The Simpsons (8pm, Fox) - Lisa voices her displeasure at a hologram of music legend Bleeding Gums Murphy, and Sonny Rollins (as himself) shows up to ask her to stop boycotting the record label. Also, Grandpa is injured while babysitting Bart and then decides he'd rather be looked after by his grandson than by the nursing home.

Amazing Race 22 (8pm, CBS) - In the season finale, the final four teams continue to race in Belfast, Ireland, and former Carolina Hurricanes player Bates Battaglia and his brother Anthony (left) are in the mix. After one team is eliminated, the remaining players fly to Washington, D.C., and scour some of the city's historic landmarks for a chance to win $1 million. Will Bates and Anthony come out on top? Check back after the show for Adrienne's recap.

Mr. Selfridge (9pm, UNC-TV) - Arthur Conan Doyle convinces Harry to allow a seance to be held at the store. Also, Agnes transfers to the fashion department and develops a closer relationship with Henri.

Game of Thrones (9pm, HBO) - Robb considers a compromise to mend his alliance with House Frey. Meanwhile, Melisandre visits the Riverlands and Tywin plans strategic unions for the Lannisters.

Revenge (9pm, ABC) - Emily adjusts to being Daniel's fiancee again and plans her next move, but Aiden has trouble accepting her new role.

Nurse Jackie (9pm, Showtime) - A heavily medicated Jane Doe is brought into the ER and Jackie orders Zoey to find out her identity.

Mad Men (10pm, AMC) - Roger changes tack to make new business and Pete has an awkward run-in with a client.

The Bletchley Circle (10pm, UNC-TV) - In the Season 1 finale, the killer becomes obsessed with Susan and plants a series of false clues in order to lead her into a trap.

I'm posting this for Adrienne, who dutifully recapped "Amazing Race" on the eve of a week-long vacation.

Leg 7, Botswana and Bates & Anthony leave first. They must drive to a village for the clues.

The guys seem entranced by Africa. Bates says last night instead of counting sheep, he counted lions.

Meanwhile, the Blondes reveal their love for God, noting that He is at the center of their lives. It's starting to looking like a hookup with Bates & Anthony is not going to happen unless they put a ring on it.

On the road, Bates & Anthony get a little lost; when they stop for directions they're told that they should get help finding the village because there's a tricky bend in the road. Anthony confirms that navigation isn't their strong suit; it's a lot easier getting around when they have someone to follow or as he puts it 'cheat off of.'

Their Blondes might feel the same way. They get stopped by the police for speeding. One Blonde is confident she can get them out of it; she's talked her way out of tickets before. But apparently, Botswana is the only country in Race history where blonde hair is not revered. The po-po and the po-po's supervisor ain't going for it. They've got to go to the station and pay a fine. The brunette Derby Moms drive by the scene without so much as a 'hey, you OK?'

It could be worse, the Blondes could be the Newlyweds who can't even find the SUV they're supposed to drive.

While all that's going on, Bates & Anthony manage to find the village and the first clue. It contains a fast forward, which if completed, offers the chance to skip every other task and head to the pit stop. All they have to do is stay upright on a pair of water skis for one mile in crocodile infested water. Bates isn't confident; it seems he's had an unsuccessful water skiing experience. But Bates & Anthony decide to give it a try. "What's the crocodile situation?" Bates asks as they head out into the murky water. Anthony makes the unfortunate remark that to the crocodiles they might be 'Italian sausage.'

Bates struggles to stay up, but he finds his center of balance and stays locked in that position. Bates & Anthony make the mile without getting eaten. They can head to the pit stop. Bates is proud that he stayed upright on the skis, 'plus I got to take my shirt off.' He's offering a little something for the ladies, he believes, but ahem, it's not that much. Sorry, dude.

Later, we're treated to Bates in his drawers relaxing on the boat as they head to the pit stop. "You can't get better scenery than this," he says. 'And Africa is nice too." It's official: Bates is going for a TV show.

