BEWARE!! SPOILERS BELOW!!
It's Leg 3 and we're at the Pit stop and Quivering Lip Father & his Son have a decision to make. Will they go on despite Quivering Lip Father's bad leg?
There's barely a breath before they decide to stick it out. I mean, all they have to do is come in first and everything is fine. No problem.
Bates & Anthony reach the non-pit stop third. Next stop: Bali.
Bates & Anthony head to the airport instead of stopping at a travel agency to book a flight to Bali. This puts them behind. They end up with a flight that arrives at 12:05 instead of 8:30 a.m. The good news is four other teams get that flight too.
The bad news is, on a layover, two of those four team get a flight that will get them to Bali at 10. So Bates & Anthony are suddenly on the road to last place.
Retrieving the first clue involves getting a monkey to crack a coconut that contains the clue. During the course of this, we learn that one of the Blondes had a flying monkey who died of loneliness because he lived in her bra. We're not sure if this is a crack on her boobs or the lack thereof, but the Blonde telling the story assures us it's a 'true fact,' rather than one of those pesky false facts.
Detour: Sandy Bottom involves collecting sand at the bottom of a body of water and then transporting it 200 yards to a brick maker. The sand must reach a line in the collection basket to get the clue. Fruity Top involves building a religious offering made of fruit, accompanying it through a procession, and then getting it blessed by a priest to get the clue.
Bates & Anthony finally arrive in Bali. They are hopeful, they proclaim their driver 'super!' (even better, 'supa!'). This is one of the first foreshadows of the night because it turns out their super driver has no idea where he's going. They will be last to get to the monkey. Bates puts down the coconut for the monkey and the monkey promptly runs away. When they finally get the clue, they hope to do Sandy Bottom but their super cabbie only knows the way to Fruity Top. Fruity Top it is.
The next foreshadow happens with the Dating Couple. Mr. Dating Couple talks about how detail-oriented he and his gal are. Naturally, when they go for the Fruity Top detour, they end up at the wrong address, building a shrine for some guy in his backyard.
The front runners have built their fruity shrines and the next clue sends them to find a surfboard with an image of 'something they've encountered on the Race.' That something is an image of the Tahitian priest who blessed them at the last pit stop. If you pick the wrong surf board, you have to go back. It's not an easy return; there are lots of steps, twists and turns and it's hot.
But even hopping with a boot, Quivering Lip Father & Son come in first. Son is actually in second place, after the Asian Girls, but the Asian Girl can't find the pit stop. She walks by Son and he sees which surfboard she has and just copies her, then beats her to the pit stop. Quivering Lip Father & Son get $5000 each. Father's lip doesn't quiver, but he does get teary.
Bates & Anthony are at Fruity Top, along with, among others, the Dating Couple. The Dating Couple use their detail-oriented ability to completely botch the shrine, albeit in a very specific way. Remember they have the Express Pass; Ms. Dating Couple wants to use it. But Mr. Dating Couple thinks they just need to slow down and take a breath and all will be OK. "I'm not thinking about the Express Pass," he declares. He's not kidding. They decide to switch to the Sandy Bottom detour, although that works against their expertise in details.
Bates & Anthony build their shrine and head to the surfboards. Bates has the right surfboard in his hand, but dismisses it. Eventually, he goes back to it, but runs past the steps that lead to Phil. Up and down and down and up he goes. Eventually, right board in hand, Bates & Anthony come in 7th place.
We learn that this extended leg has been a four-day odyssey, which explains why folks start breaking down. When the Blondes can't get the right surfboard, one sits down and has a cry, despite the edit that shows the Roller Derby Moms saying there's no crying on the Race. (They're talking to you Quivering Lip Father!)
But the biggest breakdown happens to the Dating Couple. On the way to the Sandy Bottom, they decide that if they see the Roller Derby Moms, they'll decide how far back they are and whether they should use their Express Pass. But the Roller Derby Moms are gone when they get to Sandy Bottom, so they can't make an assessment.
They finish and arrive at the surfboard area. It's between the Dating Couple and the Mullet & Wynona. The Mullet gets the board and that leaves the Dating Couple last. Although they know they are behind, Mr. Dating Couple still doesn't want to use the Express Pass. "I want to be smart."
The Mullet & Wynona check in to the pit stop.
The next thing you know it's dark and Mr. Dating Couple has on one of those flashlight head bands and he's still looking for the surfboard. He seems to have gone to a special place mentally, a detached place where all that matters is being detailed and smart and focused, the fact that you've clearly lost be damned. We will finish in an orderly and dignified manner, his crazed smile seems to express.
It takes more than an hour, but he finally gets the right board and they check in. Thankfully, they are eliminated because I don't think a non-elimination would have been healthy.
Phil cruelly rubs in the fact that they are the only team, in the history of the Race, who has ever been eliminated with an Express Pass. The fact that the Express Pass is what, five Races old of 22 Races matters not. What they've done is HISTORIC.
Mr. Dating Couple, now fully in the midst of a slow-motion nervous breakdown, takes it as a compliment. They've done something HISTORIC! And by the way, he adds, he has no regrets. They don't really need a million dollars anyway, he says. And you know what, he says through clenched teeth with finger jabbing into Phil's chest, if you guys were being honest, you'd call this the Pretty Good Race because it wasn't all that amazing. (OK, we just wish that had happened.)
Phil breaks the fourth wall, looks into the camera and says 'Oh Vey.' We feel you, Phil.
Ms. Dating Couple is silent at the line, but later reveals that she has regrets (EXPRESS PASS! WE HAD THE FRIGGIN' EXPRESS PASS!) and there's a subtext to her statement that could lead one to believe she might have liked to have that million dollars.
I see a break up.