Let's not bury the good news: I didn't waste 12 weeks of viewing and more than 30 hours of recapping!

But let's start at the beginning: there's a review of the four remaining teams with little bios. Bates & Anthony are described as having positive attitudes. They've been on a roller coaster, Phil says, and of course, there is talk of their relationship with the Blondes.

The Newlyweds leave first for Belfast. There they'll get into a Ford Fiesta and drive to a park. Bates & Anthony leave second; they'd like to see the Derby Moms get eliminated from the final four because they are tough. The feeling is mutual; the Derby Moms say they don't understand why the Newlyweds and the Blondes would work to help Bates & Anthony because they're such a strong team. I gotta say, the Derby Moms make a lot of sense. Bates & Anthony do seem to have special super powers of niceness that blind everyone to the fact that they are the most athletic team and they are no dummies either.

At any rate, the teams meet up on the ferry to Scotland and arrive to Belfast all at once. The teams run for their Fiestas and there's a directional divide. Bates & Anthony follow the Newlyweds; the Blondes and the Derby Moms go the other way. Bates & Anthony have been directionally challenged through the entire Race, but they know how to follow real good. They've made the right choice to follow the Newlyweds (after all, Mrs. Newlywed has a PhD), and they're in the mix with the second strongest team.

The next task involves one team member doing a cannonball into a muddy bog and swimming laps in a snorkel in under four minutes. Anthony does the task but Bates has the pleasure of helping to squeeze Anthony's 'junk' into a wet suit. Anthony says it's hard to breath in the mud, but nonetheless manages to do it in just over two minutes.

Next, Bates & Anthony have to find the 'Thing With a Ring," which turns out to be a statue. They get stuck in traffic which puts the Newlyweds and the Derby Moms ahead.

Awaiting them is a Detour. Tray It involves serving five courses to first-class passengers on the Titanic (the setting is the place where the Titanic was built); the food must be served in the correct order. When all courses are served, teams will get the next clue.

Spray It involves finishing one side of a piece of graffiti art by using a picture of the other half.

Spray It sounds fairly easy to me but Bates & Anthony choose Tray It. The Newlyweds start it first and figure out what will become the major hurdle: there's a menu list and there's a chart with seat assignments. Follow the menu list; the seat assignments are secondary and tell you, when there are menu options which items the person chose. If you follow the seating chart, you'll get it wrong.

But first Bates & Anthony have to figure out what consomme looks like. (The Derby Moms had to figure out how to pronounce it.)

Bates is doing the serving and Anthony is doing the plating. The serving involves not just carrying the tray, but carrying the tray about 100 yards back and forth and running up a bunch of stars. It's exhausting.

At first, Anthony makes the seating chart error, but he fairly quickly figures it out. Then Anthony drops the second course. Bates is not happy. By the time they get to the fifth course, it seems things are going well. It's dessert, after all. But Anthony can't get the dessert course right. The menu item is unfamiliar but it has the word 'chartreuse' in it. And Anthony thinks 'chartreuse' is red. It's not. It's yellowish or green.

It gets heated; Bates gets really mad and Anthony gets kind of scared. Anthony predicts Bates will kill him if he gets it wrong again; he gets it wrong again and Bates threatens to kill him. Bates calls Anthony the worse partner ever. It feels very big brother/little brother; like Bates used to beat up Anthony when they were kids. On the other hand, it's kind of interesting to see Bates lose it.

Even with the chartreuse debacle, Bates & Anthony are right behind the Newlyweds. It's pretty much a foot race to the pit stop. The Newlyweds win by a few seconds and get a trip to the Dominican Republic. Mr Newlywed talks stuff too: he says the Newlyweds won't be intimidated by some old athletes.

It's so cool that they'll soon eat those words with a side of chartreuse.

Sadly, though Bates & Anthony's friends, the Blondes are bested by the Derby Moms. After they were bested by the fact that one of the Blondes can't swim and had a freak out at the muddy bog.

Still, they leave graciously because they've seen that people are good all over the world.

It's down to the final 3. Bates says he doesn't want to relive the feeling of losing in a final like he did when he didn't win the Stanley Cup. Not winning, he says, is not an option.