After enjoying scenes of wildlife, Bates & Anthony get to the pit stop first. They get $7,500 each. It's their third first place finish of the Race.

Their Blondes aren't so lucky. They get to the police station only to find out the Botswana po po won't take American dollars. One Blondes gives $100 to a stranger to exchange for her and prays that he comes back. He does.

Just after they leave the station, the Newlyweds, finally find their car, get snagged in the Botswana speed trap. This causes Mrs. Newlywed to emasculate her husband; apparently real men can find a car and avoid speeding tickets. She's already called him stupid and gotten him to co-sign on that insult.

So, it's surprising that when they pay their fine and are leaving the police station and Mr. Newlywed backs up and hits a pole, denting the bumper, she doesn't start calling him Susie.

The YouTube stars meanwhile have joined the Blondes in their religious fervor now that they are frustrated from having to use a map rather than a GPS. They are praying to Jesus that they are going the right way, and thank God when they see the Newlyweds. They figure it's a two-person race for last place.

There's a detour; Brains involves a horseback safari where the teams ride past metal cut-outs of animals. They must memorize the order of the animals, then duplicate that order with tins to get the next clue. Brawn involves carrying stacked wood in a donkey drawn cart. The challenge was getting the donkeys to move.

In the end, the detour undermines the Asian Girls. They start at the donkeys and can't get them to move, so they switch to the safari. They keep missing one metal animal cut-out, so they go back to the donkeys. They end up last and they are eliminated.

They won't cry, crying, they say, is for bitches. (Did they just call Quivering Lip Father a bitch?) They saw some cool stuff, went some cool places and going to Africa was a priceless experience.

CAUTION!! SPOILERS BELOW!!

We're heading to Hanoi, Vietnam and the Quivering Lip Father & his Son have made a decision. Quivering Lip Father needs to have some work on his Achilles within 7 days, so they'll fly to Vietnam, hit the mat and be eliminated.

When they reveal this plan to the Asian Girls, the Asian Girls get a boost of confidence, since they're currently in second place. Now, they finally have a chance at the top spot, they say.

Indeed, the Asian Girls are in full strategy mode, making plans to smash the alliance between the YouTube Stars, the now-eliminated (but for the moment unconfirmed as eliminated) Dating Couple and the Derby Moms.

And there's a double u-turn ahead on this leg.

The u-turn has everybody shaking. Bates & Anthony believe their prowess on detours makes them a target.

The teams all meet up in Vietnam because the first location, a gallery, isn't open until the next day. While they wait, Mr. Newlywed of the Newlyweds makes as big a deal as Phil did about the Dating Couple getting eliminated with Express Pass in hand. (I can just imagine Mr. Dating Couple watching this on TV with that same crazed look on his face and plotting Mr. Newlywed's demise while muttering "We don't really need $1 million!") the rightful mocking of the Dating Couple inexplicably infuriates the YouTube Stars who want to punch Mr. Newlywed in the neck.

Meanwhile, all is peaceful as Quivering Lip Father & his Son hit the mat before Phil and bow out. Dad starts crying; he doesn't want to let down his son. Sure, it would have been interesting if Son said 'Well, Dad you did!' But of course, Son starts to cry too, and says he'd rather do four legs with his Quivering Lip Father than win $1 million with anyone else. They walk/hop away, leaving a puddle for Phil to mop up.

Back at the gallery, Bates & Anthony get in on the plot to u-turn the YouTube Stars and the Derby Moms who united with the now-known-to-be-eliminated Dating Couple, particularly because, as Bates tells us Mr. Dating Couple looks like a rat.

Roadblock: A team member has to listen to a performance of a patriotic Vietnamese tune. At the end, dancers will show a political phrase in Vietnamese. Team members have 5 minutes to match the phrase to a poster in the lobby or they have to rewatch the performance.

The Asian Girl gets it right the first time and heads to the next task to get a clue, a Vietnamese bamboo dance.

