A night after we learned they won "The Amazing Race" edition 22, Bates & Anthony Battaglia were on the phone surprisingly early after what seemed to be quite the party last night at Lucky B's, Bates' Glenwood South bar.

From what we can tell, the party hasn't stopped. The brothers sounded...celebratory. Indeed, the comments came so fast, we aren't exactly sure who said what much of the time.

But here's what we got.

How long did you have to keep that million-dollar secret?

"Too long!"

"If one more person asked me, I was gonna ..."

"Since December."

"Actually, it was fun. We like teasing people. Like every week I told people we were losing. And they'd come back and say, 'I thought you lost.'"

Are you still friends with the Blondes?

"Yeah, they're over right now. Want to talk to them?" (We expressed our disbelief.)

"We still talk to the country singers, we still talk to (the newlyweds) Max & Katie."

Even though, they called you old athletes last night?

"They did? I didn't hear that."

"That's OK. We're still extremely good looking. And we still won. They said that and we beat them."

You guys really played the game well. You had the athleticism, but you also took notes. But you also seemed to be able to make people like you enough that they didn't feel threatened.

"Yes, we're not just good looking, we're smart!"

"We're just friendly people. But if we have to beat you in a foot race, we'll do it. We're not going to be mean."

Speaking of mean, Bates, you were awfully mean to your brother during that Titanic task.

"Yeah, well. He didn't know what chartreuse looked like. I didn't know what chartreuse looked like. I was not happy."

"He can be mad at me for a second, but then we just keep going."

The other place you guys struggled seemed to be with navigation. Was that the taxis or do you have some problems with directions?

"We didn't want to look too good."

"It wasn't us!"

"We should have gotten a map every place we went, but we would rely on these maps Bates drew. That wasn't good. We should have gotten a map every time."

"Those maps worked sometimes."

OK, so besides the million, you won two trips and some cash. Do you have to take those trips together?

"I hope not!" (in unison)

Is there any place that you visited during the Race you'd like to go back to visit?

"I'd like to go back to Bora Bora and Africa. This is Anthony, for the record. That's where I want to go."

"I'm not going with you."

"You're not invited to go with me."

"Good, because I don't want to go."

What do you want to do with the million besides inviting everyone in Raleigh down to Lucky B's for a drink?

"That's it. That's all I want to do. Make sure you print that."

"L-G-Ripped"

"Hashtag"

"Yes, LGR hashtag."

"No, it should be hashtag LGR"

OK, guys, thanks. Congratulations again. I guess I'll see you around.

"We're going to have a new show."

"Tell her the name."

"It's 'Battaglia & Battaglia.' Handsome brothers do America! There will be lots of women and lots of drinking. Print that!"

Let's not bury the good news: I didn't waste 12 weeks of viewing and more than 30 hours of recapping!

But let's start at the beginning: there's a review of the four remaining teams with little bios. Bates & Anthony are described as having positive attitudes. They've been on a roller coaster, Phil says, and of course, there is talk of their relationship with the Blondes.

The Newlyweds leave first for Belfast. There they'll get into a Ford Fiesta and drive to a park. Bates & Anthony leave second; they'd like to see the Derby Moms get eliminated from the final four because they are tough. The feeling is mutual; the Derby Moms say they don't understand why the Newlyweds and the Blondes would work to help Bates & Anthony because they're such a strong team. I gotta say, the Derby Moms make a lot of sense. Bates & Anthony do seem to have special super powers of niceness that blind everyone to the fact that they are the most athletic team and they are no dummies either.

At any rate, the teams meet up on the ferry to Scotland and arrive to Belfast all at once. The teams run for their Fiestas and there's a directional divide. Bates & Anthony follow the Newlyweds; the Blondes and the Derby Moms go the other way. Bates & Anthony have been directionally challenged through the entire Race, but they know how to follow real good. They've made the right choice to follow the Newlyweds (after all, Mrs. Newlywed has a PhD), and they're in the mix with the second strongest team.

The next task involves one team member doing a cannonball into a muddy bog and swimming laps in a snorkel in under four minutes. Anthony does the task but Bates has the pleasure of helping to squeeze Anthony's 'junk' into a wet suit. Anthony says it's hard to breath in the mud, but nonetheless manages to do it in just over two minutes.

Next, Bates & Anthony have to find the 'Thing With a Ring," which turns out to be a statue. They get stuck in traffic which puts the Newlyweds and the Derby Moms ahead.

Awaiting them is a Detour. Tray It involves serving five courses to first-class passengers on the Titanic (the setting is the place where the Titanic was built); the food must be served in the correct order. When all courses are served, teams will get the next clue.

Spray It involves finishing one side of a piece of graffiti art by using a picture of the other half.

Spray It sounds fairly easy to me but Bates & Anthony choose Tray It. The Newlyweds start it first and figure out what will become the major hurdle: there's a menu list and there's a chart with seat assignments. Follow the menu list; the seat assignments are secondary and tell you, when there are menu options which items the person chose. If you follow the seating chart, you'll get it wrong.

But first Bates & Anthony have to figure out what consomme looks like. (The Derby Moms had to figure out how to pronounce it.)

Bates is doing the serving and Anthony is doing the plating. The serving involves not just carrying the tray, but carrying the tray about 100 yards back and forth and running up a bunch of stars. It's exhausting.

At first, Anthony makes the seating chart error, but he fairly quickly figures it out. Then Anthony drops the second course. Bates is not happy. By the time they get to the fifth course, it seems things are going well. It's dessert, after all. But Anthony can't get the dessert course right. The menu item is unfamiliar but it has the word 'chartreuse' in it. And Anthony thinks 'chartreuse' is red. It's not. It's yellowish or green.

