(First off, sorry for the spoilers. But because Clay Aiken lives here, we've been following this every week and if the outcome of "Celebrity Apprentice" was that important to you, you'd have watched it live!)
Sigh. I call foul. Foul!!
But it's Donald Trump's world, we just live in it, right? He can pick whoever he wants for his stupid show...
Okay, here's the stupid recap.
Tonight's "Celebrity Apprentice" opened with host Donald Trump catching a ride to the live show with racing legend Mario Andretti. The ride in the Indy car blew Trump's hair back up off his forehead and I was surprised to see that he had an actual human-looking head.
But we tuned in to see Clay Aiken host a killer charity event and compete for a title, not analyze the mess on Trump's head. So let's go...
The show started with a brief recap of the season and last week's episode, which set up the big charity challenge.
The first thing we learned is that Adam Carolla didn't screw up Arsenio Hall's Magic Johnson PSA as badly as we originally thought.
And we also went right back into The Great Mural Fight of 2012 on Team Clay.
Debbie Gibson was still worked up about Clay wanting to see a sketch of her cousin's planned mural for the wall before she started painting. WHICH IS TOTALLY REASONABLE.
"At the end of the day, the ax can only fall on my neck," Clay said.
Finally the cousin sent some photos of previous work and Clay was satisfied. I'm not sure why this couldn't happen earlier and without all the fighting and drama.
And of course, at the end, the mural was taking way too long even with Debbie's cousin's big group of helpers, so all the celebrities on Clay's team had to grab a brush and pitch in. Penn Gillette's magic partner Teller even got involved.
There was also more friction with Clay's other teammate, Aubrey O'Day. Aubrey felt Clay was micro-managing a task he had given her. Aubrey said that Clay likes to remind them that it's "his show," but she added that without her, he'd have no show.
Aubrey hasn't changed.
CAST REUNION STUFF
Speaking of not changing, Lou Ferrigno was at the live finale show giving 110 percent (and the "Ferrigno percent" montage was beautiful). Lou just had surgery and says he can now hear without hearing aids for the first time in his life. Really awesome.
Hate Flash: Dayana Mendoza still hates Lisa Lampanelli's guts. Victoria Gotti still hates Lisa Lampanelli and Aubrey O'Day.
Patricia Velasquez hated that she raised a bunch of money for her charity and then lost her challenge so the other team got it all. Too bad.
Tia Carrere hated that some of the women were all haters and said that's why there were men in the finale.
But George Takei had no hate. He said donations for his charity poured in after he got fired from the show, and for that, he was grateful.
BACK TO THE CHALLENGE
Before their shows, Arsenio and Clay went outside to check out the crowds and most of those in line were Claymates.
"There are Claymates everywhere," Arsenio said. "Chicks with 'Clay' shirts on and 'Clay' tattoos on their arms and I look over and see like six people in line for me."
Arsenio complained that all his people were on "CP Time" so they'd be late.
Clay had a fan in line with a $20,000 check (bundled contributions from a bunch of other Clay fans) and she was the first person through the door.
"Claymates are amazing," Team Clay member Dee Snider said.
Orel Hersheiser was a guest at Clay's event, also with a $20,000 check.
Arsenio had checks rolling in from Jay Leno, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Jimmy Kimmel, and tons of other comedians. Whoopi Goldberg even showed up to be Arsenio's date.
Lisa Lampanelli hired a Lisa Lampanelli drag queen to take her $10,000 contribution to Clay -- even though she's on Arsenio's team.
Trump, along with Donald Jr and Ivanka, was at Clay's event first. Aubrey tried to horn in on showing Trump around, but Clay was hip to that and stepped back in. Then Trump went to Arsenio's party and pretended that he loves Whoopi. (Maybe he does, I don't know. But I'm skeptical.)
Finally, the two adjacent parties got to mingle...
CAST REUNION STUFF
Back at the live reunion, Aubrey (back with her blonde hair) defended her competitive spirit and apologized for some of her behavior. The Lisa Lampanelli Bleep Reel was almost as good as the Lou Ferrigno Percent Reel and the short (but awesome) Lisa Lampanelli Crying Reel, complete with Dayana's impression of one of her crying jags.
Trump asked Penn Jillette if he was surprised Clay picked him for his final team, considering their differences.
"Although I don't think our personalities meshed enough that we can move in together, I think he appreciated that I tried to do my best," Penn told Trump.
Trump then asked Penn who should win and he said Clay. "He worked wicked hard."
BACK TO THE CHARITY EVENT...
First we got to see part of Arsenio's comedy show, which included some roasting of Trump, Clay, and others. The Clay joke was pretty risque, so I'll let you search for the clips online.
Clay's musical show had Debbie Gibson and Dee Snider singing "Baby Love" Aubrey O'Day singing "I Will Survive" while Penn Jillette danced around her. Then Penn & Teller did their classic "ball and cup" routine.
Finally, Clay sang "I've Had the Time of my Life" (from "Dirty Dancing") with Aubrey, Debbie and Dee joining in. Aubrey even kissed Clay (on the lips!) during the song.
"I think I've been underestimated a lot in my life," Clay said in aside to the camera. "But I will prove people wrong and show them that I've got a lot more to me than just singing. I think I'm going to win. I will be the Celebrity Apprentice."
Right before the next commercial, Arsenio and Clay were shown live backstage at the finale, and Clay teased Arsenio about Aubrey not liking him. Arsenio said he wasn't worried about it, and then, "By the way, how was it kissing a woman on the mouth?" Clay cracked up.
IN THE BOARDROOM...
Trump had everyone in the boardroom one last time, and asked Arsenio how he felt about Lisa Lampanelli giving Clay $10,000. Arsenio said it was unorthodox for the game, but it showed her character. Adam Carolla teased her for her "Claytribution" but ultimately praised her for being a good person.
The boardroom gave Aubrey one last chance to take some jabs at Arsenio. Those crazy kids should just get a room already!
Trump pointed out that the amount of money raised is not the sole criteria for determining the winner -- which ultimately means Trump gets to pick whoever he wants.
Arsenio raised $167,100 for the Magic Johnson Foundation.
Clay raised $301,500 for the National Inclusion Project. WOW!
THE LIVE CONCLUSION
Back to the live show, where Clay got to sing "Lean on Me" with Arsenio and a choir.
Then Trump asked Clay why he should choose him as the winner, and Clay said he came to the show with low expectations but raised the bar for himself during the process. He also alluded to his previous second-place television finish.
"If nothing else," Clay said, "my mother's here and she sat through me losing one time before, and I really don't want her to sit through it again."
Trump finally got around to naming the winner. "I've never been so torn. This is a very very tough decision. You're both amazing people. There is no loser tonight."
That's when The Donald dropped The Bombshell. He picked Arsenio over Clay, which is actually something I called from my living room last Sunday -- sometime after "Face the Nation" ended on CBS.
But it's just a theory. I could be wrong...