The 12th leg has the Newlyweds leaving first, heading to Liverpool, then off to London to have a beer and get the clue for their final destination. Bates & Anthony say they feel freakin' awesome and Bates likes their chances of finding a bar because that plays to their strength. Yes, you can consider that a Lucky B's plug. Anthony correctly predicts that the Blondes are toast and the Derby Moms are in it.

Bates, in another show of his dark side, wishes a rough leg on the Newlyweds, like he and Anthony had after winning three legs in a row.

They're off to Washington, D.C. where Bates lived for a little while. The first clue sends them to the Lincoln Memorial and the spot where Martin Luther King Jr. gave his "I Have a Dream" speech. Bates breaks out the dictionary and calls the speech 'iconic.'

From there, the teams are sent to 1100 Pennsylvania Avenue where they're told they'll take a picture with President Obama. Now, just think about that. The president of the United States who gets criticized when he takes a vacation is going to make time to take a picture with the contestants on a reality competition show.

As ridiculous as that sounds when you say it out loud, all the teams actually think the POTUS, the Leader of the Free World, is going to take a picture with them. Mr. Newlywed, a staunch Republican, even gets kind of excited, although when he discovers that it's just a green screen picture he tries to pretend that he's relieved. Bates took his scruffy hat off and everything. (Although I think the President would have said, "Please, put your hat back on." That hair. Ugh.)

The roadblock is a throwback. The teams have to say a code phrase to the right secret agent among 50 agents to get a case that opens with the combination that matches the order of their arrival in New Zealand, Indonesia and Vietnam. Bates takes the job and beats Mr. Newlywed, who started the task first. And he's written down the order of his finishes.

That sends Bates & Anthony to National Stadium where they must complete Play Ball, a task that involves one team member being suspended from a zip line. The flying team member has to toss a ball to the teammate below dressed in mascot garb (well, as a giant inflated baseball); the teammate must catch it. Anthony flies, Bates catches. Anthony feels confident because he and Bates played baseball as kids. Bates points out they didn't play baseball dressed as a giant baseball. That makes catching the ball like trying to catch with one eye closed. Still, Bates catches it on the second attempt.

That sends them to Go Global, which sends Anthony in a giant bin of blow up globes, some marked with the 10 countries they visited. Anthony has to toss the globes to Bates, Bates has to put them in the right order in which they visited and then the clue will be revealed. It's a bit of a Chuck E. Cheese nightmare, but with patience, Anthony succeeds. Anthony reveals that they would look at the maps on the plane rides to identify the countries; Bates admits he wouldn't have been able to identify the countries before the Race.

But they do find them, and that means they can head to George Washington's Mount Vernon, the finish line. On the way, Bates says he's so nervous the rest of his hair might fall out or turn gray. (Fall out! Fall out!) Anthony says win or lose, he wouldn't have wanted to do the Race with anyone else.

But of course, it's win, not lose. In Lucky B's shirts no less. Anthony head butts his brother in a display of joy. Phil brings up his false teeth, and Anthony says now he can buy new dentures. Bates says he hasn't felt like this in a long time; hockey hasn't given him that sense of triumph lately. The Race, they say, is really amazing. And the Blondes pledge to be friends for life.

All that's left to say is: Hey man, can I get a loan?

BEWARE!! SPOILERS BELOW!!

It's Leg 3 and we're at the Pit stop and Quivering Lip Father & his Son have a decision to make. Will they go on despite Quivering Lip Father's bad leg?

There's barely a breath before they decide to stick it out. I mean, all they have to do is come in first and everything is fine. No problem.

Bates & Anthony reach the non-pit stop third. Next stop: Bali.

Bates & Anthony head to the airport instead of stopping at a travel agency to book a flight to Bali. This puts them behind. They end up with a flight that arrives at 12:05 instead of 8:30 a.m. The good news is four other teams get that flight too.

The bad news is, on a layover, two of those four team get a flight that will get them to Bali at 10. So Bates & Anthony are suddenly on the road to last place.

Retrieving the first clue involves getting a monkey to crack a coconut that contains the clue. During the course of this, we learn that one of the Blondes had a flying monkey who died of loneliness because he lived in her bra. We're not sure if this is a crack on her boobs or the lack thereof, but the Blonde telling the story assures us it's a 'true fact,' rather than one of those pesky false facts.

Detour: Sandy Bottom involves collecting sand at the bottom of a body of water and then transporting it 200 yards to a brick maker. The sand must reach a line in the collection basket to get the clue. Fruity Top involves building a religious offering made of fruit, accompanying it through a procession, and then getting it blessed by a priest to get the clue.