It gets heated; Bates gets really mad and Anthony gets kind of scared. Anthony predicts Bates will kill him if he gets it wrong again; he gets it wrong again and Bates threatens to kill him. Bates calls Anthony the worse partner ever. It feels very big brother/little brother; like Bates used to beat up Anthony when they were kids. On the other hand, it's kind of interesting to see Bates lose it.

Even with the chartreuse debacle, Bates & Anthony are right behind the Newlyweds. It's pretty much a foot race to the pit stop. The Newlyweds win by a few seconds and get a trip to the Dominican Republic. Mr Newlywed talks stuff too: he says the Newlyweds won't be intimidated by some old athletes.

It's so cool that they'll soon eat those words with a side of chartreuse.

Sadly, though Bates & Anthony's friends, the Blondes are bested by the Derby Moms. After they were bested by the fact that one of the Blondes can't swim and had a freak out at the muddy bog.

Still, they leave graciously because they've seen that people are good all over the world.

It's down to the final 3. Bates says he doesn't want to relive the feeling of losing in a final like he did when he didn't win the Stanley Cup. Not winning, he says, is not an option.

The 12th leg has the Newlyweds leaving first, heading to Liverpool, then off to London to have a beer and get the clue for their final destination. Bates & Anthony say they feel freakin' awesome and Bates likes their chances of finding a bar because that plays to their strength. Yes, you can consider that a Lucky B's plug. Anthony correctly predicts that the Blondes are toast and the Derby Moms are in it.

Bates, in another show of his dark side, wishes a rough leg on the Newlyweds, like he and Anthony had after winning three legs in a row.

They're off to Washington, D.C. where Bates lived for a little while. The first clue sends them to the Lincoln Memorial and the spot where Martin Luther King Jr. gave his "I Have a Dream" speech. Bates breaks out the dictionary and calls the speech 'iconic.'

From there, the teams are sent to 1100 Pennsylvania Avenue where they're told they'll take a picture with President Obama. Now, just think about that. The president of the United States who gets criticized when he takes a vacation is going to make time to take a picture with the contestants on a reality competition show.

As ridiculous as that sounds when you say it out loud, all the teams actually think the POTUS, the Leader of the Free World, is going to take a picture with them. Mr. Newlywed, a staunch Republican, even gets kind of excited, although when he discovers that it's just a green screen picture he tries to pretend that he's relieved. Bates took his scruffy hat off and everything. (Although I think the President would have said, "Please, put your hat back on." That hair. Ugh.)

The roadblock is a throwback. The teams have to say a code phrase to the right secret agent among 50 agents to get a case that opens with the combination that matches the order of their arrival in New Zealand, Indonesia and Vietnam. Bates takes the job and beats Mr. Newlywed, who started the task first. And he's written down the order of his finishes.

That sends Bates & Anthony to National Stadium where they must complete Play Ball, a task that involves one team member being suspended from a zip line. The flying team member has to toss a ball to the teammate below dressed in mascot garb (well, as a giant inflated baseball); the teammate must catch it. Anthony flies, Bates catches. Anthony feels confident because he and Bates played baseball as kids. Bates points out they didn't play baseball dressed as a giant baseball. That makes catching the ball like trying to catch with one eye closed. Still, Bates catches it on the second attempt.

That sends them to Go Global, which sends Anthony in a giant bin of blow up globes, some marked with the 10 countries they visited. Anthony has to toss the globes to Bates, Bates has to put them in the right order in which they visited and then the clue will be revealed. It's a bit of a Chuck E. Cheese nightmare, but with patience, Anthony succeeds. Anthony reveals that they would look at the maps on the plane rides to identify the countries; Bates admits he wouldn't have been able to identify the countries before the Race.

But they do find them, and that means they can head to George Washington's Mount Vernon, the finish line. On the way, Bates says he's so nervous the rest of his hair might fall out or turn gray. (Fall out! Fall out!) Anthony says win or lose, he wouldn't have wanted to do the Race with anyone else.

But of course, it's win, not lose. In Lucky B's shirts no less. Anthony head butts his brother in a display of joy. Phil brings up his false teeth, and Anthony says now he can buy new dentures. Bates says he hasn't felt like this in a long time; hockey hasn't given him that sense of triumph lately. The Race, they say, is really amazing. And the Blondes pledge to be friends for life.

All that's left to say is: Hey man, can I get a loan?

CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD!!

The 10th leg begins with the Newlyweds gleeful dance as they try out their 2013 Ford Fusions (with Eco Boost!), then are the first to head out on route to Scotland where the first thing they'll do is drive Ford Fiestas.

There's a Double U-Turn ahead and the alliance of the Newlyweds, the Blondes and Bates and Anthony have decided, should one of them arrive first, they will U-Turn the YouTube stars and the Derby Moms.

The Newlyweds go to a business office and find out there is a flight that arrives at 10:40. The other teams head straight for the airport and get different results. The YouTube Stars and Derby Moms get the last spots for a flight that arrives at 1 p.m. They're giddy because that leaves a flight for Bates & Anthony, the Blondes, and they think, the Newlyweds that arrives at 4 p.m. They'll have a 3-hour lead and crush the alliance!

But Bates & Anthony decide to look for an earlier flight and discover the Newlyweds' "secret" 10:40 flight. The Blondes do too. And so now, the alliance is ahead. Mercifully, the Derby Moms and YouTube Stars don't know this, so they get to have a few hours of happiness.

