Hoarders (9pm, A&E) - The third season of "Hoarders" opens tonight with two back-to-back new episodes. In the first episode we meet a woman whose estranged husband asks his children to help their mom clean up her house in the weeks before he dies, to keep the home from being condemned by the city. In the second episode, a couple and their two grown children are given 72 hours by the city to clean or vacate their home, from which Animal Control has already removed their seven cats. I'm depressed just writing about this.

The Closer (9pm, TNT) - The squad looks for clues in the death of an aspiring actress, and Brenda prepares for her interview for the chief of police job, even though she has reservations about it. And there have to be repurcussions from Brenda's actions at the end of last week's episode, right? Mary McDonnell returns as Capt. Raydor.

Real Housewives of New Jersey (9pm, Bravo) - It's the conclusion of the reunion show and all I know is that previews show host Andy Cohen running off the set. Someone watch it and tell me why.

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (9pm, Travel) - Bourdain's seventh season and 100th episode take him to the Grenadine Islands where he goes fishing, scuba diving, and tries to hunt a local delicacy.

Rizzoli & Isles (10pm, TNT) - Jane is swept up into Boston's Irish-mob past when she probes the murder of an identity thief, who seemingly had no real identity of his own. Meanwhile, Maura makes a discovery that propels her on intensely personal odyssey. Episode directed by Adam Arkin.

Thintervention with Jackie Warner (10pm, Bravo) - A new show from Bravo in which fitness expert Jackie Warner inspires lifestyle changes for clients hoping to shed some pounds. Check out Adrienne's review.

Today is the last day to enter to win the first season of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" on dvd. Click here to see how to enter. No hair pulling required.

"Dancing with the Stars" Announcement Special (8pm, ABC) - Also known as "Bachelor Pad." The dancers for the upcoming season will be announced at some point during this two-hour herpes distribution experiment.

The Closer (9pm, TNT) - The always great Gary Cole (right) is guest starring tonight as a military officer battling Brenda as she investigates the shooting deaths of three marines who had just returned from Afghanistan. Also of interest, the fallout from Chief Pope's devastating job news at the end of last week's episode.

Real Housewives of New Jersey (9pm, Bravo) - The second part of the two-part finale airs at 9pm (no table-flipping in the first part!) and then at 10pm we get the first part of the reunion show. Don't forget to enter our contest to win Season One of RHONJ on dvd! Today is the last day to enter.

Rizzoli & Isles (10pm, TNT) - Serial killer Charles Hoyt (from the first and best episode so far this season) returns tonight. The sinister slayer who once tried to murder Jane might be at it again when a body with his MO turns up in the park. As Jane's fear deepens, Maura tries to track the killer.

Weeds (10pm, Showtime) - Trying to keep on the down-low in Washington, Nancy, Andy, and Silas take under-the-table jobs at a fancy hotel in Seattle. Nancy also makes a connection with a new supplier, played by Linda Hamilton.

Are you a fan of big hair and fake bubbies? Then you probably want this dvd set of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," season one.

To enter the drawing, just send me an email and tell me who flipped a table in the season one finale.

Tonight is part one of the two-part season two finale, and the second part airs next Monday. You have until midnight next Monday (August 30) to get your answer to me.

"Real Housewives of New Jersey" airs on Bravo at 10pm tonight.

Miss Universe Pageant (8pm, NBC) - The 59th annual beauty competition (no pretense here about scholarships!) is hosted by rocker Bret Michaels and Today correspondent Natalie Morales. Music from John Legend and The Roots. Celebrity judges include Criss Angel, William Baldwin, Evan Lysacek, Jane Seymour, and Chazz Palminteri. Donald Trump will also be there with his spray-on tan.

If God is Willin' and Da Creek Don't Rise (9pm, HBO) - Part one of Spike Lee's two-part follow-up to his Katrina documentary, "When the Levees Broke." The cruel people at HBO neglected to send us a screener, but we're pretty sure it's worthwhile.

Bond of Silence (9pm, Lifetime) - A widow (Kim Raver) tries to solve the mystery of her husband's death, which occurred while he was trying to quiet down a teen party, but no one involved is talking. Based on a true story. Read Adrienne's review.

Real Housewives of New Jersey (10pm, Bravo) - Tonight is the first part of the two-part season finale. Everyone is intent on banishing Danielle from their lives. The big showdown tonight is Caroline vs. Danielle.

The Big C (10pm, Showtime) - The realization of how little time she has left leaves Cathy (Laura Linney) with an inclination to appreciate and explore her body for the first time. She tells Paul (Oliver Platt) she wants to live apart for the summer, but he wants to try couples therapy.

