How I Met Your Mother recap: The fat patch

After six episodes setting up the Barney-Robin romance, Monday's night's episode of "How I Met Your Mother" quietly dissolves the relationship. The reason? Apparently these two alpha dogs bring too much awesomeness to the table, so much that they're tired of canceling out each other's awesomeness.

As far as viable reasons to break up go, that argument ranks below more vital issues such as whether the Storm Troopers in Star Wars are robots or diaper-wearing soldiers, but hey, at least we get to see Neil Patrick Harris in a fat suit.

There is nothing metaphorical about Barney and Robin's ill-fated compatibility. As they fall into a rut, Barney's relationship gut morphs into a triple-chinned addiction to buffalo wings that leads him to choose pizza over sex. And we know that the relationship is taking a toll on Robin because of the greasy hair and her even paler, haggard appearance.

Ted is the first one to notice the toll after inheriting the porn collection Barney donates to him (with Robin's encouragement). The way Bob Saget explains it in his voice-over to Future Ted's children, Ted had every intention of throwing away the vile pile of porn before a  VHS tape of "ArchiSexture" magically flew out of the trunk and landed in his combination VCR/DVD player.

Isn't that always the way it happens? By the way, there's a funny moment with Marshall and Lily sneaking off with a couple porn tapes for their own private viewing. Apparently kindergarten teachers like a lusty tale of astronauts, co-eds and pizza delivery guys getting it on as much as any other porn aficionado. Who said romance was dead?

As Ted settles in to watch — with disapproval, future Ted's kids, with disapproval — "ArchiSexture," the film is interrupted by 2005 Barney dubbing over the action. Clearly, 2005 Barney tells Ted, that if he has given up his stash of pornography, one of two things has occurred.

Either he has died, in which case, Ted is to take his corpse to the Hamptons for a "Weekend at Bernie's" party, or Barney has fallen into a serious relationship. If that's the case, 2005 Barney pleads, Ted must sabotage the relationship and save him from the debilitating effects of serial monogamy.

Watching Barney get fatter and fatter while Robin's complexion deteriorates — that's a nice zit on her chin — Lily and Marshall come around and agree to break them up for their own good.

Marshall and Ted make a mess of their initial attempt, planting an engagement ring in a glass while pimple-faced Robin and fat Barney are having dinner at the unsubtly named White Flag Diner. They expect Robin the commitment-phobe to freak out at the sight of the ring, but instead she and Barney shrug and agree it's time to get married.

Disgusted with their rookie bungling, Lily takes over, orchestrating a rehash of their four biggest fights as a couple. In a scenario too complicated to describe here, this entails getting Canadian celebrity Alan Thicke, one of Barney's psycho stalkers from a one-night stand, a busboy with a tub of dirty dishes and a failed Storm Trooper in a cheap robot costume to interrupt Barney and Robin's dinner.

[OK, one brief explanation. Alan Thicke was lured out in an attempt to prompt some Canada-bashing by Barney. Because nothing infuriates Robin more than when Barney mocks Canada's cultural icons, such as the night he compared Neil Young's singing to "an old lady with vocal cord paralysis."]

With Lily, Marshall and cheap Ted observing from across the street in a rented station wagon — Ted refused to pay the extra $24 to rent a more suitable stakeout van — the plan fizzles. However, fat Barney and haggard old lady Robin catch a glimpse of themselves in the restaurant's front window.

Horrified at what they see, they come to the conclusion that they were much better off, at least physically, before the relationship. The break-up is sealed with a kiss, and Barney is free to start hooking up with everything that moves. 

But not before he finds a tape of the disastrous variety show that Robin and Alan Thicke once starred in together. Barney's hunt for that long buried archive of bad Canadian hair-dos and cheesy 1980s pop music hopefully will pay off in a future episode. 

Otherwise, with Barney and Robin no longer taking most of the air time. I fear that we're headed back to the tale of how Ted meets his future kids' mother. And I don't think he finds her in "ArchiSexture."