The Feb. 22 photo on The N&O's local section front of a water-skiing squirrel (the critter was entertaining patrons at a big boat show at the State Fairgrounds) elicited a letter from a Chapel Hill reader complaining that this was an example of animal abuse. We ran the letter March 1. Well, that inspired Randy Wilson of Raleigh to craft a response that tickled some funny bones here in the Opinion Shop. So even though one of my colleagues — that would be the publisher — allowed as how he thought Wilson must have too much time on his hands, we figured we'd share his little essay here on the blog. (What's next — a light-hearted defense of the Wake school board?)
*********************************************************************
Just wanted to write and tell you that I soooo look forward to reading the comics AND letters from anybody in Chapel Hill. On many occasions they’re equally amusing. The March 1 letter "Abused squirrels" may be proof that quite possibly the writer’s “cheese has slipped off her cracker.” Squirrel abuse? Now, we’re talking about the water-skiing squirrel at the boat show, right? In your photo he looked pretty happy to me.
I read about that squirrel and immediately wanted his trainer’s address so he could come over to my house and capture some of the 317 or so squirrels I have on my deck trying to get into my finch feeders. Then he could train them to form one of those awesome water-skiing pyramids I’ve seen at Cypress Gardens in Florida. Picture that! And for the ultimate effect you could train a squirrel to drive the boat.
But squirrel abuse? Come on. If you think about it, this squirrel is living the Life of Riley. He exercises almost every day, he’s being cuddled and petted by wonderful children and getting three squares a day while traveling around the country in an RV that would rival Willy Nelson’s. The only abuse I could see was that he was going to have to perform in Fargo, N.D. Think about it, life is good. He’s got his own Web site, for goodness sakes!
The writer mentions “… doing tricks totally alien to their natures.” Have you seen my brother water ski? Water-skiing is alien to anybody’s nature! Anyway, how does she know that squirrels that live by the lake aren’t thinking, “Gee, that looks like fun -- I’d like to try that”; especially if you think about the alternative. Let’s ask a squirrel: “Would you rather be water-skiing or left in the road, run over continuously until your kinfolk can’t recognize you?” How about being screamed at -- "Get your a** off that feeder!" -- while dodging some tree branch or being shot at by an Official Daisy Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Shot BB gun. (It doesn’t hurt, it just scares them away.)
Or how about the cute, sweet little squirrel my son and I were watching nibble away at an acorn the other day (enjoying them in their natural habitat) when bam! -- a red-tailed hawk swoops down and flies off with the squirrel clutched in his talons, screaming at the top of its lungs!
My son was traumatized for days. “Daddy, why did that hawk grab that squirrel?” “They’re probably good friends, son.” “Then why was the squirrel screaming so loud, Daddy?” “Well, he’s probably afraid of heights, bud.” “What if the hawk drops him, Daddy?" “He won’t drop him, son, he’s having him for dinner.” (Whoops!) “Whatttt?”
The only way I could get him to stop crying was take him to the Fairgrounds and watch the water-skiing squirrel. “Look, son, I told you they were buddies. The hawk must’ve been bringing him to the Fairgrounds for his next act.” (Hey, you do whatcha gotta do, right?) “Now listen, buddy, you stay here. Watching him water ski just gave Daddy a sudden urge to buy an expensive boat.” (I guess water-skiing squirrel marketing does work.)
What I’m waiting for is for somebody to train those squirrels to write, so they can pen letters to their local newspapers complaining about people in Chapel Hill throwing sticks and shooting at them with B.B. guns. Not too many of them make it to the big time, so just leave them alone. They’re doing just fine, thank you.
Randy Wilson
Raleigh
