Top Chef: Washington, DC (9pm, Bravo) - In support of First Lady Michele Obama's national initiative to end childhood obesity, the chefs make healthy food for kids at a Washington middle school. The guest judge is White House chef Sam Kass.

The Fabulous Beekman Boys (9pm, Planet Green) - Josh's plans to celebrate his 40th birthday at the farm are trumped by Brent's agreement to host a wedding at The Beekman. Expect whining from Josh.

Jimmy Kimmel Live's Twilight Saga: Total Eclipse of the Heart (10pm, ABC) - Kimmel has the cast of the latest "Twilight" movie: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Dakota Fanning, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Xavier Samuel.

In Plain Sight (10pm, USA) - Mary keeps an eye on a teen witness while her separating parents bicker and ignore her. Also, Marshall thinks a witness may have betrayed his brother, and Brandi tends to her sketchy brother Scott after he's attacked.

Work of Art: The Next Great Artist (10pm, Bravo) - Art meets lit when the competing artists have to create cover art for books. Guest judge is author Jonathan Santlofer.

Hot in Cleveland (10pm, TV Land) - Joy (Jane Leeves) has a fling with a younger man that dredges up a secret from her past, and Melanie (Valerie Bertinelli) coaxes Elka (Betty White) to dive back into the dating world, helping her decide between a bevy of men.

See, this is why you can't totally quit SNL. Just when you think the show is beyond lame and that a guest host like Taylor Swift is sure to be weak and boring, it surprises you with goodness.

Not greatness, but solid goodness.

There were many solidly good moments in last night's show, starting with Swift's hilarious "Monologue Song," in which she took some jabs at Joe Jonas and also addressed her current boyfriend Taylor Lautner (the werewolf in "Twilight") and of course, Kanye West. And speaking of "Twilight," the digital short spoof on that movie ("Firelight") which subbed Frankenstein monsters for vampires, was dead-on. I also loved Swift in the PSA about dangerous things parents do while driving. Even the very last skit, an infomercial for an album called "Bunny Business," had funny impressions of Natalie Merchant, Shakira, Adam Duritz, and Jennifer Hudson.

Click below to watch Taylor Swift sing her "Monologue Song."

There's lots of pretty faces on the new, tonight at 8, "Vampire Diaries", (it's the CW, after all) but it's the name behind the show that matters most.

That name is Kevin Williamson, the show's co-creator and one of its main writers, who is from Oriental (near New Bern), the son of a fisherman.

As of last Wednesday, I am officially 33 years old. (Please hold the applause.) And man, do I feel old!

Yeah, some of you are saying, "Oh Craig, you're still young!" I just spoke at a college function with a bunch of teenage, mostly female, aspiring journalists — and all they could talk about was "Harry Potter" and "Twilight." Every time I name-checked some old movie, they looked at me like the RCA Victor dog. To all these Robert Pattinson-loving kids, I'm a geezer! I might as well have my own condo up in Boca! Thank you for being a friend, dang it!

For this edition of the Condition, I needed to talk to someone who understood my pain. Fortunately, another friend of mine just celebrated his 34th birthday on Saturday. His name is Jason Shawhan, a Nashville-based film critic for these publications, a blogger, an employee at this awesome movie theater and a man of many aliases. (He'll always be Jean Genet Ramsey to me.)

We basically talk about our current lives as aging, desperate film critics, bad movies we clean the house to and moviegoing birthday memories. We also talk a bit too much about Prince — most specifically, stuff involving bootlegs (one of us may get a call from Prince's lawyers soon), the whereabouts of Prince's female associates(especially that one who purified herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka) and why he won't get a hip replacement. It's another one of those installments where movies kinda take a backseat to, well, everything else.

I hope you enjoy me kvetching for thirty minutes or so. As Jason says, "It's just a rich tapestry of sad." You can also download it here.

FRIDAY: The Man Who Viewed Too Much finally comes out of the shadows and makes an appearance on the Condition.