'Lost' finale recap: The Incident 1

Finally, the Lost finale.

If you're reading this on Thursday morning and you haven't watched the final two hours of Lost season 5, shame on you. I was in shock for the final 30 minutes.

SPOILERS AND H-BOMB AHEAD.

Darlton, a.k.a. the Lost Boys or Whack Job 1 and Whack Job 2, wrote these episodes. It took two hours to show two things: How everyone was chosen to come to the island and what everyone's motivation is for changing the future. Still, all that and no shots of Sawyer or Jack showing flesh? What gives? Now I have to wait six months?

(AUTHOR TANGENT: Come to find out, all I had to do to catch Foxy rolling around without a shirt was watch Jimmy Kimmel. Hilarious.)

ISLAND, WAY BACK WHEN
We open inside a dark cave with a fire pit with a blond guy weaving his own cloth. Nice tunic. Outside, our new man pulls some fish out of a trap, cuts a beautiful filet and grills it for lunch. Looking out on the water, we see what looks, for all that is good and holy, suspiciously like that old ship — the Black Rock — sailing to the island. Salt-and-pepper dude joins blond guy on the beach and they chat about the when and the what and the why of the ship. Obviously the two guys know each other. "They come to fight, destroy, corrupt. And it always ends the same," salt-and-pepper guys says. "It only ends once," blond guy says. (So THIS is the beginning? They are the beginning.)

Salt-and-pepper guy calmly responds, "Do you have any idea how bad I want to kill you?" Blond guy says, "One of these days you'll find a loophole." (Come on! Say it!) "Always nice talking to you, Jacob." And wouldn't you know it? Just as I'm digesting the fact that I know who Jacob is the camera pulls back to reveal the FOUR-TOED STATUE. Shaa-hoooooow! Welcome to the beginning of our nightmare.

THE WORLD, WAY BACK WHEN
Country road, take me home, to the place, I belong ... we're rolling in the country at some mom and pop store with pickups parked out front. Two kids are plotting. The little girl with the ponytail takes the lead and steals a lunchbox. Of course, she gets caught. But out of nowhere, a man steps in to save her, paying for the lunchbox. "Thanks, mister," she says and we see it's Jacob. "So you're not going to steal anymore?" he asks. "No." "Be good, Katie." He touches Kate, as maybe a 10-year old, on the shoulder and walks away. Jacob just replaced Alpert in the creepy department.

ISLAND 1977
On the submarine, Kate, Sawyer and Juliet are hashing out their options as a guy hands out sedatives for the ride. What are you doing here? I came back for you. Where's Jack? He's on his way to set off a bomb. We have to stop him. Juliet is eyeballing Sawyer but Sawyer tells Kate no. "We were happy with the Dharma folks before you showed up. It's over. We'll take our chances back in the world. Jack wants to blow things up, good for Jack." (Uh, that's the spirit, Sawyer?)

Inside the bomb cave, Sayid figures out that Daniel left instructions on how to remove the bomb core so it doesn't need the heavy casing, and detonate it. (Thank God, Sayid is there.) Alpert says they have two hours to get there per Faraday's instructions.

Out at the Swan station construction site, Radzinsky tries to strongarm Dr. Chang. Radz wants to proceed with the drilling despite the danger of killing himself and everyone on the island. He's been working on this thing for six years. He knows how to harness unimaginable amounts of electromagnetic energy. He's not stopping now, for the love of Pete!

ISLAND 2007
Ben, Sun, John, and Richard are walking. Sun asks Ben about Jacob. Ben admits he's a leader but he's never met him. (Sun get away from that guy before he snatches your heart out of your chest.) Richard and John chat. Ben told me he tried to kill you. How are you alive? I don't know. You tell me. Richard, the unaging one, says he's never seen anyone resurrected. "i've never seen anyone not age. ... Jacob is the reason I'm here. Want to see him to thank him. (What the hey? John is stealing from the LInus back-stabbing playbook. He's playing BOTH SIDES. He told Ben he was going to kill Jacob. Wow. Well-played, sir.)

On the water, Lapidus passed out in the outrigger. Brahm wants to drown Lapidus. Alana says they need him. "He's a candidate." Lapidus is awake. To reassure him they're the good guys they show him what's in the huge box they've been hauling around. Lapidus peeks in and immediately decides he wished he'd never seen it.

THE WORLD, WAY BACK WHEN
Two coffins get rolled past a little blond, blue-eyed boy into a hearse. The little boy is sitting on the steps of a cburch writing something in a notebook but his pen doesn't work. Old Jacob shows up and gives him a pen. "I'm very sorry about your mother and father James," Jacob says touching him on the shoulder. (Sawyer!) Another man takes the notebook and reads what James wrote. It's the letter Sawyer carried around for years. Dear Mr. Sawyer, you don't know me. I know you. I know what you've done. The man tells James he needs to let it go. "There's nothing you can do to change that. What's done is done." (Oh really? Man, you couldn't be more wrong. That's what this darn show is all about!) "Promise me you won't finish that letter." "I promise." (And I bet you two whoppers that was James' first fabrication."

ISLAND 1977
On the sub, Sawyer can't decide what to do. "You ain't hearing me. I made my choice." Then Juliet does the first, real, cool raw thing she's ever done and she knee the dude with the sedatives in the face! "You want to help? Or stay here and whine about it?" Go Juliet. They take over the sub, instructing the captain to drop them off at the surface then get away from the island as fast as possible.

In the bomb cave, Sayid takes out the bomb core. Richard tells Jack. "20 years ago Locke walked into camp told me he was ready to be a leader. I've been off the island three times since then but he did not seem special either time. Do you know him?" Jack smiles. "Yeah I do. If I were you, I wouldn't give up on him." (That's so gentle.)