Anthony gets it wrong the first time, so he'll be hearing the song again. All told, he's in the group that hears it three times before he gets it right and Bates & Anthony are off to the bamboo dance. Team members must hold hands as they do the bamboo dance. Anthony says Bates has soft hands.

The detours are Make Your Move, in which teams must set up a game of Chinese chess using human pieces that have the symbols of actual chess pieces. The teams must look at the board of two men playing the actual game and duplicate it.

Make Your Meal involves making a bowl of the national dish, pho. Teams must gather baskets and baskets of live chickens, then head to the market to gather specific quantities of ingredients. They then prepare the pho and if the chef likes it, the clue is theirs.

In the lead, the Asian Girls do the chess challenge then head to a memorial where the double u-turn stands. As promised, they u-turn the YouTube stars. They head to the pit stop and win a trip to Canada.

Bates & Anthony also handle the challenge like master. They ascend to second place and head to the memorial.

The YouTube Stars discover they've been u-turned. They are miffed and in turn u-turn the Mullet & Wynona. Then Girl YouTube Star whines about how the other teams think they can have an alliance with Bates & Anthony, but they are wrong because Bates & Anthony will crush them with their mighty hockey thighs (or something like that). So why don't they u-turn Bates & Anthony? We'll never know.

Another thing we may never know is why Bates & Anthony end up coming in fourth at the pit stop behind the Newlyweds and the Derby Moms, even though they were ahead of the Newlyweds and the Derby Moms. Bad cabbie? Bathroom stop? Denture incident?

That leaves the Mullet & Wynona who've been having a bad day. Wynona tells us that she and the Mullet have been having a tough time lately; opposite work schedules have pulled them apart and the Race is their chance to regain their connection. Wynona admits she's a weak team member physically, but she can help the Mullet with her brain. If he would only listen. And on this leg, the Mullet isn't listening and Wynona is not happy. She is talking a lot of smack about her man and his hard headedness. I feel duped since she's spent the other legs talking up the Mullet as a strong-legged Walmart Adonis, capable of as many skills as a Swiss Army knife. Now he's just like every other husband, a mere Target shopper, if you will.

Anyway, they come in last but it's OK. Since the Quivering Lip Father & Son bowed out of the Race, they're still in. The Mullet promises he will listen to her now, he will let her voice be heard. That's what they all say, honey.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Ten teams start the Race in Bora Bora. The leg begins with the teams traveling to a wedding chapel on one of the islands, getting a blessing from a priest who will then present them with the clue.

The Dating Couple leaves first but because the chapel doesn't open until 7:30 a.m. nearly every team will catch up and the two teams that were penalized four hours in the last leg -- the Blondes and the Newlyweds -- will only be an hour and a half behind.

The Dating Couple, armed with the extra express pass, are not just on a trip to Bora Bora, they're on a power trip. They've decided that the alliance they've made with four other teams in which they would give that extra pass to the team who came in second among them, aka the Father & Son, only holds if no one knows about the alliance. "Loose lips sink sinks," they proclaim. This is exactly why TV judges always say to get things in writing.

Of course, after the Father & Son approach the Dating Couple to talk about the alliance, everyone else instantly knows they must be the designated team, perhaps because the dating couple aren't worth talking to otherwise.

That knowledge leads to a feeding frenzy of butt-kissing, much to the Dating Couple's delight. While the Derby Moms, Bates & Anthony, and the Youtube stars hold fast to their dignity, the Mullet & Wynona offer to carry the Dating Couple's bags.

Tonight's foreshadowing comment comes courtesy of the Twin Doctors. They discuss their dislike of water. Mind you, not only are the on the Race which always has a water task, they are on an island. There's book smart and there's common sense.

Then, they talk about how their profession has made them Race ready because they're used to a lack of sleep and they know how to stay cool under pressure.

Anthony takes out his teeth just because.

