Pity "Survivor" chieftan Mark Burnett so far this season. Here he's got a former sitcom star, a former pro baseball player and two former players that could be bringing some interesting drama, but producers aren't getting to spend much screen time on them. That's because they keep having to focus on one of the most inept tribes in "Survivor" history.
Yes, pitiful Matsing — or as Malcolm called it, "The Goon Squad" — was back to Tribal Council for the third straight time this week. The goons landed there after a pathetic Immunity Challenge performance where only half of the four-person team — muscular Malcolm and tough sex therapist Denise — showed the slightest hint of athletic aptitude.
Russell, the dreadlocked returning player who talks a good game, faltered as he attempted to dive into the ocean and collect pieces for a puzzle. He even had trouble climbing a three-rung ladder to get out of the water. But he was a regular Ryan Lochte when compared to Angie, right. The sweet-but-dumb beauty queen hardly even tried. She went into the water just once, then decided that this was just not her thing. But later, she wanted us to know that she is not someone who gives up easily. (Sorry, Ang, but you kinda are.) Even Malcolm, who seems to have enjoyed cuddling up to Angie this season, couldn't justify keeping her around. She was sent home, leaving just a three-person Matsing. Can they ever get it together?
All the time spent on The Goon Squad meant we didn't see much of the other players, including our North Carolina home girl Dana Lambert. Though she claims not to be a strong ocean swimmer, Dana performed well in the challenge. And she's savvy enough to help realize that teammate Jonathan Penner, another returning player, had stolen a Hidden Immunity Idol right out from under the noses of his fellow players.
Other thoughts:
-Jonathan tried to form an alliance with Jeff Kent, the former Major League Baseball player on his team. Jeff went along, but later told us that he only gave Jonathan a four-finger handshake and not the more meaningful and trustworthy five-finger handshake. (Huh? Is this really a thing?)
-Lisa (you know, "Blair" from "The Facts of Life"?) entered into an odd alliance with young teammate Pete, who finally talked for what seemed like the first time this season. Lisa told us she's not a card player but that the game makes her feel like one because a "new hand is dealt each day."
-Michael Skupin, left, the returning player who fell into the campfire during his last time on the show, continued to be the Bad Luck Schleprock of the Philippines. This guy is a walking accident. During the Immunity Challenge, he managed to shatter his diving mask, getting blood all over his face, while just jumping in the water. (How does one even do that?)
-Feisty Abi-Maria found a Hidden Immunity Idol and played it cool so no one would notice. (Wait, that's what a normal person would do. Abi-Maria instead ran whooping and screaming through the camp like the Tasmanian Devil in a bikini.)
-In addition to the aforementioned Pete, Ardis and Carter actually spoke this week, too! Now we're just waiting to see whether Katie is capable of speech.
Thad Ogburn is The N&O's Metro Editor, overseeing most local news reporting. His previous jobs have included editor of North Raleigh News and Features Editor, during which he learned that comics attract more reader response than just about anything else we do. His guilty pleasure is reality TV, which he finds not very real at all. That's assuming, of course, there is room on his DVR amid all the episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" that his wife and daughter record.