Rizzoli & Isles (10pm, TNT) - Bothered by the lack of Boston accents on this Boston-based crime dramedy? The show throws you a bone tonight by setting the crime in the middle of the Boston Marathon. See? Totally authentic. Balthazar Getty guest stars.

Lie to Me (8pm, Fox) - After a housing project shooting, the police want Cal to read the face of a man who is paralyzed and can only move his eyes.

A Small Act (9pm, HBO) - Next up in HBO's summer documentary series is this chronicle of a UN human rights advocate's efforts to locate the Swedish benefactor whose monthly donations helped deliver him from poverty in rural Kenya. Nominated for a Grand Jury Prize at Sundance.

The Closer (9pm, TNT) - Season 6 of basic cable's most popular series opens with the shooting death of a ladies man and the Major Case Squad struggling to adjust to their fancy new police digs. Plus, something is up with Captain Pope... Read more here.

Rizzoli & Isles (10pm, TNT) - The debut of a new drama about a team of disparate female crime fighters in Boston. Stars Angie Harmon ("Law & Order" "Women's Murder Club") as the cop and Sasha Alexander as the medical examiner. Check out Adrienne's review.

Real Housewives of New Jersey (10pm, Bravo) - One of these ridiculous white trash fights finally results in a call to the cops.

Children's Hospital (10:30pm, Adult Swim) - The premiere of a new satirical series from "The Daily Show's" Rob Cordry that mocks hospital dramas such as "Grey's Anatomy" and "ER." TV Guide describes it as "often grotesque."

I guess we should blame "The Sopranos" for all the love New Jersey is getting these days. MTV's "Jersey Shore," Style Network's "Jerseylicious" and Bravo's "Real Housewives of New Jersey" all feature the Garden State.

Or at least the part that features boisterous Italians, tans, big hair and plenty of cleavage.

The latest entry is "Jersey Couture" (Oxygen, 10 tonight), which also features an Italian family, big hair and plenty of cleavage. But I'd say this show has more heart than the others. These people are not embarrassing.

Chuck (8pm, NBC) - Chuck and Sarah are trained by a married CIA team, played byFred Willard and Swoosie Kurtz, who have an amazing record but despise each other (complete with an homage to "Hart to Hart"). Meanwhile, Casey trains Morgan.

How I Met Your Mother (8pm, CBS) - Ted and Barney fight over Robin, both claiming they love her, and Robin realizes she's over them both. Also, Marshall and Lily decide to get twin beds.

Big Bang Theory (9pm, CBS) - BBT airs a half hour early tonight, so heads up. Sheldon lies to Leonard and Penny about whose side he's on after their breakup.

Law & Order (10pm, NBC) - Lt. Anita Van Buren faces health setbacks. I fear the L&O writers are building up to the departure of S. Epatha Merkerson from the show. 

The Real Housewives of New Jersey (10pm, Bravo) - The second season of table-flipping begins tonight, and the Jersey women are still hating hard on Danielle, the absolute most gangsta housewife in Bravo history.

Regis hates it and calls it his "Week of Halloween Horror," while many see it as the yearly excuse for the Gelman and Art Moore to dress up in drag. Nonetheless, this morning's Halloween show on "Live with Regis and Kelly" (with a "Reality Bites" theme) had some genuinely funny moments.

Sure, most of the people they take on have already been spoofed within an inch of their lives, but you haven't lived till you've seen Regis (and Art) in a leotard and orthopedic granny flats trying to dance backup to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" (Kelly was a good Beyonce, but Regis is the reason to watch this one).

But the spot that had me mesmerized was their take on the table-flipping scene from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Both Regis and Kelly really seemed to get into their roles. It's pretty unbelievable. Click below to watch.

Big Brother 11 (8pm, CBS) - The 11th season premiere of "Big Brother" will introduce us to the 12 contestants, including a 22-year-old woman from Matthews, N.C. Jordan Lloyd doesn't seem nearly sneaky or conniving enough to get very far here, but we'll be pulling for her.

Samantha Who? (8pm, ABC) - More new episodes from this cancelled-too-soon sitcom. Samantha is  hired to lead Winston Funk's charitable foundation and hires Andrea as her legal counsel. Which is a bad move since all Andrea does is work on her wedding plans to the gay basketball star. In a second episode airing at 8:30, Sam and Todd go on a "first date" and Andrea goes on a reality tv show about celebrity weddings. 

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Lost Footage (9pm, Bravo) - That's pretty self-explanatory. Expect more footage of The Crazy One (right) complaining about how she has been victimized by The Blonde One (not pictured).

Also, new episodes of Burn Notice (9pm) and Royal Pains (10pm) on USA.