Bates & Anthony finally arrive in Bali. They are hopeful, they proclaim their driver 'super!' (even better, 'supa!'). This is one of the first foreshadows of the night because it turns out their super driver has no idea where he's going. They will be last to get to the monkey. Bates puts down the coconut for the monkey and the monkey promptly runs away. When they finally get the clue, they hope to do Sandy Bottom but their super cabbie only knows the way to Fruity Top. Fruity Top it is.

The next foreshadow happens with the Dating Couple. Mr. Dating Couple talks about how detail-oriented he and his gal are. Naturally, when they go for the Fruity Top detour, they end up at the wrong address, building a shrine for some guy in his backyard.

The front runners have built their fruity shrines and the next clue sends them to find a surfboard with an image of 'something they've encountered on the Race.' That something is an image of the Tahitian priest who blessed them at the last pit stop. If you pick the wrong surf board, you have to go back. It's not an easy return; there are lots of steps, twists and turns and it's hot.

But even hopping with a boot, Quivering Lip Father & Son come in first. Son is actually in second place, after the Asian Girls, but the Asian Girl can't find the pit stop. She walks by Son and he sees which surfboard she has and just copies her, then beats her to the pit stop. Quivering Lip Father & Son get $5000 each. Father's lip doesn't quiver, but he does get teary.

Bates & Anthony are at Fruity Top, along with, among others, the Dating Couple. The Dating Couple use their detail-oriented ability to completely botch the shrine, albeit in a very specific way. Remember they have the Express Pass; Ms. Dating Couple wants to use it. But Mr. Dating Couple thinks they just need to slow down and take a breath and all will be OK. "I'm not thinking about the Express Pass," he declares. He's not kidding. They decide to switch to the Sandy Bottom detour, although that works against their expertise in details.

Bates & Anthony build their shrine and head to the surfboards. Bates has the right surfboard in his hand, but dismisses it. Eventually, he goes back to it, but runs past the steps that lead to Phil. Up and down and down and up he goes. Eventually, right board in hand, Bates & Anthony come in 7th place.

We learn that this extended leg has been a four-day odyssey, which explains why folks start breaking down. When the Blondes can't get the right surfboard, one sits down and has a cry, despite the edit that shows the Roller Derby Moms saying there's no crying on the Race. (They're talking to you Quivering Lip Father!)

But the biggest breakdown happens to the Dating Couple. On the way to the Sandy Bottom, they decide that if they see the Roller Derby Moms, they'll decide how far back they are and whether they should use their Express Pass. But the Roller Derby Moms are gone when they get to Sandy Bottom, so they can't make an assessment.

They finish and arrive at the surfboard area. It's between the Dating Couple and the Mullet & Wynona. The Mullet gets the board and that leaves the Dating Couple last. Although they know they are behind, Mr. Dating Couple still doesn't want to use the Express Pass. "I want to be smart."

The Mullet & Wynona check in to the pit stop.

The next thing you know it's dark and Mr. Dating Couple has on one of those flashlight head bands and he's still looking for the surfboard. He seems to have gone to a special place mentally, a detached place where all that matters is being detailed and smart and focused, the fact that you've clearly lost be damned. We will finish in an orderly and dignified manner, his crazed smile seems to express.

It takes more than an hour, but he finally gets the right board and they check in. Thankfully, they are eliminated because I don't think a non-elimination would have been healthy.

Phil cruelly rubs in the fact that they are the only team, in the history of the Race, who has ever been eliminated with an Express Pass. The fact that the Express Pass is what, five Races old of 22 Races matters not. What they've done is HISTORIC.

Mr. Dating Couple, now fully in the midst of a slow-motion nervous breakdown, takes it as a compliment. They've done something HISTORIC! And by the way, he adds, he has no regrets. They don't really need a million dollars anyway, he says. And you know what, he says through clenched teeth with finger jabbing into Phil's chest, if you guys were being honest, you'd call this the Pretty Good Race because it wasn't all that amazing. (OK, we just wish that had happened.)

Phil breaks the fourth wall, looks into the camera and says 'Oh Vey.' We feel you, Phil.