Detours are Pick a Pearl, which involves diving for two red pearls a half-mile offshore. The pearls are inside oysters attached to submerged lines.

Take a Trunk involves putting on a diving helmet, unloading a submerged trunk and creating an underwater dining experience.

Most teams choose Pick a Pearl.

Anthony takes out his teeth to snorkel.

Indeed, Bates & Anthony make it hard to mock because they jump in and mock themselves. From Bates: "...even with our brains two is better than one." And, "you could feel the wind in your hair, what little we have." You win this round Bates, but there's always next week.

Naturally, because they are terrified of water -- well not of water, they are terrified of not being able to breathe under water -- the Twin Doctors choose Pick a Pearl, the task that doesn't offer a box over your head that allows you to breath. They jump in the water and before they've barely put their heads in, one of the Twin Doctors is adamant about taking the 6-hour penalty rather than go back in. Way not to panic under pressure, homie.

Meanwhile, despite sinus pain (because they are real men!), Bates & Anthony get their pearls. They are in third place.

Great visual: the Mullet helping Wynona back into the boat by her seat wherein she flops on the deck like a caught fish.

Roadblock: A team member must, while balancing on stilts, kick a coconut 35 yards across a line.

Anthony does the stilting and kicking and says its second nature because of the balance you need to play hockey. He does it with ease.

But it's a foot race to the pit stop between Bates & Anthony, the Father & Son, and the Dating Couple. Even though hockey is done on ice and they are running on sand, Bates & Anthony win, coming in first and winning a trip to London. This delights Bates because apparently it's well-known that Anthony resembles Prince William. When his teeth are in. Coming in second are the Father & Son, but running apparently is too much for Father, he immediate knows his ruptured his Achilles. The Dating Couple sees the injury as a violation of the express pass pact.

After spending an inordinate amount of time discussing whether they should get in the water, the Twin Doctors get in the water and pick up one oyster at a time looking for the red pearls. At one point, one Twin Doctor needs someone from the rescue team to save him. It's clearly a good thing this day started at 7:30 a.m. or else we'd get one of those sad scenes of a team still doing a task in the dark.

Finally, they decide to move to the trunk task and that goes much better. Yet, despite the fact that the Asian Girls have given them every chance to catch up by getting lost in the middle of the ocean, (despite, as they said 'growing up very Asian-American' which they defined as not being given coddling words of praise from their parents, but rather put-downs to drive them to success, the elements of which apparently didn't involve basic map reading), and by one Asian Girl getting a blister on her foot and bleeding all over the stilts, the Twin Doctors come in last.

They are eliminated, saying they've shown their kids that you should never give up (although technically they did give up when they dropped out of the pearl diving) and insisting they gave their best effort (although they didn't bother to try a swimming lesson or two before coming on the Race) so the sting of losing will fade.

As will our memories of them.

Welcome to the Bates Battaglia edition of The Race! (Spoiler! Results at the bottom of this post!)

We start in L.A. at the Griffith Observatory with the 11 teams:

* The Country Couple. We'll call them the Mullet & Wynona. Besides having the bestest hair ever, our Hillbilly Samson also likes taxidermy.

* Bates & Anthony. The hockey players we know and we love. Anthony points out that besides being athletic enough to handle the race, they are "super good looking" just before smiling enough to reveal missing teeth. Later, they talk about being so close they finish each other's ... sandwiches, a joke that I'm guessing is part of a long-running routine. Also, Bates, it seems, is in charge of Anthony's false teeth. Now that's love.

* Derby moms. Naturally, they talk about how tough they are. If you watch the Race you know there's always a team that wants to be an inspiration to their children, to show them they can do anything. This is that team.

* Newlyweds. They've been married about a week; the Race is their honeymoon. They want you to know that they are cut throat.

* Father & son. They are the inspirational story. Both are in remission for cancer.

* Dating couple. She wants a ring bad. His response is "It's only been 4 years, what's the hurry?!"

