How I Met Your Mother: The 3-day rule

Let's face it. Whether or not you enjoy watching "How I Met Your Mother" has nothing to do with the possibility of Bob Saget revealing in the show's voice-over some day who married Ted and became the mother of his children.

It's all about your appreciation, rather, of Barney's rambling theories on dating etiquette and their unconventional ties to the "What Would Jesus Do" philosophy. And any opportunity to heap some scorn on 30-something adults' texting habits, as the show seized Monday night, is always welcome.

Hands down, Ted is the most boring character in the show. (Sorry, Josh Radnor, but it's no contest.) But when you have Barney and Marshall scheming over how to protect the stodgy architect from himself and arguing over which of them he would most likely "get with" if they were gay, even Ted has his moments.

After Ted meets a new girl at the bar, Barney holds no hope that his lovesick pal will wait the mandatory three days to call her for a date. Why is it mandatory?

As Barney explains, it goes back to Jesus' decision to wait three days before rising from the dead. Apparently, the Son of God's resurrection also coincided with the invention of the high five, according to Barney's world view.

Marshall, Ted and Robin sit squirming in the booth as he goes through the 3-day rule, waiting for lightning to strike. (No sign of Lily at the bar or anywhere else this episode. How much maternity leave does Alyson Hannigan need?)

Ted, of course, scoffs at the need to wait three days before calling Holly, perhaps because Barney also points out that women whose names end in "ly" are always dirty.

So Barney manages to secretly replace Holly's number on Ted's cell phone with his own work cell's number. A good thing for Ted, because Ted waits all of an hour before firing off the type of text message you'd expect a 10-year-old girl to send to Zac Efron.

"I was thinking about you, so I thought I'd send you a texty-text," Ted writes, thinking his message is headed to Holly.

A text-message etiquette lesson here for Ted and the real-world adult population: Anyone over the age of 17 should no longer feel the need to sprinkle their text-messages and e-mails with "LOL," "OMG," or any emoticons that aim to portray a sideways smiley face or frowny face with a series of semicolons and other characters. They are the equivalent of dotting your 'i's with a heart or smiley face.

Just grow up already. And no, I am not 'jk'.

Anyway, a split second after Ted sends his texty-text, even he realizes how awful this message will read. He's still unaware, though, that Barney has intercepted his message.

Things must be slow at Goliath National Bank, where Barney and Marshall proceed to masquerade as Holly in a series of text responses to Ted where they convince him that guys in red cowboy boots are hot and that Holly likes nothing more than to spend her time reading old architecture magazines while wearing her high school cheerleading uniform.

At some point, though, Barney and Marshall have the inevitable "Dateline: To Catch a Predator" moment as the texting turns explicit, with descriptions of bubble baths and other flirty talk.

"I think we're about to have sex with Ted," Marshall says.

Disturbed but not deterred, Marshall and Barney turn to Stan, the doublewide security guard who inherited the late Barry White's voice, for guidance on more text messages quoting Pablo Neruda and Holly's need for Ted to hold her all night long.

Robin tires of the charade much earlier than Barney and Marshall and tells Ted he's been having a textual affair with Barney and Marshall. Ted's payback is to continue the charade, sending "Holly" a message confessing that he sometimes has gay dreams about his best friend.

This prompts an argument between Marshall and Barney over which of them Ted is fantasizing about, with both vying to be the friend with benefits. Marshall believes he has the doughy cuddliness to make him the star of Ted's gay dreams, while Barney points out that he works out seven days a week.

Ted toys with Marshall and Barney awhile before telling them that he knew they were the authors of the romantic texty-texts. Much to their dismay, he never tells them which one would be the romantic man of his dreams should machines destroy the world and leave the three of them all alone in the smoking rubble.

We are granted the treat of a montage of Barney and Marshall acting out the scenes that "Holly" supposedly described to Ted in the text messages: Barney and Marshall together in bubble bath, Barney and Marshall curled up on a couch reading architecture magazines while wearing cheerleader uniforms, Barney and Marshall cudding on a love seat under a blanket, gazing upward at the stars.

Scoffing at Barney's — and Jesus' — 3-day rule, Ted calls Holly up for what turns out to be a disastrous date. The only one who ends up happy is Robin, who lands a date with, wait for it, Stan the security guard.

So we're no closer to learning how Ted met his future children's mother, but who cares? How do I get a job at Goliath National Bank?