How I Met Your Mother recap: Bagpipes etiquette

Faithful viewers of "How I Met Your Mother" know that Barney Stinson loves the word "awesome" and everything it represents. Neil Patrick Harris' suave man about town craves nothing more than to be awesome at whatever he pursues, whether it's laser tag, suiting up for a one-night stand or whatever the heck he does for Goliath National Bank in his corner office.

So it's no surprise that he thinks he's awesome now at relationships, boasting that he and Robin have supplanted Marshall and Lily as the best couple. This leads to the introduction of another indispensable term in the How I Met Your Mother glossary: New Relationship Smugness.

Credit Ted with coming up with the term to describe the way Barney insists on flaunting his and Robin's bliss, or whatever word you want to use to describe a new couple who've "done it" in 83.5 beds, counting the 19th-century ottoman in that antique shop. Ted has had a lot of chaste time to stew over couples flaunting their love, thanks to the new neighbors upstairs who are constantly having sex.

Or, in How I Met Your Mother terms, "playing the bagpipes."

It's gotten so bad in Ted and Robin's apartment, what with all the tantric bagpiping going on upstairs, that the glass of water in Robin's room is vibrating like that scene in Jurassic Park.

"She keeps yelling at him to bagpipe her harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard," Robin complains about the new neighbors, who turn out to be an elderly couple no one wants to visualize bagpiping.

So Ted's in no mood to hear Barney gloat about how he and Robin are so much in sync and so much the better couple than Marshall and Lily. Thus, his diagnosis of the New Relationship Smugness afflicting Barney, which causes Barney to believe every other couple pales in comparison to him and Robin.

At first, Marshall is amused by Barney's honeymooner's bravado, offering him a condescending smile and a reminder that Marshall's been the relationship king so long, he was in a relationship "back when you still had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews Band songs on your mom's Casio." (That sounds like a looong time ago.)

But Barney manages to insert a kernel of doubt in Marshall after witnessing how easily he bends to Lily's request that he immediately wash his plate in the sink. Barney naturally jumps to the conclusion that they're headed toward divorce and can't understand why Marshall doesn't tell Lily to wash the plate herself.

Just like that, Marshall is taking relationship advice from Barney, the same guy whose strategy for avoiding fights with Robin is to walk out of the room without a word whenever she questions him about a bunch of panties stored in a box marked "April 2008" or the spy camera installed in his headboard.

The way Barney tells it, he should offer Lily a seat on his lap and tell her that if the dirty dish in the sink bothers her so much, she should clean it herself. This leads to the fantasy scene of an aroused Lily offering Barney a strip tease after he tells her that instead of cleaning the dishes he'd rather save whatever energy he has left after a long day at work to shower her with some love (Or bagpiping. Not sure how much love we're talking about).

That strategy has never worked in my house, and it doesn't work for Marshall, who inexplicably boils Barney's smooth talk to, "I make more money than you," and "dance for me."

After a long drawn-out fight that touches on everything from Marshall's refusal to turn on the light or look where he's aiming during his middle-of-the-night bathroom breaks to Lily's creepy, crooked finger impression of The Shining, Marshall ends up requesting couch space at Ted's apartment.

This would be the time for Marshall to stop listening to Barney's advice, but Barney is still bragging that he and Robin are setting a new gold standard for relationships with all the fights they never have. Ted urges Marshall not to listen anymore to Barney, whose way leads only deeper into "a quagmire with no exit strategy."

Ted's quagmire comment is either How I Met Your Mother's first foray into political commentary on the U.S. foreign policy in Afghanistan or a cogent deconstruction of that awful "Battlefield" song by Jordin Sparks. (Seriously, kids, if you want someone to explain the battlefield of love metaphorically, turn to Pat Benatar and not some American Idol-bot.)

Lily keeps up a chilly front in her cold war on Marshall until Ted reveals — with the help of Barney's neighbor — that Barney and Robin fight. All the time. Sheepishly, Barney and Robin head to Marshall and Lily's apartment to confess and seek advice on their imperfect relationship. 

Lily blah-blahs something about setting your ego aside and valuing your love for your partner over winning an argument. Barney and Robin choose instead to do it in the elevator, and Marshall and Lily get to revel in their regained status as the perfect, happy couple.

It's enough to make you wonder if poor Ted is ever going to get to play the bagpipes again.