Lost recap 6.4 - "The Substitute"

Our "Lost" junkie Luci Chavez reports on last night's episode:

Oooooh! So that's what that's all about.

DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE EPISODE. SERIOUSLY. I WON'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE.

I'm going to argue that the BIG THING revealed in this episode is not so big.

My favorite part of this episode is how completely Lindelcuse reminded us how much of a sad sack John Locke (Terry O'Quinn) truly was back in the world. He's at his house in LA trying to get out of his van and the rig to lower his wheelchair out of the van jams. Then he tries to roll himself off the rig and tips over on his face on the grass. Then the lawn sprinklers come on. Thank God, Helen, the lovely Katey Segal, comes out to help him.

Helen and Locke talk. They have a wedding coming up. (Not such a sad sack after all.) Locke talks about the conference he was supposed to go to in Australia. No mention of the walkabout. She finds Foxy's business card and they talk about whether Locke should take the spinal surgeon up on his offer of a free consult. Locke is like, naaah. Helen is like, "What are the odds of you just running into a spinal surgeon? Is it destiny?" (Ugh. Yes. We KNOW!)

On the island ... ooooh, twisty metal music times 10 follows a camera panning through the Others' compound. And a random hand reaches out and we see Black Locke going, "Oh there's my machete!" Except this time you look like you mean to use it, my friend. Black Locke cuts a bag that's been hanging from a tree. Richard Alpert (Nestor Carbonell) falls out. "All right, Richard. Time to talk."

In Los Angeles, Locke wheels back into his cubicle. That jackhole boss Randy is back. Randy is questioning Locke about NOT going to the conference in Sydney. Locke fesses up. Doh. "I know I shouldn't have lied. But it's personal. I don't want to talk about it." Fireable offense. You're out, Locke. (Randy really is a punk. I think Lost does villains really well, even the punky ones are detestable beyond reason. That's good TV, folks.)

On the island, Black Locke gives Richard the hard sell. Nestor wants to know why Black Locke looks like Dead Locke. Black Locke explains it's because it enables him to get close to Jacob. "John is a candidate," Black Locke says. Huh? A candidate for head of this creepy island, you say?

Richard is still asking questions when Black Locke gives him that Ben-like look and the verbal slap to the face. "You mean, you've been doing it all and he never told you why? I never would have kept you in the dark. I want to treat you with respect." (Yeah, because Black Locke is all about the respect.) "Come with me and I'll tell you everything." Richard then does the smartest thing anyone has ever done on this crazy show. He says no. That's the smartest thing you've said since you've been on this show, Nestor.

At the statue, Ilana is crying. Ben walks in. Ilana asks what gives. He tells her Locke killed Jacob. Eww. Gross. ilana is pulling Jacob's ashes out of the firepit and saving them. Ben asks about Richard's whereabouts. "He's recruiting." Recruiting new soldiers, perhaps?

At the Others' compound, Black Locke busts in on one of the cabins and some decent music playing on the record player. (Remember records?) He opens bedroom door to find a  semi-naked Sawyer (Josh Holloway) drinking himself into a stupor. Sawyer says, "I thought you were dead?" Black Locke answers, "I am."

Sawyer is still drinking and ... oh man, I didn't need to see that! Nasty, dirty underwear! Gross!!! Get some clean drawers on, James! Come on! Women all over the world just turned the TV off! Not cool, man! ... Obviously, sans Juliet, James only cares about the Dharma generic Wild Turkey.

James has enough in him to ask, "Who are you? You aren't Locke. Because Locke was scared." (Way to figure it out, Sawyer.) Black Locke claims to know the answer to the most important question of the entire show. "Why are you on this island?" Black Locke promises that if James comes along, he'll prove that it wasn't because of the plane crash, the raft blowing up, or having to jump out of the helicopter. (Sounds pretty good to me. Put on some clean undies, man.)

In Los Angeles, Locke has more trouble with his para-ride. Someone has parked their hummer too close to his van. Hugo!!! Turns out Hugo owns the company from which Locke just got fired. "Randy? That guy is a huge douche." (Yes!) Hugo sends Locke to another of his companies, a temp agency, for a new gig. "Chin up. It'll work out." (Thank you, Sunshine!)

On the island ... Hey Sun! You look good, girl! ... Ilana drops Jin's name and Sun is like, what up? And Ilana says you better come with because if Jin, your hot, mob heavy, husband is still alive, he'll be at the temple. Let's go. Sun's like, hey, sure he's nice to look at but we need to bury Locke first. (Come on, Sun. Don't be thick. Go find Jin!)

Out in the jungle, there's a second apparition of a towheaded kid who may or may not be a middle school-aged Jacob. Tween Jacob says. "You know the rules. You can't kill him." "Don't tell me what I can't do!" Black Locke yells back. Tween Jacob keeps shaking his head. "Don't tell me what I can't do!" Black Locke is maaaaad.

Actually he sounds like Alive Locke back at the adventure trip company office insisting he be allowed to go on the walkabout. I like this moment because not only do we know the lives of the plane passengers entwined with or without the crash, but we're seeing taht their personalities stick regardless of their circumstances. Interesting.

