News & Observer | newsobserver.com | 2008 NCAA Men's Bracket

Last week, in Kazakhstan, I decided that the team I'm rooting for is Toni & Dallas, the mom and son team. Toni seems like a good mom who raised a good boy. That alone is worth a million dollars.

This week, the teams' first stop was Moscow. They were to head to a monastery and light a candle to get their clue. One of the frat boys' knucklehead moves haunts them as they depart. During last week's cow costume detour, they decided it was a good idea to leave their shoes behind. So as they head to the airport they are basically in house shoes they got at the hotel pit stop.

But what do ya know, there's an all-night shoe store at the airport. They buy shoes but it's a risk. They don't have much money for this leg of th race. And Moscow is pricey.

From the monastery the teams are to take a taxi to the outskirts of Moscow and head for a decommissioned military base. At this point, the four teams are in tiers: Toni & Dallas vs. Nick & Starr, the brother and sister; and Tina & Ken, the separated couple vs. frat boys Andrew & Dan. Although Tina & Ken are far more competent than Andrew & Dan.

Yet all it takes is a little language problem to change the dynamic. Nick & Starr who have seemed invincible during the race, get the taxi driver who doesn't know where he's going and they don't speak Russian and he doesn't speak English.
Dallas & Toni get to the base and the detour first: Boots & Borscht.
Both require the team to be in full Russian military gear. In Boots, the teams must join a training squad, learn a march, then fall in line with a military squad and do the parade march for a full lad. Borscht requires them to find the mess hall and serve 75 soldiers borscht.

The soup thing sounds really easy, but everybody goes to Boots. Dallas & Toni handle the detour easily. And then, there are the frat boys. Andrew was in marching band, so he's feeling confident. But there's this foot wrap that must go on before the boot does, and even though a Russian soldier demonstrates step by step how to the wrap works, Dan can't do it. Again and again.

While they struggle with this, Ken & Tina pass them.

The frat boys decide to do Borscht instead. It's not until they've got ladles in hand that they realize that they have to wear the uniforms they've taken off to do Borscht as well. At least they're not unaware of their repeated goofs: "They should make a compilation of all our mistakes. It would be long. Braveheart."

So the delayed Nick & Starr pass them.

And then it gets worse. Dan tries to march. Think Elaine dancing in that Seinfeld episode. Which was funny, but remember Julia Louis-Dreyfus was acting. This, my friends, was real. Dan first explains his spasmodic moves by saying the march was "music and art based" and he is "sports and TV based." This must mean that his gift is in sitting in a chair and watching sports, because he can't possibly play a sport with this lack of body control. Yet, as I watch him move, it's hard to imagine that he's coordinated enough to both push the button on the remote and point it.

Then -- wait for it -- he goes for the stereotype. He's a Jewish white kid, so of course he has no rhythm! This would go over better if all those Russian white guys weren't standing behind him laughing hysterically. And if Andrew was convulsing too. And also, Dan, Neil Diamond ROCKS.

The next clue takes the teams to a road block. It's a killer: one person must unload 50, 50-pound bags of flour off a truck and lay them horizontally on the floor of a Russian bakery.
Toni & Dallas arrive first and naturally, Dallas does the lifting. This makes perfect sense, but it reminds me that there used to be a rule about not having one player doing all of the roadblocks. I haven't been counting but Dallas seems to do most of the stuff on this team.

The woman in the bakery is a hoot. She's a barrel-chested bossy baba who barks at Dallas to place the bags neatly.

Meanwhile, the frat boys give up on the marching and go back to the borscht. As it turns out, white Jewish boys are excellent at serving soup and they sail through the task.
Back at the bakery, Dallas finishes and he and Toni head to the pit stop. They're first.

Nick & Starr have not been handling being imperfect well; indeed Starr is freaking out. They finally arrive at the bakery and the bakery lady takes one look at skinny Nicky cheerleader, laughs and proclaims, "He's not fit!"

Of course, Nick may not need to be fit. The frat boys are behind them and well, they usually mess themselves up. As it turns out, white Jewish boys are also good at lifting flour bags. Says Dan," I'm good at simple Neanderthal caveman tasks."

Dan's speedy lifting gives he and Andrew a fighting chance to get the super siblings. But the shoe expenditure comes back to haunt them. They get in a cab and don't have enough to pay the driver once they arrive at the pit stop. Dan offers him his new shoes. "Nyet!" Then he gives the guy the rest of their money.

So, the frat boys come in last. But it's a non-elimination round. Which means next week they'll have a task only they have to do. Hopefully it will play to Dan's particular strengths. Grunting, maybe?