Live-blogging the 2011 Golden Globes

I'll be live-blogging the Golden Globe action tonight, beginning around 8pm. Just keep checking this link for updates.

Host Ricky Gervais has promised that after tonight, the Globes will not invite him back. How can you resist that?

If you're in to the designer clothes and Red Carpet stuff (best Red Carpet show is on E!), you might as well know I'm wearing flannel pj pants from the Gap and a Northface sweatshirt. I picked it out myself. No stylist here. I'm also taking a lot of cold medicine so if I type something inappropriate, that's my defense.

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8pm - Okay, here we go. My eyes are still burning from Helena Bonham Carter's outfit straight from the Cyndi Lapuer Fright Night Collection, but I'll do my best.

Ricky Gervais goes to the podium with a glass of beer and immediately begins a pretty hilarious account of Charlie Sheen's most recent drunken "trashed hotel room with a prostitute" night. Then a joke about the one-dimensional characters in "The Tourist" (and Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie), and about Golden Globes taking bribes. The jokes are coming so fast. My first laugh out loud moment was the "Cher in 1975" joke. Second - the air brushing of the "Sex and the City" poster. Now a very thinly veiled "Tom Cruise is Gay" joke (approved by his lawyers, he says). The audience is gasping every few seconds. The Gervais barbs are like machine gun fire! No way I can type them all here.

Oh. My. God. That Hugh Hefner joke.

Okay, I TOLD YOU PEOPLE TO WATCH THIS! So funny.

We catch our breath now as Scarlett Johanssen comes out in a granny dress to give a Golden Globe to Christian Bale for his role as a boxer-turned-crackhead in "The Fighter." He looks like Jesus.

LL Cool J ("NCIS: LA") and Julie Bowen ("Modern Family") give a Best Actress Globe to Katey Sagal ("Sons of Anarchy"). Great shot of her old "Married with Children" co-star Ed O'Neill ("Modern Family") cheering for her. Sagal doesn't get as much time to talk as Bale did. Movie bias! I'm just glad Piper Perabo ("Covert Affairs") didn't win or there'd be a riot.

The daughter of Joe Mantegna is introduced as the Golden Globe mascot. Or whatever you call it.

Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey give a Globe for Best Mini-Series or TV Movie to "Carlos."

Either my trusty Time Warner Cable digital cable feed has random dead spots, or NBC is bleeping out a lot of stuff. Including applause. (Update: Twitter confirms the annoying muted moments are also on DirecTV).

Gervais is back. No beer. He's reading a list of lesser-known films to introduce: "Ashton Kutcher's dad, Bruce Willis!" Bruce botches a barb at Gervais and then introduces his film "Red," which is nominated in the Best Comedy or Musical Motion Picture category.

I missed who these people are. Some youngsters. They give a Best Supporting Actor Globe to Chris Colfer (Curt from "Glee"). He beats out Chris Noth, Eric Stonestreet, David Strathairn. Colfer is very good, but what kind of messed up category has all those people in it????

8:30pm - Michelle Pfeiffer introduces "Alice in Wonderland" clip.

Gervais then seals the deal on never coming back to this show when he makes a joke about helping the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press "off the toilet" and "popping his teeth in." More gasps. Gervais introduces Eva Longoria (already dropped the dash-Parker). She almost slips on her dress walking across the stage, and then introduces the feeble, toothless HFP president. The humorless Phillip Burke tells Ricky Gervais that next time he needs help qualifying his movies for Globe awards, find another guy.

Kevin Bacon and Milla Jojovich give a Best Actor Globe to Steve Buscemi for his role as Nucky Thompson in HBO's "Boardwalk Empire." Tough category, but deserved. Buscemi says he's going to talk fast "before that sad music comes on" (they are playing everyone off!). I think everyone gets 7 seconds to make their speeches. Ridic. Sweet speech. Love this guy.

Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, we jump right into the Best TV Drama award. Are they trying to finish this show in an hour? The award goes to "Boardwalk Empire."

Even better, we get to see Angelina Jolie fixing Brad Pitt's tie in the audience right before the commercial. Ah, Hollywood.

8:44 - Andrew Garfield (can you believe he's the new Spiderman??? Me neither.) comes out to try to introduce "The Social Network." He flubs the teleprompter badly.