ISLAND 2007
Locke asks Ben why he hasn't told Richard he plans to kill Jacob. "I started thinking differently when my dead daughter told me to do everything you said." Locke's relieved Ben won't fight his plans. "i'm not going to kill Jacob. You are." (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Shot through the heart and you're to blame. Ben, you jerk, take that!)

LOS ANGELES, SOMETIME AFTER 2004
Sayid and Nadia are crossing the street, talking this and that. Jacob appears and tries to ask Sayid for directions. Nadia's in the crosswalk and gets mowed down by a car running a red light. NADIA DOWN. NADIA DOWN. (No. Oh, Sayid.) The camera zeroes in on Sayid reaching out to Nadia's hand, their wedding bands glinting in the sunlight. (So that death is what sends Sayid back into Ben's arms as an assasin.) So we know Sayid's motivation to change time is Nadia and maybe a way out from under all of that killing he's done in his life.

ISLAND 2007
In the bomb cave, Richard busts through a wall into another room in one of the Dharma hood houses. Louise tries to take charge. Alpert coldcocks her with the butt of his gun. Doh. Jack and Sayid sneak into the Dharma house (Horace's) hearing the alarms sound for the island evacuation. Sayid puts on one of Horace's uniforms and they attempt to walk through the confusion outside on their way to the swan.

No way. Roger, that weak plebe, spots them and shoots Sayid in the stomach. Jack manages to shoot everyone else, saving Sayid for the moment. (Foxy! That was so butch! Yeah boy!) Jack is still shooting and it looks like they're both going down until a Dharma van comes careening to a stop in front of them. Come on. Who else would it be? The sliding door comes open and there's Jin! Jack smiles, almost laughing, he's digging it so much. Hurley's at the wheel, saving the day again. (One of the universal truths of the island? Hurley IS McGuyver behind the VW wheel! Yee haw!!!)

In the raft, Sawyer, Kate and Juliet are paddling away from the sub but Juliet turns back for a long look as the sub resubmerges. I'm guessing she's thinking about her sister Rachel and her nephew back home. They get to shore and Kate thanks Juliet for backing her up with Sawyer. (CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! Come on!) They're checking things out when Vincent the dog comes bounding out of the jungle and, my hand to God, I start crying. Vincent is Walt's dog. Walt gave Vincent to Shannon to take care of. Vincent was there all along with Rose and Bernard!

In the Dharma van, Sayid's bleeding. Jack tells Hurley to get them to the Swan. Jin asks why the Swan. "I found a way to get you back to your wife."

On the beach, Rose and Bernard take the trio to their cabin in the jungle. They've been living there for three years, also in 1977. Sawyer doesn't understand why. Jin looked for them grid by grid. "We know. You all joined up with the Dharma people." Sawyer is confused. We could have brought you in with us. Why not come out? "Because we're retired." (Jungle Rose, getting off the best line of the night!)

"Everyone wants a nice quiet place near the ocean to retire to. We have it." But the island is about to go kaflooey! "Who cares? It's always something with you people." The love triangle asks for directions to the Dharma 'hood. Once last try. You're going to die, Juliet says. "So we die. We just care about being together." Which would have been a great line to fade to commercial except the camera catches Sawyer glancing, not at Juliet, but at Kate. Eagle-eye Jules sees it too. And for the first time since she kissed Jack the first time two full seasons ago, I actually feel sorry for her. Juliet kind of lingers as they turn to go and she is, as my brothers say, ABOUT. (As in, "about to cry.")

THE WORLD, SOMETIME POST-2004
Jacob visits a woman all bandaged up. Is he speaking Russian now? He's telling her he needs her help. Alana says yes.

ISLAND, 2007
Alana and her crew find Jacob's cabin but Jacob isn't there. There's something stuck on the wall with a knife. The piece of something has a picture of the statue on it. They head there.

THE WORLD, PRE-2004
Jacob is reading Flannery O'Connor book of short stories called "Everything That Rises Must Converge" on a park bench when someone falls out of a building behind him. Of course, it's Locke after being pushed out of the window by the father who stole a kidney from him. Locke is unconscious on the ground until Jacob touches him on the shoulder and he awakes. "Don't worry. Everything is going to be all right. I'm sorry this happened to you." John sees him.

ISLAND, 2007
On the beach, Locke and company wind up at the Losties' old camp. It's night. Time for Locke to chat with Ben. Ben admits he was talking to an empty chair when he last took Locke to see Jacob. He admits he didn't want Locke to know he'd never met or spoke with Jacob. Ben admits he was embarrased. "I lied. That's what I do." (Which is why I've been campaigning for your demise for two years now.) Ben still wants to know why he has to kill Jacob. Locke basically says, "I'm surprised you don't want to" after all that's happened. Yanked around by Alpert and Jacob. Getting cancer. Seeing your daughter murdered. Way to turn the tables, John.

Being in familiar surroundings soothes Sun, who notices Aaron's old cradle nearby. She turns it rightside up and finds Charlie's Driveshaft (DS) ring. That sets her thinking about her wedding to Jin. "We'll never be apart." Afterwards, they're greeting guests and Jacob shows up, speaking Korean. (Talented linguist, that one.) He shakes their hands, i.e. he touches them and seals their fate about coming to the island. And leaves them with this advice," Never take your love for granted."

ISLAND, 1977
Back in the Dharma van, Sayid is still bleeding but they're still five minutes away from the Swan. Hurley screeches to a stop in the middle of the road. Juliet, Sawyer and Kate are standing there looking DETERMINED to stop their shenanigans.

(Finale 2 recap coming Friday on HWTV.)