Still in the jungle, Sawyer is yelling for Black Locke and getting all pushed out of shape when Richard appears. Sawyer and Richard aregue about what Black Locke is doing. Black Locke has answers. No he doesn't. Come to the temple. I'm not going. WTH.

In Los Angeles, Locke is interviewing at the temp agency. He's frustrated with the questions. He asks for a supervisor. Hey, Rose. Good to see you. Locke asks Rose to be a site coordinator at a construction site. Rose has a Rose moment. "If you want to work construction, you got it. I'm not finished. I'll send you down there and the day after you'll be back in my office." Locke bristles. Rose counters with the news that she has cancer and will die. "How about we find you a doable job, homey?"

In the jungle, Sawyer and Black Locke are holding a meeting of the jungle book club. Today's author? John Steinbeck. Sawyer breaks down "Of Mice and Men." (Spoiler alert. George shoots Lenny at the end.) And I'm like, yeah, shoot Black Locke! Shooooot 'em!!! Sawyer puts the gun up to Black Locke's head but then starts wondering if shooting a guy who's already dead would actually work to, you know, kill him. A conundrum to be sure.

Sawyer again asks Black Locke, "What are you?" "What I am is trapped." Oooooooh. "I've been trapped for so long, I can't remember freedom. Before I was trapped, I used to be a man. Shoot me but it'd be a shame to not find out what you want to find out." Sawyer is like, yeah wahatever. Damn it! Foiled again. You'd think I would learn that simply offing the bad seeds on the island would be enough to rid the world of them. So frustrating.

On the beach, Ben and Ilana are carrying Dead Locke walking with Sun and Lapidus. They pass by grave markers then dig another for Dead Locke.  No one steps up for the eulogy. Ben does. But you killed him,you freak! "John Locke was a ... a believer. A man of faith. A much better man than I will ever be. " You can say that twice and mean it. "And I'm very sorry I murdered him." Wait. Are those tears? Crocodile? Real. Wow, Ben. You almost had me for a minute. At least Creepy Ben admitted killing him. (Strangled him.)

In Los Angeles, Locke is at home getting dressed and starts thinking about calling Foxy. He dials but hangs up with leaving a number. Mrs. Bundy hears him and encourages him to do it. Locke  tells her he got fired. Someone's at the door with his lost luggage. He tells Helen to open the case. She finds knives, big knives. Mrs. Bundy is confused.

"They were for my walkabout. An adventure in the outback but they wouldn't let me go. I'm imagining what my life would be out of this chair ... but it's not going to happen. Don't spend your life waiting for miracles because there's no such thing." (Oh man, that cello always gets me, right there, Tears.) But Helen responds to the guy with no faith. "There are miracles, John. The only thing I was ever waiting for was you." Helen tears up Jack's card.

On the island, Sawyer and Black Locke are standing on the cliff. Locke takes a big ladder down, a 90-degree face of the cliff. Oh Lord, EL-E-VA-TiON. Sawyer tries to negotiate the bamboo ladder to the rope ladder. Oops. Sawyer nearly falls a couple of times.  They wind up in a cave. There's a  scale balancing a black rock and a white one.  Locke takes the white rock and tosses it into the sea. It's a joke.

Sawyer has had about enough. Is this why I'm here? Another creepy cave. No, my love, apparently there is another cave. Black Locke lights a torch and they proceed into a deeper cave that has names and numbers scratched on the walls and ceiling. I see Jarrah (Sayid) and Reyes (Hugo). So it's a list. (OK, I'm calling BS right here. We knew they were chosen. We knew it was a list of some sort. Someone on the others had already mentioned there was a list of good and bad. WE GET IT. You're not telling us WHY! Total and complete codswollop.)

Back in L.A., Locke is a high school girls volleyball coach. He actually looks kinda happy. Now he's teaching high school science. Today, the human reproductive system. Time for lunch. Time for a cup o' joe. And there's Ben Linus. Hi, I teach European history. How appropriate.

In the island cave, Black Locke says Jacob wrote all the names and numbers - 23 is Shephard; 8 is Reyes, 16 is Jarrah, 42 is Kwon (Jin or Sun?); 4 is Locke, 15 is Ford. "Why is my name on the wall when I've never met Jacob?" Au contraire, Black Locke says. He probably came to you at the worst time in your life and that moment dictated everything you did from then on and THAT led you to the island. So Jacob met James when he was a boy, at his mom's funeral. Jacob gave him a pen and with that pen, James wrote the letter to the guy who ruined his life, the real Sawyer.

"He was pushing you to the island." Why? "Because you're a candidate." A candidate to protect the island. So you're one of the Chosen and you have three choices: Do nothing and see how it plays out. Accept the job. Protect the island. (From what? Yeah I was thinking the same thing until Black Locke laughs and says it's a huge joke. The island doesn't need protecting.) The final choice? We leave the island and never look back.

We know what James is doing to do. You ready to go home, dumpling? "Hell, yes." So James wants off the island. Surprise, surprise.

Next week: Someone is coming to the island. And Matthew Fox is actually in the episode.