Gervais says "The Social Network" is his favorite film of the year. He notes that Zuckerberg is worth $7 billion, then adds, "Heather Mills calls him 'the one that got away.'" I love that joke. People who know what I call Heather Mills will know why.

Gervais intrudces Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez. He calls her "Jenny from the Block -- if the block in question is the one on Rodeo Drive between Cartier and Prada." Weak banter from these guys. They give an award for Best Original Song in a Movie. It goes to a song from "Burlesque" and the woman who accepts the trophy looks just like Adam Lambert. Best Original Score goes to a stunningly clean-cut Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for "The Social Network."

9pm - Justin Bieber and some little girl who is a foot taller than him (Twitter identified her as Hailee Steinfeld) give the Best Animated Feature Film award to "Toy Story 3."

A shot in the audience of Angelina snuggled up on Brad Pitt's shoulder, just like they were at home watching this on the telly. Sigh.

Ricky Gervais reads list of Robert Downey Jr films and wonders aloud if they are porn films. If you heard the titles, you'd agree. Then Gervais adds that we may know Downey better from "such facilities as The Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail." Funny 'cuz it's true.

Downey notes that even though Gervais has been "hugely mean spirited with mildly sinister undertones," the show is going well. Then Downey, who is there to give a Globe to the Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy Film, does a funny bit about each of those women, who incidentally would not sleep with him. He says he'd love to "give it" (the award) to them, and describes it in a way that's too dirty to repeat here. But it's funny. Annette Benning ("The Kids Are Alright") wins the award. She kisses her co-star Julianne Moore and then her husband Warren Beatty.

Gervais is out in his shirtsleeves to introduce Sylvester Stallone. Stallone introduces the film "The Fighter," which is nominated for six Golden Globes.

Tilda Swinton and Geoffrey Rush, easily the oddest looking couple of presenters of the night, give a Best Actor in a TV Mini-Series or Movie Globe to Al Pacino for his role in "You Don't Know Jack." That was an HBO movie about Jack Kevorkian. Pacino rambles a bit. Lots of funny jokes on Twitter about Swinton and Rush looking like aliens and/or Boris and Natasha from "Rocky & Bullwinkle."

Swinton and Rush then give the Best Actress in a TV Mini-Series or Movie Globe to Claire Danes for her role as "Temple Grandin." Excellent HBO movie. Danes thanks Temple, who waves from the audience. If you haven't seen this one yet, put it in the Netflix queue soon.

9:25 - Not even halfway through. God help me. Zach Efron (what's with the buzz cut??) is out to introduce the nominated film "The Kids are Alright."

Gervais introduces Tina Fey and Steve Carell as two of the funniest people in the business. Of course, he makes fun of Carell, who is leaving "The Office" (created by Gervais) and as Gervais puts it, "killing a cash cow for both of us!" He calls them, "the wonderful Tina Fey and the ungrateful Steve Carell!" Carell gives us some hearty fake laughter and says "Ha ha ha, that never gets old!" Their descriptions of the nominated Motion Picture Screenplay are really funny. The Globe goes to Aaron Sorkin for "The Social Network."

Next up, um... Some actors who play Thor and Captain America. They give the Best Supporting Actress in a Mini-Series or TV Movie Globe to ... Jane Lynch for "Glee." They sat Lynch waaaay in the back and she had to run (really, she ran) to the stage. Lynch says "I am nothing if not falsely humble so I'd like to share this with Ian Brennan," the writer who writes her Sue Sylvester dialogue.

Sidenote: Okay, now I feel bad for calling Diane Warren (I had missed her name!) the woman who "looks just like Adam Lambert." Just read that she dedicated her Best Song award to slain publicist Ronni Chasen.

Gervais introduces the presenters who are there to give awards for Best Foreign Language Film -- a category Gervais says "no one in America cares about!" Olivia Wilde ("House") and Robert Pattinson ("Twilight") give the Globe to "In a Better World" from Denmark.

Helen Mirren comes out to present the nominated film "The King's Speech."

Vanessa Williams (looking way better than she does on "Desperate Housewives") and Blair Underwood are out to give the Best Actress in a TV Comedy or Musical award. It goes to Laura Linney for "The Big C" on Showtime, a hi-larious show about a woman dying of cancer. Honestly, does Showtime know what "comedy" means?? And how does the Hollywood Foreign Press put these categories together?