* Twin doctors. They're both OB/Gyns and bless them, they sound like Steve Urkel.

* Asian girls. They're single but they don't want you. They want $1 million.

* Youtube stars. It's pretty clear they like being on camera and they're ready to perform for a bigger audience. This is a branding opportunity.

* Firefighters. They are from Gaffney, SC. If you watch "House of Cards" on Netflix, Gaffney is also the hometown of the fictional manipulative senator played by Kevin Spacey. Gaffney, my friends, has arrived.

* Blondes. They're country singers and they're looking for cute guys. We just know Bates & Anthony will hit on these two.

Last season's unsuccessful $2 million twist has gone away; this year, the team to finish the first leg first gets an express pass (which gives them the opportunity to go straight to the finish line during a leg of the Race), and an extra express pass that they must give to another team sometime before the end of the fourth leg.

First stop: Bora Bora. There are two flights, five teams can get on the first one.

On the way to the airport, Bates & Anthony begin their blondes quest. They might score with them, but they end up on the second flight.

The newlyweds play the political game, befriending folks so they can be candidates for the extra express pass, even though the wife basically hates people. Friendliness pains her. She's going to be fun.

The doctors, part of the group of five that makes it on the first flight, which is an hour ahead, comes up with a plan. With one of their group almost certain to win the first leg, they suggest the second pass go to the second team in their group who comes in second. All agree to the proposal.

Roadblock #1: One team member must tandem skydive from a helicopter while they other takes a water taxi and they meet to get the first clue.

Roadblock #2: On the beach, the taxi riding partner must search through 100 sandcastles for the next clue buried underneath. They must rebuild destroyed sandcastles that don't contain the clue. The sand is hot and it's more than 100 degree on the beach.

Anthony does the jump; Bates does the sandcastles. Bates finds the clue in the sand so quickly that although they were in the second group, they move up to second place overall, leaping ahead of the four other teams.

From there, the teams must row in a Tahitian canoe to the pit stop. It tips easily, but Bates & Anthony handle it. The dating couple gets the two passes, but Bates & Anthony get an impressive 2nd place finish.

The father & son come in 2nd in terms of the alliance. But it's already clear that the dating couple took the whole alliance thing metaphorically.

Meanwhile, the firefighters, the blondes and the newlyweds are still at the beach looking for clues and rebuilding sandcastles. One blonde has described the experience as what hell might be like, sitting on a hot beach building sandcastles for eternity, which is an impressive idea, particularly if just in the distance the hell-goers can see folks sipping cool drinks.

The trio decides they will quit the roadblock and all take the penalty. Although on the next leg that means they'll be 4 hours behind, at this moment, they each just have to beat the other two teams to avoid last place. The firefighters boast that they know they can beat those blondes; they are firefighters, so they can build things and they're men. But we know that boasting on camera is an offense to the reality show gods. So although they build their canoe first, the firefighters tip over their canoe twice.

They go down in flames. And last night, in a Gaffney firehouse, two men had fire engine red faces.

Amazing Race 20 (8pm, CBS) - In the two-hour finale, the final four teams race through Japan before traveling to Honolulu, where the winners claim the $1 million prize.

Between Two Ferns (8:30pm, Comedy Central) - Zach Galifianakis interviews Comedy Awards nominees in "Between Two Ferns: A Fairytale of New York," with appearances by Tina Fey, Jon Stewart and Sir Richard Branson.

Masterpiece Mystery: Sherlock (9pm, UNC-TV) - The second series of Masterpiece Mystery's excellent "Sherlock" opens with "A Scandal in Belgravia," in which idiosyncratic sleuth becomes a media sensation because of Watson's blog. Sherlock is asked by his brother to retrieve scandalous photos ofa  British royal from a dominatrix. The case soon involves international terrorism, CIA agents, and a matter Holmes is decidedly unfamiliar with: love.