When the flight lands, Bates & Anthony are off the plane first, but the Newlyweds jump into their Fords and leave first. It's time for a Roadblock.

Teams must learn to play the bagpipes, or at least one harmonizing note on a bagpipe, and hold it while marching with a Scottish band.

Bates lets us know two important things: he's half Scottish and he has on underwear. Apparently, that's all he needs to succeed. Not only does he hold the note on the first go, he holds it longer than necessary; the band leader has to beg him to stop. Sorry, but we're not indulging in the "he's full of hot air!" jokes. There was enough of that on the show.

Too bad Bates could be there for the Blondes. One of them falls apart during her sixth bagpipe attempt. Apparently, she's using mouth muscles she's never used before and it hurts. Sadly, the muscles she uses to whine are intact. After she finishes crying, she manages to do it right and falls to her knees in thanks.

Meanwhile, Bates & Anthony get to the next stop, a castle, and find the clue. Time for a Detour.

Tasty Pudding involves making haggis, which means stuffing an ox's intestines with other internal organs and spices, and then eating the dish. Whiskey Rolling involves delivering 8 big barrels of whiskey to a festive dance.

Bates & Anthony choose the barrels. Rolling them isn't easy so they go all he-men and lift them. Bates says carrying them makes him feel like that Greek god holding up the world. (We have to say, we're awfully impressed with Bates & Anthony's body of knowledge on the Race. Clearly, unlike other jocks, hockey players actually pay attention in school.) At that point, Anthony is only rolling the barrels, so I'm guessing that makes him feel like the Pillsbury doughboy?

At any rate, they finish quickly and head to another castle for the next clue. That's where the U-Turn is and Bates & Anthony honor their alliance by U-Turning the YouTube stars. Then they head to the pit stop.

Unfortunately, Bates & Anthony's sense of direction or map reading does them in again and they get lost. They come in second to the Newlyweds at the pit stop, missing out on $10,000 each.

That leaves the battle for last place between the YouTube Stars and the Derby Moms, who have been U-Turned as well, by the Newlyweds. The Derby Moms had to do a Speed Bump too; they had to play a game called Skittles, which is like bowling except there's no holes in the ball and no automatic ball return or pin setup. On their 16th attempt they manage to knock down all the pins.

Both teams choose the Tasty Pudding detour, which seems odd since the Derby Moms have considered themselves mules for the entire Race. But they also make a mean meatball, and imagining the haggis as meatball making helps them move fast. They are also the only team to admit what we all know, haggis is some kind of nasty. Then, they discover the U-Turn, and get to their typical burro work.

In the end, the Derby Moms' ability to haul pays off (the YouTube Stars girl turns out to be a more delicate flower than YouTube Stars boy, which would not seem possible judging by his typical squeals of anguish and horror at, well, everything) and they hit the pit stop mat first.

The YouTube Stars are eliminated. They are proud of themselves. He's grown. He's had the best time in his life. They don't have a million dollars.

Next week: the two-hour finale!

Just when I was starting to think Bates & Anthony might easily cruise to ultimate victory, the 9th leg comes along.

Bates & Anthony leave first for Dresden, Germany. They'll head to the Ministry of Finance building and jump into a Ford Fusion (with Eco Boost!) for their next clue.

The Derby Moms can't understand why the Blondes keep working to keep Bates & Anthony around when they are such a strong team. The Blondes say they want Bates & Anthony in the final three with them. No, it doesn't make sense in terms of strategy but they're the Blondes not the Rocket Scientists.

Bates & Anthony quickly lose their lead; the train to Germany leaves late enough for all the teams to make it onboard. And then, while he was asleep, someone steals Bates' knapsack. Thankfully, Bates was smart enough to keep his passport separate. Still, someone in Germany, at this moment, is wearing Bates' boxers. Or briefs. Please let them be boxers. One of the Blondes offers to lend Bates her undies because Bates is such a sweet, kind, good hearted guy, he shouldn't have to go commando. Anthony offers his drawers too. I hope we never learn how this all got resolved.

In Germany, the Ford Fusion (with Eco Boost!) is programmed to give the Racers, three questions that will lead them to the next location. Thank goodness the questions are multiple choice or the YouTube stars, and perhaps the Blondes, would still be there now. They had no idea who said "Tear Down This Wall," who President Reagan said it to and where he was standing when he said it. After the Blondes guess correctly, they feel bad about not helping Bates & Anthony, but I'm happy to report Bates & Anthony didn't need help. They know hockey and American history. They all head to the Bradenburg Gate.

The Blondes and Bates & Anthony meet up again when the next clue sends them to a hotel; the Blondes are to follow Bates & Anthony in their Ford Fusions (with Eco Boost!). Alas, Anthony drives a tad too fast, taking a light the Blondes miss. And just like that, the steadfast alliance between the two teams falters because the Blondes think Bates & Anthony were only looking out for themselves.

After the Ford Fusion (with Eco Boost!) commercial, the teams have to base jump from the top of the hotel to get their next clue. That brings them to a detour. Train Trails involves going to a train museum and laying toy train tracks; the accompanying toy train had to ride the rails without going off track to get the clue. Font Follies required transporting giant light-up glass letters to a museum without breaking them to get the clue.

Bates & Anthony pick Font Follies and follow the Blondes much to their chagrin. Now that they no longer trust Bates & Anthony and don't want to compete with them in a foot race, they don't want them around. They all pick up their letters and when they stop to get directions, Anthony's letter 'V' falls and cracks. Anthony thinks it was perhaps a gust of wind; he might consider it was a resentful Blonde. Anyway, Bates & Anthony either have to go get another letter or go do the other task. They pick the other task. As Bates says when they're in the cab to the Train Trails: "Busted letter, busted spirit."

