Dancing with the Stars: Word from my mother

None of the correspondents here at Happiness follow Dancing with the Stars, but my mother is devoted. So after each show, I will interview her and post her reaction. On the weekends, after Lorenzo's daughter does all her homework and earns some TV time, we may see a rebuttal from her ...

Last week my mother declared that Cloris Leachman's fans were going to kill her on live television, but she's softening on that opinion a bit. Now it's down to eight Stars and tonight they introduced four new dances: the Salsa, the Jitterbug, the Hustle, and West Coast Swing. For the most part, the pros have never mastered these dances.

On Lance Bass and Lacey (West Coast Swing): "Lacey is a West Coast Swing champion, so that was a little bit unfair. She just got out there and out-danced her partner so badly that the judges were turned off by it. Lance Bass didn't do much of anything."

On Toni Braxton and Alec (West Coast Swing): "I was not impressed. It was not good at all."

On Susan Lucci and Tony (Hustle): "Her foot is fractured so I'll give her a little bit for that. But she acts like she's counting steps, there's no emotion at all. She has learned her steps and she's doing them, but that's it. It's painful to watch."

On Warren Sapp & Kym (Hustle): "Warren had a few good steps, but ... none of them up to this point seem to be in-step with the music. They were dancing but they were not in time with the music. I was nervous for them."

On Cloris Leachman and Corky (Salsa): "Corky told Cloris that she had to act like a 'skanny ho' [translation: 'skanky ho'], and she wasn't bad for an 82-year-old woman. But he kept twirling her around and around and I thought, my God she's going to fall down if he doesn't quit because she'll be so dizzy! She did pretty good. If it had been me, I'd have been laying on the floor."

On Maurice Green and Cheryl (Salsa): "Cheryl had never done this dance professionally, so she was frustrated and a little bit ugly to Maurice in rehearsal, and told him he was lazy and wasn't trying. Then they got out there and they were pretty good and got a good score."

On Brooke Burke and Derek (Jitterbug - aka "the highlight of the whole night"): "Neither of them had jitterbugged, so Derek went online for instructions. He and Brooke always do well and they had the highest score, 29 out of 30."

On Cody Linley and Julianne (Jitterbug): "Julianne is the one who won with race car driver and the skater. She's won twice. She's the one who has turned into the country singer. Her partner is Cody, this young guy on Hannah Montana. She looked just exactly like Lucille Ball, and they were SO good! You just had to sit and laugh, they were so good and funny. I wish you could have seen them! And their costumes were really cute. They got a 28."

So who should go home? "Well. [Sigh.] I would say... Well Cloris needs to go home. Cloris should go home, but she probably won't. She's the worst dancer with the worst score, but in my opinion I think Susan Lucci ought to go home. She's as sweet as she can be and she really tries but she has no emotion in her dancing."

"Cloris is getting better instead of worse. I would have thought she'd have died before now, but she's getting better and not as stupid-acting, and evidently she has a following. And she's entertaining. 82-years-old -- that's got to count for something. I'm [edited-out-years-old] and I could not get out there and do what she does. She deserved to stay last week just for being able to raise her leg as high as she did."

So you no longer think she is going to die on live TV? "Well, they didn't have to have a chair for her to sit in this week after she danced, and last week they did. She's getting to be in pretty good shape. All this dancing is helping her."

Later when I told her my 17-year-old cat was acting sluggish, she suggested the cat take up dancing...