Ms. Dating Couple is silent at the line, but later reveals that she has regrets (EXPRESS PASS! WE HAD THE FRIGGIN' EXPRESS PASS!) and there's a subtext to her statement that could lead one to believe she might have liked to have that million dollars.

I see a break up.

Welcome to the Bates Battaglia edition of The Race! (Spoiler! Results at the bottom of this post!)

We start in L.A. at the Griffith Observatory with the 11 teams:

* The Country Couple. We'll call them the Mullet & Wynona. Besides having the bestest hair ever, our Hillbilly Samson also likes taxidermy.

* Bates & Anthony. The hockey players we know and we love. Anthony points out that besides being athletic enough to handle the race, they are "super good looking" just before smiling enough to reveal missing teeth. Later, they talk about being so close they finish each other's ... sandwiches, a joke that I'm guessing is part of a long-running routine. Also, Bates, it seems, is in charge of Anthony's false teeth. Now that's love.

* Derby moms. Naturally, they talk about how tough they are. If you watch the Race you know there's always a team that wants to be an inspiration to their children, to show them they can do anything. This is that team.

* Newlyweds. They've been married about a week; the Race is their honeymoon. They want you to know that they are cut throat.

* Father & son. They are the inspirational story. Both are in remission for cancer.

* Dating couple. She wants a ring bad. His response is "It's only been 4 years, what's the hurry?!"

* Twin doctors. They're both OB/Gyns and bless them, they sound like Steve Urkel.

* Asian girls. They're single but they don't want you. They want $1 million.

* Youtube stars. It's pretty clear they like being on camera and they're ready to perform for a bigger audience. This is a branding opportunity.

* Firefighters. They are from Gaffney, SC. If you watch "House of Cards" on Netflix, Gaffney is also the hometown of the fictional manipulative senator played by Kevin Spacey. Gaffney, my friends, has arrived.

* Blondes. They're country singers and they're looking for cute guys. We just know Bates & Anthony will hit on these two.

Last season's unsuccessful $2 million twist has gone away; this year, the team to finish the first leg first gets an express pass (which gives them the opportunity to go straight to the finish line during a leg of the Race), and an extra express pass that they must give to another team sometime before the end of the fourth leg.

First stop: Bora Bora. There are two flights, five teams can get on the first one.

On the way to the airport, Bates & Anthony begin their blondes quest. They might score with them, but they end up on the second flight.

The newlyweds play the political game, befriending folks so they can be candidates for the extra express pass, even though the wife basically hates people. Friendliness pains her. She's going to be fun.

The doctors, part of the group of five that makes it on the first flight, which is an hour ahead, comes up with a plan. With one of their group almost certain to win the first leg, they suggest the second pass go to the second team in their group who comes in second. All agree to the proposal.

Roadblock #1: One team member must tandem skydive from a helicopter while they other takes a water taxi and they meet to get the first clue.

Roadblock #2: On the beach, the taxi riding partner must search through 100 sandcastles for the next clue buried underneath. They must rebuild destroyed sandcastles that don't contain the clue. The sand is hot and it's more than 100 degree on the beach.

Anthony does the jump; Bates does the sandcastles. Bates finds the clue in the sand so quickly that although they were in the second group, they move up to second place overall, leaping ahead of the four other teams.

From there, the teams must row in a Tahitian canoe to the pit stop. It tips easily, but Bates & Anthony handle it. The dating couple gets the two passes, but Bates & Anthony get an impressive 2nd place finish.

The father & son come in 2nd in terms of the alliance. But it's already clear that the dating couple took the whole alliance thing metaphorically.

Meanwhile, the firefighters, the blondes and the newlyweds are still at the beach looking for clues and rebuilding sandcastles. One blonde has described the experience as what hell might be like, sitting on a hot beach building sandcastles for eternity, which is an impressive idea, particularly if just in the distance the hell-goers can see folks sipping cool drinks.

The trio decides they will quit the roadblock and all take the penalty. Although on the next leg that means they'll be 4 hours behind, at this moment, they each just have to beat the other two teams to avoid last place. The firefighters boast that they know they can beat those blondes; they are firefighters, so they can build things and they're men. But we know that boasting on camera is an offense to the reality show gods. So although they build their canoe first, the firefighters tip over their canoe twice.

They go down in flames. And last night, in a Gaffney firehouse, two men had fire engine red faces.