Meanwhile, the Newlyweds, who said at the start of the leg that they couldn't believe they hadn't won more legs, wins this leg after the completing the road block, which involved going into a labyrinth in some janky nightclub, with the password being "Kennedy," as in "Who said, Ich bin ein Berliner." Guess what they won? Yep, a 2013 Ford Fusion (with Eco Boost!) each.

The YouTube stars, by the way, had no idea Kennedy said that, even though that speech is on YouTube. And isn't it great that rather than learn it in school, they learned it on a competition reality show?

Bates & Anthony get the train around the tracks on their 9th attempt. They are in last place and they need a miracle. It comes in the form of the Derby Moms who are lost on the way to the nightclub and also don't know the President Kennedy is a Berliner. Anthony knows it though and he ends up working with one of the Derby Moms to make it through the labyrinth, setting up the foot race the Derby Moms have dreaded.

Bates & Anthony beat them to the finish line, but it's OK. It's a non-elimination leg.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!

It's the eighth leg, and because they won the seventh leg, Bates & Anthony get to leave for Zurich, Switzerland first. Anthony notes how great it has been partnering with his brother Anthony because they didn't get to play hockey together that much when they were young.

Because of the fast forward from last week, when they leave they are so far ahead, no team could possibly catch them without their total collapse. So of course, the plane to Zurich doesn't leave until the next day, ensuring all the teams will be on the same flight.

Our foreshadowing moment comes tonight via the Mullet & Wynona. They say that being on the Race hasn't pulled them apart; after a rough start they are friends, not fussin' and fightin' anymore. We'll see about that.

After the plane, the teams must travel by train to a town; everybody gets on that too. While on board, the Blondes and Bates & Anthony joke about being boyfriends and girlfriends; it's their two-week anniversary. Anthony points out they haven't gotten any action, not even a kiss. Exactly what kind of action do you usually get after two weeks, Anthony?

At the next stop, the teams can't get the clue until the next morning, so all the teams are together again. When they get the clue it says take another train.

That train takes the teams to the base of a mountain and a meeting with a bunch of St. Bernards with those cute little barrels around their necks. The teams have to travel by train with the dogs to the highest railroad station in Europe, deliver the dogs and search for the next clue.

Bates says their dog isn't friendly. Seems St. Bernards are a bit stubborn. The Blondes find that out when they can't get their dog on the train without Anthony's help.

The next clue leads to a roadblock. One team member must climb across a high and very vertical rock wall, pick up the Travelocity gnome and then climb into a window with the gnome. Bates is thrilled; continuing on his quest to get some sort of endorsement deal, he says he loves the gnome and can't wait to be with him.

Just a thought: Bates & Anthony Battaglia, the new Bachelors?

Bates takes on the roadblock, and although he says it's kind of high and the highest he's ever climbed is to change a light bulb, he manages to do the task pretty quickly and Bates & Anthony are in first place. Their reward is the chance to get on another train to get the next clue.

The next clue leads to the switchback, which is a task that's been done on the show before. In this case, it's the infamous cheese-and-the-hill task, the one that left many teams rolling and falling and getting run over by wheels of cheese as the locals laughed.

This time, it could prove even funnier since the hill is covered in slippery snow. The teams must use a sled to transport 200 pounds of cheese (or four wheels) to the bottom of the hill, and then transport it to a shed. While Ms. Newlywed slips and slides and holds up the other teams, Bates & Anthony make it to the top quickly. Guess all that time on ice has been useful. They also come up with the idea of letting the cheese on the sled push them down the hill rather than trying to push the cheese. The method works really well; they get the next clue and head to the pit stop in first place.

It's a hat trick for Bates & Anthony; their third win in a row. This time they win a trip to Bora Bora. Bates is shown wearing a Hurricanes shirt.

While all that was happening, the Mullet is transforming from lovable hairdo to evil mop top. Wynona has moved from words of conciliation to 'Screw him!' because she can't run as fast as the others, putting she and the Mullet 12 seconds behind the other teams (she counted), and the Mullet chiding her to tears as a form of motivation. Later, when Wynona has to cross the rock wall, the Mullet tells her that if something should happen he won't remarry the first month after her death. When Wynona struggles, then makes her way across the wall, he doesn't have praise for her efforts. Instead, after she says she wishes he would say 'good job,' he says "Good job, I'm glad you made it. The kids need a mama." And then, when they are doing the cheese task, he delivers this gem: "I can't do both of these sleds and your ass," which, out of context, can have all sorts of meanings, none of them very nice. It's clear that the one job he didn't have at Walmart was greeter.

To make matters worse, Wynona comes up with the idea to roll the cheese down the hill rather than use the sled. It works well; they finish quickly. And when the YouTube stars get lost on the way to the pit stop, it looks like Wynona & the Mullet are going to steal the last spot.

But the rolling cheese idea is a violation; the rule was the sled had to be used. Wynona & the Mullet get a 30-minute penalty. Then they get eliminated.

The Mullet says he's proud of her and says they are glad to have seen the sites they did. Oh, now he says he's proud. Wynona, it's time to upgrade to a Target man.

SPOILERS BELOW!!
After the Race producers apologize for offending Vietnam vets on the last leg of the Race, the teams are off to Botswana with the Asian Girls heading out first. At their first stop they must board one of three flights to get to their destination, a national park.