Jane Fonda (looking amazing!) is out to introduce the nominated film "Burlesque." Fonda congratulated Diane Warren and I swear it looked like Warren got up and started making her way to the stage.

Matt Bomer ("White Collar") and Kaley Cuoco ("Big Bang Theory") present the Best Actor in a TV Series Comedy or Musical. The award goes to Jim Parsons, who plays Sheldon in "Big Bang Theory."

Jeremy Irons gives the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. His enunciation is beautiful. Can we bottle that?

The award goes -- most deservingly -- to Melissa Leo for her role in "The Fighter." A performance you have to see to believe. The thrilled Leo's reaction: "Oh my God, all that and kissed by Jeremy Irons!" Also, "Look, mom! I got a Golden Globe!" Have loved Melissa Leo since her "Homicide: Life on the Streets" days. And she's awesome on "Treme." Really happy for her. Her speech is fantastic.

10pm - Matt Damon is out to present the Cecil B. De Mille award to Robert DeNiro. Damon pretends he didn't know who DeNiro was until about five years ago. Damon lists some of DeNiro's greatest movies, but then does sample dialogue by different actors in those movies. Didn't see that coming. Very funny. DeNiro clip montage.

DeNiro gets a standing ovation. His first words are to Matt Damon: "And I loved you in 'The Fighter.'" Nice. DeNiro notes that the Hollywood Foreign Press announced he would receive the honor months ago, before they reviewed "Little Fockers." Then he makes some weird jokes about foreign people getting deported. DeNiro riffs on the film clips not shown in the montage and how few people have seen them. He tells some joke that I think gets bleeped (hard to tell with this broadcast) and the camera cuts to Hope Davis, who has a disgusted look on her face. What was that about????

Totally insane speech. Classic DeNiro.

10:15pm - Megan Fox introduces the nominated film "The Tourist." Remember? The one Gervais slammed in his intro?

Annette Bening is back to give the award for the Best Director for a Motion Picture. The winner is David Fincher for "The Social Network."

Jimmy Fallon and January Jones (hate that dress) engage in some bizarre banter before they give the award to Best TV Series Comedy or Musical. Sigh. "Glee" beats out "Modern Family." I'm sorry, but Glee's Season 2 has been spotty at best. Whatever. It's the Globes -- doesn't matter! Three million people crowd onto the stage to help accept the award.

Alicia Keys introduces the nominated film, "Black Swan."

Halle Berry, who doesn't age, is out to give the award to the Best Actor in a Movie, Comedy or Musical. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version."

I can't tell you anything he said for the first 7 or 8 seconds because NBC muted the audio. He couldn't have just opened with a stream of curse words, so this NBC audio feed is crap.

10:30pm - Joseph Gordan-Levitt intoduces the nominated film, "Inception."

There has been almost no Gervais in at least an hour. Censored? Drunk? Murdered?

Jeff Bridges gives the award for the Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama to Natalie Portman in "Black Swan." No surprise there. She says, "Jeff Bridges, I love you, thank you."

And Gervais is back. He's alive! He's reading from cards to very sincerely and earnestly  and respectfully introduce Tom Hanks -- but in a way that totally craps on Tim Allen. It was a work of art. 

Hanks and Allen give the Best Movie Comedy or Musical to "The Kids Are Alright."

10:45pm - Gervais introduces Sandra Bullock as "a national treasure" and then claims she just told him backstage that "poor people are gross and they smell bad." Nice that he poked fun at her without using her past year of personal hell to do it. Bullock doesn't acknowledge Gervais when she comes out to give the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama. The Globe goes to Colin Firth for "The King's Speech." Firth makes a nice speech about needing gentle encouragement to stay on track in his middle years, saying the award is all that's standing between him and a Harley Davidson.

10:55pm - Michael Douglas is out to give the final award and he gets a standing ovation. He looks thin, but all things considered, pretty darn great. It's fantastic to see him. He says: "There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation." He gives the award for Best Motion Picture Drama to "The Social Network." Not a big surprise there.

Gervais comes out to say goodnight and thanks everyone for "being good sports" (we'll see about that!). Gervais was brilliant. Too bad we'll likely never see him on television again.

Here's a full list of all the winners.

It's been fun but I'm taking my bad cold to bed!

Update: My "morning after" defense of Gervais is here.