'Lost' recap 5.7

I gave up swearing for Lent. 

This is a problem because I actually gasped near the end of this episode. I had to, not having a certain four-letter word at my disposal. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard but there you go. That's Lost.

SPOILER ALERT: I advise you to stop whatever you're doing and watch this episode.

Ben Linus is a liar and a murderer. An empirical truth to most Lost fans, I'm sure. But Lost fans, I'm prepared to denounce him now. John Locke (Terry O'Quinn) was ready to kill himself to entice the Oceanic 6 back to the island to save the island. Linus (Michael Emerson) talked him out of it, then killed Locke anyway. OK, I know Locke came back from the dead once they returned to the island, but Linus has no excuse. Cold and dark and lethal that one is.

Lost boys (Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof, J.J. Abrams), you've been warned. If you try to turn that bum into Lost's version of Harry Potter's Snape, I'm done. You hear me? Done.

THE ISLAND

The new guy Cesar (Saïd Taghmaoui) is sneaking around one of the Dharma stations. He finds some papers and sticks them into his backpack when the woman who was with Sayid on the plane, a.k.a. Alana, comes in and asks him what's going on. Sounds like they're trying to account for everyone on the plane. Alana says there's one guy in a suit that no one recognizes and who isn't on the passenger list. And in walks John Locke. He didn't stay dead for long. (The island cured Locke's paralysis and brought him back from the dead? He's special. So why does Locke spend the next 50 minutes doubting it?)

Apparently, John had ended up on the beach. Alana explains that the two boats they see used to be three but the pilot (Frank!) and another woman took one of them.They chat. Alana asks why he's dressed so nicely. Locke says I think they were going to bury me in this suit.

TUNISIA

Flashing back to John and Daddy Shephard (Christian) with the donkey wheel in the Orchid Station, John jimmies the wheel back into place and ends up, just like Linus did last season, in the Tunisian desert surrounded by cameras. It's day, then it's night and a truck full of men comes to haul Locke off to a hospital. By the time they arrive, it's day again. John's hurt and confused and it doesn't help when he sees Matthew Abaddon (Lt. Daniels! a.k.a. Lance Reddick) across the room. By the time John wakes up again, Charles Widmore has taken up a bedside vigil. John doesn't recognize him. Widmore reminds him they met years ago when Widmore was just a teenager (pictured, left). "You look exactly the same. But how long has it been since you saw me?" Widmore, obviously knowing about the time-travel thing, asks. "Four days," Locke replies.

Widmore knew where to put the cameras, knew to wait for Locke, because that part of the desert is "the exit." They chat. John lies about choosing to turn the wheel to take his friends back hom. Chuck knows he's lying. Chuck tells John the 6 have been back three years, all the while lying about what  happened on the island. John wants to know why Chuck is helping him. "Because there's a war coming and if you're not back when it happens the wrong side is going to win." The Pay-Per-View event of the year! Linus vs. Widmore.

Widmore gives Locke a new name (Jeremy Bentham, yet another philosopher), a new phone (Holler, if you're in trouble!) passport, money, and a dossier on the Oceanic 6. John and Chuck go back and forth about Chuck's intentions. John's doesn't want to trust him. "Have I tried to kill you yet? Can you say the same for Linus?" Chuck tells him what Linus is always telling Locke, "The island NEEDS you, John." (Doesn't it sound an awful lot like a boyfriend trying to get his girl back? I'm calling that BS times 10.) Locke says, well what about Richard Alpert telling me I had to die? Chuck plays dumb but promises, "I'll protect you." See I'm sending creepy Matthew, my driver, with you. (Driver? Uh huh. Look at him greeting Hurley at the hospital in this picture above.) John's creeped out.

SANTO DOMINGO, D.R.

Turns out Sayid, after two years as a mercenary, decides building homes or hospitals or whatever, in third-world countries is a good way to atone for his sins. Locke finds the newly Spanish-fluent Sayid in the D.R. and asks him to come back to the island. Sayid says no way and suggests the reason why Locke is so desperate to get back is because he has nowhere else to go. That's 0-for-1.

NEW YORK CITY

Locke takes Big Bad Matt on his offer to look someone up for him and asks himt o find Helen Norwood, the only woman he's ever loved. They're sitting in the car across the street from a school when students start coming out of the school. There's Walt! (We love Walt!) Walt looks across the street and sees John in the wheelchair. Remember, those two were great friends on the island. John smiles and Walt waves and I'm fixing to shed a tear here. Walt crosses the street for a chat, admitting he's been dreaming about John, on the island, getting beaten up. Walt askes about Michael. Locke pauses, then does what everyone else did, he lies. "The last I heard of your dad was that he was on a freighter near the island? (So is this Lost's way of telling us Michael isn't dead? These people are cruel to each other all the time by necessity. Why would Walt be in harm's way if he knew Michael was dead? He doesn't even know he's an orphan! Give the kid some closure already.)