The Newlywed wife reminds us again that she has a PhD, but on the Race she wants to keep it a secret. Apparently she thinks that having a PhD means she's so smart the other Racers will be terrified and intimidated by her brilliance, causing them to rise up against her as if she were a Frankenstein monster.

Bates & Anthony aren't worrying about such matters. They leave fourth, with Anthony revealing that he thought he would spend most of the Race led by the nose by Bates. Instead, it's been a 50-50 partnership.

Or maybe foursome, because Bates & Anthony squarely have their eyes on the Blondes. And it seems the Blondes share that affection. One of them admits she's crushing on Bates. There's a bit of a mind meld among them as well. When the teams get the first clue, they are supposed to figure out they are going to Botswana. Most teams use the Internet. Both Bates & Anthony and the Blondes are certain they are going to Kenya.

Once again, although Bates & Anthony are the fourth team to leave, they arrive like fifth or sixth to the travel agency. What's going on?

No matter: By the time the teams get off the first plane to get on the second flight to the national park, Bates & Anthony are booked on the first flight along with the Blondes. Clearly, they are swifter on their feet than in any form of transportation.

Anthony is hopping for hand holding with the Blondes on the way to the national park, but he promptly loses some manhood points by whimpering on the puddle jumper plane.

Next up, a road block. The teams must work with three Kalahari bushmen and dig for a scorpion and then put the scorpion in a jar. Bates takes the challenge. On the way to look for scorpion holes, Bates talks about being scared about running into a lion, which seems silly until we watch the Blondes run into a lion. When one of the bushmen runs up the tree, the Blondes don't join him. Clearly the bushman was thinking that he didn't have to be faster than the lion, he just had to be faster than the Blondes.

Bates and his bushmen find a hole and Bates bravely digs with his hand despite the fact that there's a scorpion down there. When the scorpion is uncovered, he touches it gamely, even getting a pinch. Naturally, he wishes the pinch was from one of the Blondes instead.

With that, Bates & Anthony are in first place. Next, they must load up the bushmen in their SUV and head for the next clues. Bates tries to get the bushman to sing as they ride, but the tune he hummed was clearly self-penned and unrecognizable to the bushmen (and us viewers).

Time for a detour. Fire involves making a fire with two sticks, elephant poo and grass. Once the fire was stoked, it has to be used to light an elder's pipe to get the next clue. Fowl involves setting a trap used for hunting guinea fowl. When the trap is completed, teams must pretend to be guinea fowl and trip the trap to earn the clue.

Like most of the teams, Bates & Anthony choose fire, perhaps because a)they've watched too many movies that make starting a fire with two sticks seem easy or b)because they think the two sticks are matchsticks. Yet while the other teams struggle, Bates & Anthony actually get a fire started (Bates notes the effectiveness of quality elephant poo) and head to the pit stop.

They've got another first place win and earn a trip to Thailand. Bates & Anthony feel they are getting stronger after struggling a bit. Bates says it's mostly their body odor that's getting stronger. We'll call it the funk of champions.

Meanwhile, unable to start fires, the Blondes, the YouTube stars and the Derby Moms switch to the fowl task. The Newlyweds decide to stick it out a little longer. At the fowl detour, the teams meet up with the Asian Girls and the Mullet & Wynona. After coming in last last week, the Mullet & Wynona are in a bad space mentally. They feel older and slower than the other teams and they sound many notes of defeat.

But it turns out the Mullet has a secret history -- secret even to Wynona who quotes like Scripture all his skills in every episode -- of building traps. That ability lands them in third place at the pit stop, a nice recovery. Are you starting to think that the Mullet is actually some kind of countrified James Bond?

In the end, it's a foot race between the Newlyweds and the Derby Moms. The Derby Moms win. But lucky for the Newlyweds, it's a non-elimination round. They'll face a speed bump next leg. Mr. Newlywed says they made some stupid decisions, which seems odd since he has a PhD on his side. Hmm. But worse, after Mrs. Newlywed says staying in the Race means the honeymoon continues, Mr. Newlywed tells us the tent will be rocking tonight. I don't have a PhD, but I can tell you that's more that I wanted to know.

CAUTION!! SPOILERS BELOW!!

We're heading to Hanoi, Vietnam and the Quivering Lip Father & his Son have made a decision. Quivering Lip Father needs to have some work on his Achilles within 7 days, so they'll fly to Vietnam, hit the mat and be eliminated.

When they reveal this plan to the Asian Girls, the Asian Girls get a boost of confidence, since they're currently in second place. Now, they finally have a chance at the top spot, they say.

Indeed, the Asian Girls are in full strategy mode, making plans to smash the alliance between the YouTube Stars, the now-eliminated (but for the moment unconfirmed as eliminated) Dating Couple and the Derby Moms.

And there's a double u-turn ahead on this leg.

The u-turn has everybody shaking. Bates & Anthony believe their prowess on detours makes them a target.

The teams all meet up in Vietnam because the first location, a gallery, isn't open until the next day. While they wait, Mr. Newlywed of the Newlyweds makes as big a deal as Phil did about the Dating Couple getting eliminated with Express Pass in hand. (I can just imagine Mr. Dating Couple watching this on TV with that same crazed look on his face and plotting Mr. Newlywed's demise while muttering "We don't really need $1 million!") the rightful mocking of the Dating Couple inexplicably infuriates the YouTube Stars who want to punch Mr. Newlywed in the neck.