The Celebrity Apprentice (9pm, NBC) - The remaining contestants (that includes Clay Aiken) produce a four-page print ad for a digital touch-screen hair dryer. Returning apprentices John Rich and Marlee Matlin then interview the final four and Donald Trump fires two.

The Big C (9:30, Showtime) - Cathy goes all out to impress the birth parents of the child she hopes to adopt and Joy wants Paul to go before a live audience and relate his near-death experience.

Veep (10pm, HBO) - Selina celebrates 20 years in Washington but tries to keep a low profile after a newspaper article paints her as a diva.

GCB (10pm, ABC) - The first season concludes with Carlene taking the GCBs to a groundbreaking ceremony for the Condos for Christian Living, and Amanda's suspicions concerning Luke lead to a surprising discovery about Ripp.

Meet Mrs. Eastwood (10:30pm, E!) - A preview of the new reality show that chronicles the lives of Clint Eastwood's wife, Dina, and their two daughters Francesca and Morgan.

America is doomed.

That's the obvious conclusion now that Mark & Bopper have been eliminated from "The Amazing Race."

Two salt-of-the-earth guys, united in friendship with no regard to the artificial barriers of race, they happily and graciously experienced the world without a note of arrogance.

They were the best of what we can be, what we strive to be.

The Race should have done anything it could to ensure their victory. Bunch up the teams at the airport. Make the next few detour tasks specific to Clay County, Kentucky. Knee cap that whiny girl from Big Brother.

Amazing Race: Unfinished Business (8pm, ABC) - The final four teams race through Rio de Janeiro before heading to the finish line in the Florida Keys.

Celebrity Apprentice (8pm, NBC) - Donald Trump is punishing America over last week's Osama bin Laden interruption by inflicting a 3-hour show on us tonight. Three hours! And it's not even the finale. But -- there are some name brand guest stars, like Jimmy Fallon, Tracy Morgan, and Jim Cramer. And also, one of the celebrities goes missing during a challenge. Money on LaToya.

Bob's Burgers (8:30pm, Fox) - While mold is being removed from the restaurant, Linda and Bob go on a double date with Mort and a female mortician voiced by Amy Sedaris.

Brothers & Sisters (10pm, ABC) - In the fifth season finale, a surprise guest shows up at Sarah and Luc's wedding (right), and Kitty (remember her?) faces a tough decision. Directed by Ken Olin. The future of this show is uncertain, Walker fans...

The Killing (10pm, AMC) - The police discover more about Rosie's activities on the night of her murder, and Mitch begins to wonder about the direction of the police department's investigation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but did Stan kill that teacher!?!??!

Treme (10pm, HBO) - Toni's investigation of a post-Katrina casualty gets more confusing at every turn, and a routine closing at the bar for LaDonna becomes a disaster. Also, Sonny turns to another musician for help when his home is vandalized.

CSI: Miami (10pm, CBS) - The ninth season ends with Horatio capturing the last prisoner who escaped months earlier from a Miami jail, but the convict's transport plane crashes and the CSIs learn the fugitive is planning much more than a getaway.

It's said that after having babies nature allows women to forget the pain so that they might bear another child.

That's not true of all painful experiences. Memory, in most cases, serves an important function. It helps to stop us from making the same mistake twice.

On the other hand, no pain, no gain.

After our non-elimination leg, we're in Salzburg and Team Aspie gets to leave first. But first we get treated to another scene of their joy at winning the 2012 Ford Focus. I don't think this product placement is as effective as the Snapple plug. I wanted to buy the Snapple; I am not buying a Ford Focus.

You'd think that experienced Racers would know that tackling any task involving food is probably not a good idea.

You would think.

The Globetrotters leave India first, heading for a flight to Vienna, Austria. Once the teams arrive in Austria, we're told, they are to find a new 2012 Ford Focus for the next clue.

The trip to Austria gives Flight Time of the Globetrotters the chance to do his Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation, because that's pretty much all we know about Austria, that Ah-nold is from there. He's impersonation is OK.