Creepy Matt questions Locke about not telling Walt the truth. Locke says Walt has been through enough. (I'm with Creepy Matthew.) Locke needs to convince just one of the six to come back and the rest will come. It sounds practical until ... NOOOOOOOO!!!! ... we see Linus lurking across the street.

SANTA ROSA, CA

Hurley's at the mental hospital when Locke shows up. Hurley thinks Locke is dead and that he's seeing things like he did with Charlie. But he's calm. He asks a nurse. "Hey Susie am I talking to a dude in a wheelchair?" Yeah, she says, then Hugo freaks out. Locke tries to convince him to come back to the island when Hugo warns Locke not to look over at the creepy guy (Abaddon) watching them. Hurley freaks out again when he hears Abaddon is with Locke. Hurley says no way and Locke leaves as Abaddon tells him, "You're 0-for-3. You might want to step up your game."

LOS ANGELES, CA

John visits Kate, who immediately says no. Kate admits to wondering about Locke, wondering if he's so eager to get back because he doesn't have anyone to love. (Presumably like Kate who, at last count, had three someones to love - Sawyer, Aaron, Foxy. A buffet of options.) Locke has loved someone - Helen, who never loved him back. So sad. By the time Locke gets back in the car, he's worked up enough to demand to know why Abaddon hasn't found Helen yet. Yeah that is a little suspicious.

SANTA MONICA, CA

Oh, because Helen's dead. Locke and Matthew are at her grave. Locke insists they could have had a life. Matthew tells him his path would have led him to the island anyway. Locke wonders why Abaddon can speak with so much assurance, like this is inevitable. (That's strange. Locke you're talking a little like a pitcher being amazed that the ball actually curves and the slider actually slides. You're a believer remember? Get a grip!) And we're left to ponder that in our hearts for about 10 seconds because, holy majoly, Abaddon gets shot, once, twice, three times. Creepy guy down! Creepy guy down!

JACK'S HOSPITAL

(Again, I didn't realize Foxy had the cash to purchase such a thing. Maybe that's where his Oceanic settlement went). Locke wakes up in Jack's hospital to find Jack, growing the oft-mentioned butt-ugly beard (kinda like that one, left), watching him and looking about 10 seconds away from unhinged. Locke tells him, "We have to go back." (It took 5 seconds.) Foxy loses it. "Maybe you're just a lonely old man who crashed on an island." (You know a little something about that, don't you, Dr. Feelgood?) Jack, like Kate and Sayid, has done a good job making Locke doubt his purpose as it relates to the island. But Locke persists. "Your dad said hello." (So I was wondering what straw broke the camel's back with Jack's mental health ... there you go.) "My dad's dead!" (Foxy's crying! Oooouuuiiiii ...) "We left and you were never important so leave me and everyone else alone!"

HOTEL

Locke's holed up in a hotel room preparing to kill himself. He writes the suicide note, throws his cell phone away, and starts stringing up the rope. Just as he gets ready to jump, Ben knocks on the door aand stops him. They go back and forth. Ben says, I shot Abaddon to protect everyone. I've been protecting you all alone. Locke says what about Widmore. They go back and forth as Locke starts crying and Linus tries to gently convince Locke not to kill himself. You're important. The island needs you. Blah, blah, blah as Locke tries to figure out who's the good guy - Linus or Widmore. (Neither!!!!) "I'm a failure. I can't lead anyone."

Linus tells Locke Jack had booked a ticket to Sydney. See it worked. You did it John. Linus drops to his knees begging John that he can't die. John's bawling and I'm so sad because this is a guy who has believed with clears eyes and a full heart since the moment he took steps on the island. Linus suggests a plan of action. Let's go to Sun. John says no, Jin told me not to. Linus says, "A promise is a promise." (You lying sack of peanut butter!) "We'll figure it out together." (I hate that guy!) John's regaining his composure. He knows where they should start.We have to find Eloise Hawking. Do you know her? John asks. Yes, I do know (Hawking), Linus says, before he takes the rope Locke dropped and proceeds to choke him to death.

Ben stages Locke's suicide, takes the note he'll eventually give to Jack, takes Jin's ring, that he'll eventually give back to Sun, and says,  "I'll miss you John. I really will."

ISLAND

Locke is back at the Orchid talking to Cesar. Cesar explains everyone on the plane is accounted except whoever disappeared (Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, Sun) when the light flashed. Cesar says Frank left with the passenger list and some other folks were injured. John goes to have a look and there's Linus lying on a cot. (John didn't but he should have busted a cap in that guy as soon as he saw him.)