Meanwhile, all is peaceful as Quivering Lip Father & his Son hit the mat before Phil and bow out. Dad starts crying; he doesn't want to let down his son. Sure, it would have been interesting if Son said 'Well, Dad you did!' But of course, Son starts to cry too, and says he'd rather do four legs with his Quivering Lip Father than win $1 million with anyone else. They walk/hop away, leaving a puddle for Phil to mop up.

Back at the gallery, Bates & Anthony get in on the plot to u-turn the YouTube Stars and the Derby Moms who united with the now-known-to-be-eliminated Dating Couple, particularly because, as Bates tells us Mr. Dating Couple looks like a rat.

Roadblock: A team member has to listen to a performance of a patriotic Vietnamese tune. At the end, dancers will show a political phrase in Vietnamese. Team members have 5 minutes to match the phrase to a poster in the lobby or they have to rewatch the performance.

The Asian Girl gets it right the first time and heads to the next task to get a clue, a Vietnamese bamboo dance.

Anthony gets it wrong the first time, so he'll be hearing the song again. All told, he's in the group that hears it three times before he gets it right and Bates & Anthony are off to the bamboo dance. Team members must hold hands as they do the bamboo dance. Anthony says Bates has soft hands.

The detours are Make Your Move, in which teams must set up a game of Chinese chess using human pieces that have the symbols of actual chess pieces. The teams must look at the board of two men playing the actual game and duplicate it.

Make Your Meal involves making a bowl of the national dish, pho. Teams must gather baskets and baskets of live chickens, then head to the market to gather specific quantities of ingredients. They then prepare the pho and if the chef likes it, the clue is theirs.

In the lead, the Asian Girls do the chess challenge then head to a memorial where the double u-turn stands. As promised, they u-turn the YouTube stars. They head to the pit stop and win a trip to Canada.

Bates & Anthony also handle the challenge like master. They ascend to second place and head to the memorial.

The YouTube Stars discover they've been u-turned. They are miffed and in turn u-turn the Mullet & Wynona. Then Girl YouTube Star whines about how the other teams think they can have an alliance with Bates & Anthony, but they are wrong because Bates & Anthony will crush them with their mighty hockey thighs (or something like that). So why don't they u-turn Bates & Anthony? We'll never know.

Another thing we may never know is why Bates & Anthony end up coming in fourth at the pit stop behind the Newlyweds and the Derby Moms, even though they were ahead of the Newlyweds and the Derby Moms. Bad cabbie? Bathroom stop? Denture incident?

That leaves the Mullet & Wynona who've been having a bad day. Wynona tells us that she and the Mullet have been having a tough time lately; opposite work schedules have pulled them apart and the Race is their chance to regain their connection. Wynona admits she's a weak team member physically, but she can help the Mullet with her brain. If he would only listen. And on this leg, the Mullet isn't listening and Wynona is not happy. She is talking a lot of smack about her man and his hard headedness. I feel duped since she's spent the other legs talking up the Mullet as a strong-legged Walmart Adonis, capable of as many skills as a Swiss Army knife. Now he's just like every other husband, a mere Target shopper, if you will.

Anyway, they come in last but it's OK. Since the Quivering Lip Father & Son bowed out of the Race, they're still in. The Mullet promises he will listen to her now, he will let her voice be heard. That's what they all say, honey.

BEWARE!! SPOILERS BELOW!!

It's Leg 3 and we're at the Pit stop and Quivering Lip Father & his Son have a decision to make. Will they go on despite Quivering Lip Father's bad leg?

There's barely a breath before they decide to stick it out. I mean, all they have to do is come in first and everything is fine. No problem.

Bates & Anthony reach the non-pit stop third. Next stop: Bali.

Bates & Anthony head to the airport instead of stopping at a travel agency to book a flight to Bali. This puts them behind. They end up with a flight that arrives at 12:05 instead of 8:30 a.m. The good news is four other teams get that flight too.

The bad news is, on a layover, two of those four team get a flight that will get them to Bali at 10. So Bates & Anthony are suddenly on the road to last place.

Retrieving the first clue involves getting a monkey to crack a coconut that contains the clue. During the course of this, we learn that one of the Blondes had a flying monkey who died of loneliness because he lived in her bra. We're not sure if this is a crack on her boobs or the lack thereof, but the Blonde telling the story assures us it's a 'true fact,' rather than one of those pesky false facts.

Detour: Sandy Bottom involves collecting sand at the bottom of a body of water and then transporting it 200 yards to a brick maker. The sand must reach a line in the collection basket to get the clue. Fruity Top involves building a religious offering made of fruit, accompanying it through a procession, and then getting it blessed by a priest to get the clue.

Bates & Anthony finally arrive in Bali. They are hopeful, they proclaim their driver 'super!' (even better, 'supa!'). This is one of the first foreshadows of the night because it turns out their super driver has no idea where he's going. They will be last to get to the monkey. Bates puts down the coconut for the monkey and the monkey promptly runs away. When they finally get the clue, they hope to do Sandy Bottom but their super cabbie only knows the way to Fruity Top. Fruity Top it is.

The next foreshadow happens with the Dating Couple. Mr. Dating Couple talks about how detail-oriented he and his gal are. Naturally, when they go for the Fruity Top detour, they end up at the wrong address, building a shrine for some guy in his backyard.

The front runners have built their fruity shrines and the next clue sends them to find a surfboard with an image of 'something they've encountered on the Race.' That something is an image of the Tahitian priest who blessed them at the last pit stop. If you pick the wrong surf board, you have to go back. It's not an easy return; there are lots of steps, twists and turns and it's hot.

