Mad Men: One minute you're on top of the world...

Last night's episode of "Mad Men" was one of those "holy moley!" episodes where so much happened and so much of it was absolutely jaw dropping.

Did you ever think you'd see blood on the walls at Sterling Cooper?

Spoiler alert - don't read below if you haven't watched yet.

The British are coming! And the secretarial staff is readying for Joan's last day, which unfortunately seems to fall on the same day the Brits are arriving. Moneypenny has turned into a huge spotted dick, and he intentionally blows her surprise party. Joan tells him she's going home and, "When you wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what you forgot, don't call
me." 

It is so clear in this episode that Sterling Cooper wouldn't last a week without Joan, so I hope to God the writeres have a plan to keep her there. Not only does she instruct the secretaries on how to make the office look uncommonly busy and productive for their visitors, she pays attention to all the small details that others overlook. And she saves lives. More about that later.

The reason Joan is leaving Sterling Cooper is because her apparently stupid doctor-rapist-fiance is about to get his surgery residency. Except it turns out he "has no brains in his fingers," and can't be a surgeon in New York. If he wants to operate on people, he'll have to operate on the poor, ignorant souls in "Alabama or somewhere." This shall not stand!!! He cannot take Joan to Alabama! In any case, he tells Joan she can't leave her job for another year. When she tells him that has already been done, he tells her to get another job. NO! Get your job back, Joan!!

Meanwhile, Bertram Cooper plants a seed in Don's ear that the visiting British parent company may be coming in order to give him a promotion. Instead, we learn they are there to send poor Lane Pryce out to pasture (otherwise known as the Bombay office) and introduce their new golden boy, Guy Mackendrick. Guy dazzles everyone with his charm and gift for b.s.  And in the big meeting when they unveil the new organizational chart, Guy has placed himself on par with Cooper, and has Don reporting to him. Even more surprising (and hilarious) is that they "forgot" to even put Roger Sterling on the chart at all. It's just an "oversight," Guy says, and they pencil "Sterling" onto the chart beside Cooper.

Just after Guy reveals to the office that he's staying in NYC and pretty much taking over, they have a little party. He makes a speech to the staff and then toasts Joan, wishing for her "caviar and children," and Joan breaks down crying. Guy isn't a horrible person, and he seems to feel bad that he made her cry. They roll out a cake and begin drinking heavily. Peggy makes an attempt at thanking Joan for all she's done for her, and for the first time, the two seem to genuinely respect and appreciate each other. No jealousy, no hidden agenda, no power struggle. Joan sweetly tells Peggy that she takes some credit for Peggy's success, and Peggy tells her that she's glad Joan has finally gotten what she wanted. Ha.

At that very moment, a drunk secretary is careening around the office on a John Deere riding lawn mower (long story) and you know something bad is about to happen. Sure enough, she runs right over Guy's foot and blood sprays all over the white shirts of the men standing nearby. Guy screams and writhes on the floor in agoy while the entire office is frozen in shock -- everyone but Joan, that is. Joan rushes over and grabs his foot and begins applying a tourniquet.

What are they going to do without her? And why couldn't that have been Moneypenny?

Don isn't present for this, since he had just been called to the Waldorf Astoria to meet with Conrad Hilton, his buddy from the country club a few episodes back. Conrad wants advice on an ad campaign, and Don takes one look at the cartoon rodent on the page and tells him, "I don't think anyone wants to think about a mouse in a hotel."

Conrad asks Don what he'd like and Don says he'd love a shot at their business. Conrad tells him, "Okay, but the next time someone like me asks you something like that, you need to think bigger." Don lays some hungry-snake Jedi wisdom on him and then translates (for all of us): "One opportunity at a time."

Then Don gets the emergency call from Joan. He meets her at the hospital, where she's bloody and disheveled, but still looking beautiful while calmly drinking her Dr. Pepper. She tells Don she didn't expect him to come over, but thought he needed to know. "Honestly, when I called you you," she says very matter-of-factly, "I thought he might die." "But he's not going to?" Don asks. "No. He's lost the foot."

Don sits down to wait with Joan and tells her she's going to be terribly missed. Why won't Joan ask him now for her job back!? They obviously value her for more than her looks.

Joan, perhaps thinking of her own situation and how bright her future looked just a day earlier, speaks of poor Guy: "I bet he felt great when he woke up this morning. . . . But that's life. One minute you're on top of the world and the next minute some secretary is running you over with a lawn mower."

The Brits come in and thank Joan for saving Guy's life, "such as it is." They immediately begin talking about Guy as if he's dead, making it clear that his career is over. "I don't know if that's true," Don says. "The man is missing a foot. How's he going to work?" they respond. Powell offers in his most somber, British tone, "The doctor says he'll never golf again." Well then, there you guy. He may as well just die, right? So much for the stiff upper lip.

At least Lane gets to keep his job and doesn't have to move to Bombay. He tells Don that he's been reading some American literature lately, specifically "Tom Sawyer." "I feel just like I went to my own funeral, and I didn't like the eulogy," he says of the way Guy was so quickly tossed away.

Back at the office, the guys gather in Crane's office and argue over who is to blame for the lawn mower accident. Roger comes in and comments that it "looks like Iwo Jima out there," and is told that Guy lost his foot. "Right when he got it in the door," Roger replies. They laugh. Throughout this whole scene, a janitor squeegees blood off the frosted glass wall of Crane's office. Cosgrove offers to take full responsibility, even though he wasn't the one who got the mower out, it was just his account. Roger tells him to relax: "Somewhere in this business, this has happened before."

On the home front, Sally has revealed to Don that she's afraid of the dark, while Betty complains to Don that Sally is just jealous of the new baby and that she resents him. Don instructs Betty to get Sally a night light and to be nice to her.

But that's not possible. The depth of Betty's coldness in regard to her children can still be pretty shocking. For instance, when little Bobby tells her he's bored, I thought for sure Betty would trot out her usual command to "go watch TV." Instead she suggests that Bobby should go bang his head against a wall. Nice.

But at least he wanted to "pet" the baby. Sally won't even do that much. Betty tries to win her over by giving her a Barbie with short, dark hair (!?) and telling her it's from the baby. Sally acts terrified of the doll, which Betty interprets as Sally being ungrateful. And then, still assuming Sally is jealous of the baby, Betty summons up every single ounce of her nurturing, motherly love and tells Sally, in a very businesslike manner, "And you are very important to me, too." I'm surprised she didn't end the scene with a handshake.

When Don returns home that night, he finds the brunette Barbie in the bushes outside and returns it to Sally's dresser while she sleeps. Cue terrified shrieks -- which wake the baby and tick off Betty. Sally thinks the spooky baby returned the Barbie. She tells Don she thinks baby Gene is her dead
grandpa Gene who has come back from the dead. Don assures her that it's just a baby and then goes to lobby for Betty to change the baby's name, pointing out that neither he nor Sally think it's very appropriate. Sweetheart Betty tells him they need to just get over it.

Don goes back to comfort Sally and shares a sweet moment with his daugther and his newest son, helping Sally bond with the baby by giving her what she really needs: assurances, attention, and affection. Not a threat, not a bribe. Don tells her, "We don't know who he is yet, or who he's going to be. And that's a wonderful thing."

Don does love a blank slate.