and Miss America is to do the task. Strong legs and keen eyes? This seems like a bad idea.
And I'm right. Miss America counts and she counts 43 bells, not 62. So along with not doing heat, cold, and water, Miss America doesn't do simple arithmetic. "Brian should have done this," she says bitterly.
Meanwhile at the windmill, the clue offers a detour. Both require traditional garb and riding bikes. For farmer's game, teams must strip down to their Dutch drawers and swim across a creek to a field and play 3 holes of a golf-like game. They must get the ball in the hole in 8 strokes or they have to start over.
Farmer's dance involves first hitting a hammer bell (one of those carnival strong men games), then learn a traditional dance and eat salted herring and onions.
Miss America counts again and gets 56. She tries again and gets 57.
Although the golf game seems pretty hard, the gay brothers and Meghan & Cheyne choose it. Meghan says she's not good at golf so she goes reluctantly.
Miss America breaks down. The bell counting is just too much. She comes to Mr. America and he tells her to take a five-minute break before trying again.
Despite strong wind, the gay brothers finish the golf game pretty quickly. They are in the lead and head to the pit stop.
Meghan is struggling with the golf and she makes sure that Cheyne knows it. But despite the whining she eventually gets the hang of it.
Pink hair Matt and his dad are at the dance site, but Matt says he doesn't like fish, so when the herring thing comes up, they bail on the task.
The poker players are at the hammer bell. They swing the hammer like girls, girls who sit around lifting nothing heavier than playing cards for a living. It is not a girl power moment.
Miss America gives herself a pep talk. It works. She gets the 62.
The gay brothers get to the pit stop first and win a sand buggy.
The poker players are still trying to ring the bell. They've tried 30 times without success. They switch to the golf.
Mr. and Miss America continue their bad day by not reading the clue, and heading to the detour, on foot, instead of by bike. This leads to a lot of complaining by Miss America about her feet hurting in the wooden shoes. Mr. America is not allowed to complain.
The Globetrotters have decided to dance. Once they get the steps they say it's "Soul Train," which means suddenly the traditional Dutch dance looks a bit like the Electric slide. The fish, however, does not become fried catfish. It's especially painful for Flight Time who won't even talk about it afterward.
The poker players can't do the golf. They go back to the dance.
After walking in the wooden shoes too long, Miss America notes that something must be wrong. Mr. America reads the clue; they discover they've bypassed the bikes. He's in trouble now; she's really mad. She doesn't do hurt feet. And no, Mr. America, your pain does not compare to hers. She had to walk up those steps several times when she was miscounting those bells. So Mr. America, do not complain about your feet. "The least you could do is be compassionate," she says. And, no, she will not give you credit for YOUR hurt feet. Let's focus on her pain, please.
The poker players are back at the bell. It's attempt number 70. Ok. Back to the golf.
Mr. & Miss America do the dance. It's fun. Miss America falls back in love with her husband. They borrow bikes to get to the pit stop.
Miss America says it's not her finest hour, and the hour might get longer. Because they didn't take the bikes to the detour they incur a 30-minute penalty.
But it's pretty clear that the poker players are falling apart. Back on the golf course, they are cold and wet, and almost too tired to swing those clubs. Their white Dutch drawers serve as surrender flags. Phil comes to retrieve them.
For the second time, a team doesn't finish a task and leaves the game. The Race is a cruel mistress.
Assistant Features Editor Adrienne Johnson Martin would like to have her life turned into an animated cartoon. 