But even hopping with a boot, Quivering Lip Father & Son come in first. Son is actually in second place, after the Asian Girls, but the Asian Girl can't find the pit stop. She walks by Son and he sees which surfboard she has and just copies her, then beats her to the pit stop. Quivering Lip Father & Son get $5000 each. Father's lip doesn't quiver, but he does get teary.

Bates & Anthony are at Fruity Top, along with, among others, the Dating Couple. The Dating Couple use their detail-oriented ability to completely botch the shrine, albeit in a very specific way. Remember they have the Express Pass; Ms. Dating Couple wants to use it. But Mr. Dating Couple thinks they just need to slow down and take a breath and all will be OK. "I'm not thinking about the Express Pass," he declares. He's not kidding. They decide to switch to the Sandy Bottom detour, although that works against their expertise in details.

Bates & Anthony build their shrine and head to the surfboards. Bates has the right surfboard in his hand, but dismisses it. Eventually, he goes back to it, but runs past the steps that lead to Phil. Up and down and down and up he goes. Eventually, right board in hand, Bates & Anthony come in 7th place.

We learn that this extended leg has been a four-day odyssey, which explains why folks start breaking down. When the Blondes can't get the right surfboard, one sits down and has a cry, despite the edit that shows the Roller Derby Moms saying there's no crying on the Race. (They're talking to you Quivering Lip Father!)

But the biggest breakdown happens to the Dating Couple. On the way to the Sandy Bottom, they decide that if they see the Roller Derby Moms, they'll decide how far back they are and whether they should use their Express Pass. But the Roller Derby Moms are gone when they get to Sandy Bottom, so they can't make an assessment.

They finish and arrive at the surfboard area. It's between the Dating Couple and the Mullet & Wynona. The Mullet gets the board and that leaves the Dating Couple last. Although they know they are behind, Mr. Dating Couple still doesn't want to use the Express Pass. "I want to be smart."

The Mullet & Wynona check in to the pit stop.

The next thing you know it's dark and Mr. Dating Couple has on one of those flashlight head bands and he's still looking for the surfboard. He seems to have gone to a special place mentally, a detached place where all that matters is being detailed and smart and focused, the fact that you've clearly lost be damned. We will finish in an orderly and dignified manner, his crazed smile seems to express.

It takes more than an hour, but he finally gets the right board and they check in. Thankfully, they are eliminated because I don't think a non-elimination would have been healthy.

Phil cruelly rubs in the fact that they are the only team, in the history of the Race, who has ever been eliminated with an Express Pass. The fact that the Express Pass is what, five Races old of 22 Races matters not. What they've done is HISTORIC.

Mr. Dating Couple, now fully in the midst of a slow-motion nervous breakdown, takes it as a compliment. They've done something HISTORIC! And by the way, he adds, he has no regrets. They don't really need a million dollars anyway, he says. And you know what, he says through clenched teeth with finger jabbing into Phil's chest, if you guys were being honest, you'd call this the Pretty Good Race because it wasn't all that amazing. (OK, we just wish that had happened.)

Phil breaks the fourth wall, looks into the camera and says 'Oh Vey.' We feel you, Phil.

Ms. Dating Couple is silent at the line, but later reveals that she has regrets (EXPRESS PASS! WE HAD THE FRIGGIN' EXPRESS PASS!) and there's a subtext to her statement that could lead one to believe she might have liked to have that million dollars.

I see a break up.

ATTENTION: SPOILERS BELOW

It becomes clear from the quick update of last week that this week's leg of the Race will be all about the Father & Son.

Actually, let me update: the Quivering Lip Father & his Son.

You'll remember that last week as they ran to be first to the pit stop before Bates & Anthony (and lost), the Father of the then-Father & Son team was convinced that he ruptured his Achilles.

This week, we see that the medical staff on hand can't give them a definite answer, but that lip is already quivering at the mere thought of the injury. Father has cried every week. Yes, I know, surviving cancer and seeing your son survive cancer is a big big deal. But does he really have to cry each time it comes up?

Quivering Lip Father says they're not going to quit the Race, that's not on the table. Crying, however, is the table's centerpiece.

Bates & Anthony leave first for New Zealand, Christchurch, which we're told is Phil's hometown. Does this mean we'll meet Phil's mum? See baby pictures?

There's good news for the Quivering Lip Father & his Son; Dating Couple thinks it's to their benefit to give Quivering Lip Father & his Son that extra express pass. Dating Couple considers Bates & Anthony a threat and hope giving Quivering Lip Father & his Son a boost will hurt Bates & Anthony.

As it turns out, the flight to New Zealand from Tahiti doesn't leave until the morning, so all the teams catch up. That also gives Quivering Lip Father & his Son time to go to the doctor. Quivering Lip Father was right; his Achilles is shot. But remember: quitting is not on the table. Quivering Lip Father gets a boot and some crutches and he's ready. Oddly, this does not make him cry.

The Dating Couple forms a new alliance with the Newlyweds, the YouTube Stars and the Derby Moms to take down Bates & Anthony. Bates & Anthony, meanwhile, form an alliance with the Blondes. The strategy behind that seems to be to have something to do with making corny flirtatious remarks.

Detours: Rev It Up, which involved driving an all-terrain vehicle to a track where each team member has to drive a vintage car (or as we call them in the U.S. a junker) through a course and around some cones in less than a combined 83 seconds.

Reel It In, involved each team member catching a fish that's at least 12 inches long.

Quivering Lip Father & Son head for the cars but after learning the cars are stick shifts, they go fishing since Quivering Lip Father can't even feel his foot. They eventually bag fishing too and use the express pass.