Our "Dancing with the Stars" blogger Lenni G is pretty thrilled about last night's finale. And we're guessing Donald Driver fans were thrilled they got to see a repeat of the football star's "Playing Chicken with a Train" dance, complete with another live Cowboy Troy performance. Here's Lenni G's recap:

As the Pointer Sisters would say, "I'm so excited and I just can't hide it." What a fabulous finale!

All the Stars were back for some more dancing. My particular favorites were Sherri and lots of guys shaking it big time to "It's Rainin' Men, Hallelujah," and Gladys and Tristan looking totally classy to the tune of "Best of My Love."

Gladys got a second moment on stage singing an absolutely gorgeous rendition of "Memories" from "The Way We Were." Note to show producers - bring this amazing lady back soon and often.

Our "Dancing with the Stars" correspondent Lenni G recaps a busy -- and nearly perfect -- night of dancing:

It's finals night of the best season of DWTS and it certainly didn't disappoint. For the first of two dances, each couple did a judges' pick, described as a style they had done previously that the judges felt needed some improvement.

William and Cheryl, with an assist from Bruno (surprise, NOT), did a cha cha that sizzled (as usual). Len called it, "as good as any cha cha he had seen in 14 seasons." Bruno said it was a delicious "Cuban cocktail," and that William's hip motion was "sex on legs." Carrie Ann congratulated William on adding sophistication as well as sharp and defined moves to his always present "magic." Judges' scores - 10's from all three for a total of 30. So, the evening starts "perfectly."

(First off, sorry for the spoilers. But because Clay Aiken lives here, we've been following this every week and if the outcome of "Celebrity Apprentice" was that important to you, you'd have watched it live!)

Sigh. I call foul. Foul!!

But it's Donald Trump's world, we just live in it, right? He can pick whoever he wants for his stupid show...

Okay, here's the stupid recap.

Our "Dancing with the Stars" correspondent Lenni G weighs on on last night's surprising elimination:

It's a night when, as Tom Bergeron put it, no matter who stays or goes, "It's gonna suck!"  True, very true.  Leading up to the "sucky moment," we had ...

Cheryl and William with an encore of their perfect samba from Monday night.

Alanis Morissette with her new song, "Guardian."

Carrie Underwood with her new song, "Good Girl."

Julianne Hough and Mary J. Blige with a spectacular song and dance number from their new movie, "Rock of Ages."

And then we had results.

Our "Dancing with the Stars" expert Lenni G recaps a night of fabulous performances:

I got what I wanted - an incredible night of dancing from all four couples and some amazing life stories for each of the stars. Everybody did two dances - one ballroom, one Latin - and everybody was just plain fabulous.

William and Cheryl (right) started with a tango that really got the evening off right. Of course, Len wanted more "holds" but thought it was terrific overall.  Bruno called William the "master of the house" and the "dictator of the tango." Carrie Ann affirmed that William is "more than just a pretty face." I would have added that the area below his face is pretty pretty too. This is one good looking, great dancing couple. Judges' scores - 9's from Carrie Ann and Len, 10 from Bruno for a total of 28.

Hallelujah! In the first five minutes of tonight's "Celebrity Apprentice," Donald Trump fired the insufferably bratty Aubrey O'Day. Yes!!

Not only did that mean Aubrey couldn't possibly win the competition, it meant Clay Aiken was a finalist -- against his pal Arsenio Hall.

"I'm having a little deja vu," Clay said, referencing the 2003 season of "American Idol" when he was a finalist on that show with Ruben Studdard. Arsenio joked that he's "not that heavy."

Trump asked Clay if "Celebrity Apprentice" was harder than "American Idol." "Oh, it's so much harder than American Idol," Clay answered.

Lenni G fills us in on last night's double elimination episode of "Dancing with the Stars":

It was double elimination night and there were a few scary and nervous moments for everyone. Top scary moment - Judge Len in nothing but a Speedo. Really, a Speedo! Top nervous moment - Katherine and Mark in jeopardy.

We also had fun moments, including Dance Center with Kenny Mayne, Jerry Rice and the Speedo Guy. And, we got to see a "Stars of the Dance" tribute to Dick Clark. Loved it that the show invited quite a few of the original Bandstand kids to view the tribute in person. And, and, the judges chose the trio jive routine from Karina, Donald and Peta as the encore dance. Terrific choice judges! On to the results...