Bates & Anthony finally come across something that isn't easy for them. They end up driving the course three times, putting them in fifth place. When they get back to their car to go to the next clue, Anthony gives a sigh a relief and some nice praise for the Ford Focus. Or was it a plug?

Roadblock: They call it the Shemozzle and it's an obstacle course done in shorts and a burlap sack in which you end up covered in molasses and chicken feathers, slip and slide into a manure pond and you must deliver 12 unbroken eggs to get the next clue. Oh, there's a dog companion too.

It takes Bates & Anthony (who doesn't take out his teeth at all this week) awhile to get to the Shemozzle because they're following the Newlyweds into some mist. Mr. Newlywed doesn't listen to Mrs. Newlywed even though, as he asserts, she's a cold German and, as she asserts, she's 24 with a doctorate and so she's always right. And don't you know it turns out she was right about going the other way.

While that's being sorted out, we see Quivering Lip Father & his Son arrive at the pit stop first. I'll give it to Quivering Lip Father -- he's hopping on that good leg like a pro! They win a trip to Bangkok.

But it's one of those times when the Race isn't finished. Phil's got another clue. Will Quivering Lip Father & his Son keep going because Quivering Lip Father, sniff, doesn't want to let his Son down? Grab some tissues and tune in next week.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Ten teams start the Race in Bora Bora. The leg begins with the teams traveling to a wedding chapel on one of the islands, getting a blessing from a priest who will then present them with the clue.

The Dating Couple leaves first but because the chapel doesn't open until 7:30 a.m. nearly every team will catch up and the two teams that were penalized four hours in the last leg -- the Blondes and the Newlyweds -- will only be an hour and a half behind.

The Dating Couple, armed with the extra express pass, are not just on a trip to Bora Bora, they're on a power trip. They've decided that the alliance they've made with four other teams in which they would give that extra pass to the team who came in second among them, aka the Father & Son, only holds if no one knows about the alliance. "Loose lips sink sinks," they proclaim. This is exactly why TV judges always say to get things in writing.

Of course, after the Father & Son approach the Dating Couple to talk about the alliance, everyone else instantly knows they must be the designated team, perhaps because the dating couple aren't worth talking to otherwise.

That knowledge leads to a feeding frenzy of butt-kissing, much to the Dating Couple's delight. While the Derby Moms, Bates & Anthony, and the Youtube stars hold fast to their dignity, the Mullet & Wynona offer to carry the Dating Couple's bags.

Tonight's foreshadowing comment comes courtesy of the Twin Doctors. They discuss their dislike of water. Mind you, not only are the on the Race which always has a water task, they are on an island. There's book smart and there's common sense.

Then, they talk about how their profession has made them Race ready because they're used to a lack of sleep and they know how to stay cool under pressure.

Anthony takes out his teeth just because.

Detours are Pick a Pearl, which involves diving for two red pearls a half-mile offshore. The pearls are inside oysters attached to submerged lines.

Take a Trunk involves putting on a diving helmet, unloading a submerged trunk and creating an underwater dining experience.

Most teams choose Pick a Pearl.

Anthony takes out his teeth to snorkel.

Indeed, Bates & Anthony make it hard to mock because they jump in and mock themselves. From Bates: "...even with our brains two is better than one." And, "you could feel the wind in your hair, what little we have." You win this round Bates, but there's always next week.

Naturally, because they are terrified of water -- well not of water, they are terrified of not being able to breathe under water -- the Twin Doctors choose Pick a Pearl, the task that doesn't offer a box over your head that allows you to breath. They jump in the water and before they've barely put their heads in, one of the Twin Doctors is adamant about taking the 6-hour penalty rather than go back in. Way not to panic under pressure, homie.

Meanwhile, despite sinus pain (because they are real men!), Bates & Anthony get their pearls. They are in third place.

Great visual: the Mullet helping Wynona back into the boat by her seat wherein she flops on the deck like a caught fish.

Roadblock: A team member must, while balancing on stilts, kick a coconut 35 yards across a line.

Anthony does the stilting and kicking and says its second nature because of the balance you need to play hockey. He does it with ease.

But it's a foot race to the pit stop between Bates & Anthony, the Father & Son, and the Dating Couple. Even though hockey is done on ice and they are running on sand, Bates & Anthony win, coming in first and winning a trip to London. This delights Bates because apparently it's well-known that Anthony resembles Prince William. When his teeth are in. Coming in second are the Father & Son, but running apparently is too much for Father, he immediate knows his ruptured his Achilles. The Dating Couple sees the injury as a violation of the express pass pact.

After spending an inordinate amount of time discussing whether they should get in the water, the Twin Doctors get in the water and pick up one oyster at a time looking for the red pearls. At one point, one Twin Doctor needs someone from the rescue team to save him. It's clearly a good thing this day started at 7:30 a.m. or else we'd get one of those sad scenes of a team still doing a task in the dark.

Finally, they decide to move to the trunk task and that goes much better. Yet, despite the fact that the Asian Girls have given them every chance to catch up by getting lost in the middle of the ocean, (despite, as they said 'growing up very Asian-American' which they defined as not being given coddling words of praise from their parents, but rather put-downs to drive them to success, the elements of which apparently didn't involve basic map reading), and by one Asian Girl getting a blister on her foot and bleeding all over the stilts, the Twin Doctors come in last.

They are eliminated, saying they've shown their kids that you should never give up (although technically they did give up when they dropped out of the pearl diving) and insisting they gave their best effort (although they didn't bother to try a swimming lesson or two before coming on the Race) so the sting of losing will fade.

As will our memories of them.